Text 3679, 199 rader
Skriven 2006-03-12 23:09:00 av George Pope (2583.funny)
Kommentar till text 3673 av Greg Sears (3:633/104)
Ärende: Re: Rumours from Funny. .
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GS> GP> My new fave beer is an oatmeal stout from Montreal. . .
GS>
GS> That would be a French BEER then!!! Humm thought they made wine? ;-)
Those aren't French ("french" are from FRANCE!!!); these are Quebeckers (from
CANADA!!!!)
A variety of Canadian funnies. . .
Did you hear about the war between Newfoundland and Nova Scotia?
The Nova Scotians were lobbing hand grenades; the Newfies were pulling
the pins and throwing them back.
__________________________________________________________________
In Canada we have two Seasons...six months of winter and six months of
poor snowmobiling.
__________________________________________________________________
A French guest, staying in a hotel in Edmonton phoned room
service for some pepper. "Black pepper, or white pepper?" asked the
concierge.
"Toilette pepper!"
_____________________________________________________________________
An American, a Scot and a Canadian were in a terrible car accident.They were
all brought to the same emergency room, but all three of them died before
they arrived. Just as they were about to put the toe
tag on the American, he stirred and opened his eyes. Astonished, the
doctors and nurses present asked him what happened.
"Well, " said the American, "I remember the crash, and then there was a
beautiful light, and then the Canadian and the Scot and I were standing at
the gates of heaven. St. Peter approached us and said that we were
all too young to die, and that for a donation of $50, we could return to the
earth. So of course I pulled out my wallet and gave him the $50, and the
next thing I knew I was back here."
"That's amazing!" said one of the doctors, "But what happened to the other
two?"
"Last I saw them," replied the American, "the Scot was haggling over the
price and the Canadian was waiting for the government to pay for his."
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OH, CANADA
My two daughters drove to Windsor, Ontario, when the currency exchange
rate was very favorable to Americans. At a dance club they saw the
posted cover charge: "Canadian: $6. American: $5."
One sister whispered, "Who would be stupid enough to say they were
Canadian?"
Daniel M. Sinnott in Reader's Digest
My name is Bob, and I am Canadian.
I am a minority in Vancouver, Banff, and every casino in this country.
I was born in 1972, yet I am responsible for some Native's great great
grandfather who screwed himself out of his land in the 1800's.
I pay import tax on cars made in Ontario.
I am allowed to skydive and smoke, but not allowed to drive without a
seat belt.
All the money I make up until mid July must go to paying taxes.
I live and work among people who believe Americans are ignorant.
These same people cannot name this country's new Territory.
Although I am sometimes forced to live on Kraft Dinner and don't have a
pot to piss in, I sleep well knowing that I've helped purchase a nice
six figure home in Vancouver for some unskilled Chinese refugee.
Although they are unpatriotic and constantly try to separate, Quebec
still provides my nation's Prime Ministers.
95% of my nation's international conflicts are over fish.
I'm supposed to call black people African Canadians, although I'm sure
none of them have ever been to Africa, or east of Halifax for that
matter.
I believe that paying a 200% tax on alcohol is fair.
I believe that same tax on gasoline is also fair.
Even if I have no idea what happened to that old rifle my grandfather
gave me when I was 14, I will be considered a criminal if I don't
register it.
I DO know Jeff from Toronto.
I often badmouth the United States, and then vacation there three times
a year.
I'm led to believe that some lazy ass unionized broom pusher who makes
$30 an hour is underpaid and therefore must go on strike, but paying
$10 an hour to someone who works 12 hour shifts at forty below on an
oil rig is fair.
I believe that paying $30 million for 3 stripes (The Voice of Fire) by
the National Art Gallery was a good purchase, even though 99% of this
country didn't want it, or will ever see it.
When I look at my pay stub and realize that I take home a third of what
I actually make, I say "Oh well, at least we have better health care
than the Americans"
It must bail out farmers when their crops are too wet or too dry,
because I control the rain.
My National Anthem has versions in both official languages, and I don't
know either of them.
Canada is the highest taxed nation in North America, the biggest
military buffer for the United States, and the number one destination
for fleeing boat people.
I am not an angry white male. I am an angry broke taxpayer.
My name is Bob, and I am Canadian.
Bob, a middle-aged Canadian tourist on his first visit to
Orlando, Florida, finds the red light district and enters a
large brothel. The madam asks him to be seated and sends over
a young lady to entertain him.
They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit,
and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she gasps
and runs away! Seeing this, the madam sends over a more
experienced lady to entertain the gentleman.
They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit,
and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear, and she too
screams, "No!" and walks quickly away.
The madam is surprised that this ordinary looking man has asked
for something so outrageous that her two girls will have nothing
to do with him. She decides that only her most experienced lady,
Lola, will do. Lola has never said no, and it's not likely
anything would surprise her. So the madam sends her over to Bob.
They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit,
and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she screams,
"NO WAY, BUDDY!" and smacks him as hard as she can and leaves.
Madam is by now absolutely intrigued, having seen nothing like
this in all her years of operating a brothel. She hasn't done
the bedroom work herself for a long time, but she's sure she
has said yes to everything a man could possibly ask for. She
just has to find out what this man wants that has made her
girls so angry. Besides she sees a chance to teach her employees
a lesson.
So she goes over to Bob and says that she's the best in the
house and is available. She sits and talks with him. They
frolic, giggle, drink and then she sits in his lap.
Bob leans forward and whispers in her ear, "Can I pay in
Canadian currency?"
Influenza Vaccine
In recent negotiations for influenza vaccine between a Canadian health official
and an American representative, it was clear that there was a disconnect
between the American government's sudden reliance on Canada for influenza
vaccine despite the fact th
Not seeing the irony in the request, the American continued to press for the
vaccine and then demanded to know why the United States would be charged for
the vaccine when Canadians get theirs "for free."
The Canadian official replied, "Oh it's not free, the government pays for it."
"Well then," the American replied, "How much will it cost us?"
The Canadian replied, "Well, we don't know...we'll let you know."
In frustration, the American replied, "Well, it's urgent, so just send an
invoice with the shipment. By the way...how will the vaccine be delivered?"
After careful consideration, the Canadian official replied, "By cow. Twenty
vials of vaccine will be tied around the neck of every cow that passes over the
border. Now...if you want faster delivery, there are some some softwood lumber
trucks
available..."
ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ
Interesting Canadian Town Names....
Cereal, Alberta
Manyberries, Alberta
Fanny Bay, British Columbia
Likely, British Columbia
Skookumchuck, British Columbia
Ta Ta Creek, British Columbia
Seven Sisters, Manitoba
Reversing Falls, New Brunswick
Come-By-Chance, Newfoundland
Dildo, Newfoundland
Dingwall, Nova Scotia
Your Moderator and all-round friend/servant,
|<+]::-) ("Cyberpope")
Internet: gapope@vcn.bc.ca
1)If you don't like a joke, post 2-3 examples of what you DO like!
B)If you DO like a joke, say thank-you with 2-3 jokes of your own! :)
(AKA the Bishop of ROM!)
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