Text 4651, 261 rader
Skriven 2006-09-05 17:25:08 av Greg Sears
     Kommentar till en text av GEORGE POPE
Ärende: Stories              2/21
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 GS> In the morning, the fattest, most repulsive and butch nun comes along
   > with
   > her basket. She starts to pick mushrooms, while singing the same song:
   > "One little mushroom for my basket, two little mushrooms for my
   > basket,
   > three little mushrooms for my basket, four..., four..., four..., FOUR
   > little mushrooms for my basket, five little mushrooms for my basket."


        GEORGE POPE was entering F unny stuff to  GREG SEARS  


 GP> What happened?

    Happened to who?

> OBJoke: for our Moderator and all-round friend/servant

      A M A Z I N G   F A C T S


C L I M B I N G   T H E   D E P T H S

The highest mountain in the world is in Hawaii, Mauna Kea rises 10,023
metres from the floor of the Pacific Ocean.  Mount Everest is merley the
highest mountain on land!

   S P O U T I N G   H I S T O R Y

The highest waterspout ever recorded reached a height of over 1.5 KM,
more than four times higher than the worlds tallest building.

  C A S T O R   O I L   K I L L E R

Ricin, made from the castor oil plant is one of the most toxic
substances known to man.  Just one fifty-thousandth of a gramme is fatal
- an amount invisible to the human eye.

   M I L K I N G   T H E   M E A T

American scientists have come up with one answer to feed the world -
they believe they can breed a cow weighing in at 4.5 tonnes!

   L I T T L E   A N D   L A R G E

To grow big and strong it helps if you eat your brother or sister, it
seems. Experiments show that cannibalistic frogs that prey on others
grow into much larger specimens than their brothers or sisters!

    F R I E N D S   F O R   T E A

Sixteen survivors from a plane crash high in the snow-covered Andes
mountains survived for over ten weeks by eating the flesh of their dead
companions!

H I G H  S P E E D   T R A V E L L E R

No-one has yet managed to measure the speed of wind inside a Tornado, it
is so fast it destroys equipment.  Estimates put the fastest Tornado at
725 - 805 KM/H.

     F I S H E R S   O F   M E N

Suicides who jump off Clifton bridge, England, provided boatmen with an
income, the local council paid for each corpse retrieved!

     G E T   T H A T   P H O N E

After watching a Hypnotist on TV, an Italian boy fell into a trance.
Doctors couldn't free his hands, which were glued together for eight
hours and 30 minutes.  Only a phone call from the Hypnotist did that!

        W A T E R   W A T E R

The Amazon is the worlds biggest river. It pours into the Atlantic Ocean
with such force that it is possible to scoop a glass of fresh drinkable
water 160 KM into the sea!

         U N S P O R T I N G

An area of jungle the size of a football pitch is being cleared every
six seconds in the lush regions of Amazonia.

      T H E   G E N E   P O O L

If all the DNA in all the cells of everyone in the entire world - all
four billion of us - were gathered together it would only just fill up a
swimming pool.

        N U C L E U S   O N E  E L E C T R O N S   N I L

If the Nucleus of an atom was a pea in the middle of a football pitch,
some of it`s Electrons would be orbiting around the edge of the stadium,
so great are the distance between them.

         J U S T   A   S E C

If the 15 Billion years that the universe has existed were all crammed
into one year, recorded history would only take up 3 seconds!

M O N E Y   D O W N   T H E  D R A I N

If you used heavy water instead of tap water for washing, flushing the
toilet and making the tea, your annual water bill would be 9,200.000
pounds!

      H I G H L Y   S T R U N G

Wooden-framed pianos have been known to snap in half while being tuned
because when fully tightened, the pull of all 88 strings amounts to
something like 20 tons.

          S K I N   D E E P

If the skin of an average adult were laid flat, it would cover an area
about the size of a double bed.  In a thumb nail sized piece of skin
there are 200 pain spots, 5000 sensory glands and 1 metre of blood
vessels!

         O N   A C C O U N T

Stanley Rifkin swindled $10.2 million - all at once - from a Los Angeles
banks computer system by gaining access to the banks transfer security
codes.

 S U P E R S O N I C   L I B R A R Y

During supersonic flight, Concorde grows up to 25 cm longer.  When a
crew member slotted a book into a gap in the wall of the plane during a
flight he was surprised to find that on landing the gap had disappeared
and so had the book.  The gap and book appeared again on the next
supersonic flight!

         M E G A - B L A S T

The eruption of Krakatoa is still the greatest explosion ever recorded.
This volcanic island in Indionesia went up in 1883, with 26 times the
power of the largest H-Bomb ever tested.


  S L E E P I N G   P A R T N E R S

An ordinary double bed is home for 2 Million dust mites - minute little
creatures that live off tiny flakes of human skin.

   W O R K I N G   O V E R T I M E

Talk of star wars is all very well, but to program all the
super-computers for even the western defence system would take one man
30.000 years to complete.

        C H I L D S   P L A Y

TV drama is nonoriously violent.  By the time he or she is 16, the
average American child will have seen 50.000 TV murders and 200.000 acts
of violence.

      H A P P Y   L A N D I N G

In 1944, Flt-Sgt Alkemade jumped 5,485 metres from his blazing bomber
without a parachute.  A fir tree and snow drift broke his fall and he
lived.

        V R O O M   V R O O M

The 1989 formula one ferrari has about 650 horsepower at the back wheels
about 18 times the power and 500 times the price of a standard Fiat Uno.

> OBJoke: for Mr. <+]::-{(} ("Cyberpope")

                           Welcome to California
                          Joe Lavin's Humor Column
                             November 17, 1995

I've only lived in southern California for a short time, but after my
first day it's a wonder I stayed. Don't worry. There were no
earthquakes, mud slides, or brush fires that day. Hell, there weren't
even any homicidal ex-football players released from jail. (That didn't
happen until my second week.) No, everything was wonderful except I was
doomed to use public transportation.

Public transportation is not exactly a high point of southern
California. Those of you who have seen the film *Speed* know this. In
this film, whose general thematic statement is "public transportation
bad," every form of public transportation Keanu Reeves and Sandra
Bullock use has a bomb on it. You'd think the passengers would have
caught on.

"Oh, look, honey, it's Sandra Bullock. I always liked her."

"Wait, that means there's a bomb on board. Get off! Quick!"

Luckily, the bus I took from the airport didn't have Sandra Bullock nor
a bomb on it. It did, however, have a crazy and talkative thirty-five
year old grandmother who sat next to me. This may have been worse.

She had moved here from Albany, New York eleven years ago, and she still
couldn't stand it that everyone in California moved so slowly.
"Sometimes you just want to shake people and yell, 'What? Are you on
Valium?' " As she said this, she acted it out by grabbing my arm and
shaking it violently. Then, for an encore, she yelled, "What? Are you on
Valium?" again and shook my arm violently for a second time. I'm not
real big on being touched in general, so let me tell you.  I really
loved being touched and shaken by a crazy 35 year old grandmother I met
on a bus. So much so I could have used some Valium myself.

She did try to be helpful, though. She told me many facts. For example:
"The police here suck. They really suck. They're just bastards. Sons of
bitches. I hate them." I later found out she was taking the bus to the
Department of Motor Vehicles, so there may be more to this story. As a
journalist, I should have done my best to find out, but as a Bostonian
shaken by a strange women on a bus, I didn't want to do anything to
prolong the conversation. I'm sure you understand.

Still, she kept on talking, and I kept on nodding and saying, "Really.
That's interesting."

"Omagod! There's a bomb on the bus."

"Really. That's interesting."

I thought I was moving to a safe part of southern California. Apparently
not. "We have gangs here and drive-by shootings. I've been in areas
where teenagers are carrying guns and shooting each other. But seriously
it's great. I think you'll really like it here."

When I mentioned I might get a roommate, she told me to be careful.
"Watch out. The people here won't pay the rent. They'll steal from you.
And they won't feel guilty. It's like they have no conscience. But
seriously California's nice. You'll like it. It's just that the people
suck."

She also warned me about California women. "They'll just use you. And
then when they're done with you, they'll dump you. You have to watch
out. Besides, half of them have venereal diseases. But seriously it's
really nice here. You'll like it."

Maybe all this is why I didn't mind my first few days in California.
Granted, I didn't really know anyone and didn't have many conversations,
but on the plus side I didn't really know anyone and didn't have many
conversations. Every conversation I do have is a bit scary. Just
yesterday, I was told that wild coyotes run around my apartment complex
at night.

Great. Now during the earthquake when I'm trying to avoid the drive-by
shootings, mud slides, and women who are just using me and will dump me
as soon as they're finished with me, I also have to worry about wild
coyotes. Jeez. Life's tough out here. I just hope the coyotes don't have
any venereal diseases.


    .------------.
   / I C E-van|[0]\
   |  _       |_ice\ Cheers,
~ ~=-(@)------(@)-=/ I C E-man
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