Text 669, 917 rader
Skriven 2004-12-06 01:20:28 av DAVE COBLE (1:123/140)
Ärende: Legal Definitions
=========================
In order to help the good guys in the white hats, the doctors, against
the bad guys i9n black hats, the attorneys, thought might be helpful to
know what they mean

http://www.power-of-attorneys.com/legal_definitions.htm

http://www.power-of-attorneys.com is a GREAT  site for lawyer truths
.... oops, mean lawyer jokes as this is a joke list.

LEGAL DEFINITIONS:

-A-

Ad infinitum
Latin for forever, without limit, indefinitely - as in how long the lawyer
intends to keep billing you.

Affidavit
A written pack of lies and untruths, when made under oath by an individual
and then notarized, becomes a written pack of notarized lies and untruths.

Ambulance chasing
A high stakes, high speed competitive sport engaged in by personal injury
lawyers looking to cause an accident and make a quick score.

Amicus curiae
Latin for "friend of the court," as in a lawyer who slips the judge a
couple hundred bucks under the table.

Appeal
Something a person slips on in a grocery store and results in a lawsuit
being filed against said store.

Arbitration
An alternative method of resolving disputes wherein both parties agree to
abide by the decision of an arbitrator, who is generally an out of work
judge who has lost most of his marbles.

Assault
Touching another with the intent to harm, especially common in instances
where the lawyer manages to lose a client's case.

Attorney
Fancy term used by lawyers to describe themselves in the telephone yellow
page advertisements.

Attorney - client privilege
The so-called privilege bestowed upon the client wherein he or she receives
the contrived benefit of paying the lawyer $100, $200 or more per hour to
screw up his or her case.

-B-

Bad faith
An intent to deceive. A tactic often used by lawyers when dealing with
their clients.

Bail
The sum of money a lawyer's client must pay in order to get released from
jail after pummeling his or her rat skunk of a lawyer. See "Assault."

Bankruptcy
The formal condition of a person being deemed insolvent under law, a
situation a goodly number of people end up in after paying their lawyer's
bill. By declaring bankruptcy, the person agrees to divert his or her
remaining assets to the lawyer handling the bankruptcy.

Bar exam
Formal ceremony held by second year law school students, typically during
Spring Break, to determine who in their class can chug down the most
tequila in a one hour time frame. Winner is said to have passed the "Bar."

Barrister
English derivation of the French term for bastard. See "Bastard".

Bastard
French term for lawyer. As in, "That lawyer's a bastard - pardon my
French."

Bench
The comfy throne in which the judge plops his or her considerable posterior
during courtroom proceedings.

Beyond a reasonable doubt
A novel concept in jurisprudence wherein the lawyers on both sides of the
case attempt to establish that the other side is lying more than they are.

Bill-able hours
Hours billed to the client, however; should not be confused with time
actually spent working on the case. A complex algebraic algorithm is
utilized by lawyers to determine the time they bill to each case. The
formula is as follows: time actually spent working on case plus time spent
thinking about case while at lunch plus amount of the lawyer's car payment
multiplied by a factor of 4.

Breach of trust
Whenever clients attempt to surreptitiously keep the lawyer from knowing
that they still have a little money left in their bank accounts.

Bribe
A standard operating procedure in the legal profession whereby under the
table payola is given by one shady character to another equally
questionable character in exchange for preferential treatment; typically
lawyer to judge, lawyer to jury member, etc. See "Quid pro quo."

Burden of proof
The requirement demanded by lawyers that their clients prove beyond a
reasonable doubt that they have absolutely no more money left in their bank
accounts. Once the stringent burden of proof requirement is met, confirming
that you're flat broke, the lawyer feels ethically compelled to withdraw
from your case. See "Ethics."

-C-

Campaign contribution
Booty contributed by lawyers to judges' election coffers for the express
purpose of receiving preferential treatment from said judges. Judges'
campaign slogans are "you scratch my back and I'll scratch yours." Not to
be confused with a bribe, which is usually given after the judge has been
elected, although both are given for same reason and are equally effective
techniques for buying off judges.

Capital gain
The money a lawyer squeezes from his or her clients.

Capital loss
The money the client forks over to the lawyer.

Capital punishment
The lawyer fees the client must pay.

Caveat emptor
Latin for "let him beware of the lawyer." Particularly applicable tenet
when a client must deal with his or her lawyer.

Caveat rumpus
Latin for "covering your ass". An often exercised principle in the legal
profession. Also known in legal circles as "CYA."

Challenge for cause
Lawyer's option, during the jury selection process, of requesting that a
potential juror be rejected if the lawyer determines that the person is
unable or unwilling to ignore the evidence and pay attention only to the
lawyer's line of horse hockey.

Change of venue
A lawyer's request to change the trial location so that his Uncle Bob, the
on the take judge from Nincompoop County, can preside over the case.

Checks and balances
A legal phrase for the lawyer making absolutely certain that the client has
sufficient balances in his or her bank account to cover the check written
to the lawyer.

Circumstantial evidence
Depending on what side of the case the lawyer is arguing, the same
circumstantial evidence can either be 1) a smoking gun proving guilt beyond
a shadow of doubt, or 2) a trifling, petty, inconclusive and
inconsequential nuisance proving nothing at all.

Civil law
Quirky American derivation of Roman law wherein lawyers and judges
routinely manipulate a written collection of laws that apply to everyone
but the lawyers and judges themselves, who are exempt from observance of
said laws; practiced by uncivil lawyers in an uncivil environment and
administered by uncivil judges in uncivil courtrooms.

Class action lawyers
The lawyers representing a group of aggrieved plaintiffs in multimillion
dollar class action lawsuits who typically receive the millions of dollars
in legal fees while their clients in turn receive coupons and discounts as
their portion of the windfall award or settlement.

Class action lawsuit
The legal equivalent of lawyers winning the lottery; it is an often
misapplied machination wherein lawyers work to group together as many
people as possible having comparable claims thereby allowing the lawyers to
extort huge sums of money for themselves from the defendants while tossing
their clients a bone for their trouble. See "Class action members."

Class action members
The group of aggrieved plaintiffs in multimillion dollar class action
lawsuits who typically receive coupons and discounts as their portion of
the windfall award or settlement.

Closing arguments
As the trial draws to a conclusion, this is the lawyer's last ditch
ostentatious oratorical effort to bamboozle, baffle and befuddle the jury
before deliberations begin. Muddling the facts, confusing the issues and
blowing more smoke than a '71 Pinto spewing exhaust fumes are time honored
traditions of the closing argument.

Common law
Kooky legal doctrine wherein judges are allowed to make up the law as they
go along, citing precedents of other knuckle head judges as the basis for
their home cooked decisions. Under the table payoffs and campaign
contributions from lawyers pleading their cases are common components taken
into consideration when common law is determined by judges. See "Campaign
contributions."

Community property
Property acquired by a couple during their marriage together and then
acquired by the lawyers during the couple's divorce.

Compensatory damages
Money awarded by the court to reimburse for a party for actual costs
incurred, such as medical bills and lost wages, as well as for harder to
measure items like pain and suffering. The lawyers always have first crack
on the loot, since they must be reimbursed for their owned trumped up
costs, expenses, fees and the like. See "Costs."

Complaint
Term for which there are a multiplicity of legal meanings, including: what
the lawyer files on behalf of his or her clients to get a lawsuit underway;
the constant criticisms the client always has about his or her lousy ass
lawyer once the lawsuit is underway.

Confession
When the accused decides its far better to admit to the crime and face the
electric chair than be forced to listen to the loud mouth lawyers for even
one more mind numbing minute.

Conflict of interest
A disturbing and somewhat awkward situation that occurs whenever a lawyer,
representing one client, discovers that the opposing party is Paying their
lawyer a lot more money than his client is paying him.
See "Breach of trust."

Conspiracy
A sticky situation that occurs when one lawyer attempts to bilk another
lawyer out of a fee.

Contempt of court
By definition, an action that insults the dignity of the court - as if
that's really possible. In reality, anyone that rubs the judge the wrong
way may be held in contempt and be forced to fork over a fine or even spend
some time in the county cooler.

Contingency fee
A fee arrangement between the lawyer and his or her clients that stipulates
the following: If they lose the case - the lawyer gets nothing. If they win
the case - the clients get nothing.

Contract
An agreement between two or more parties in which an offer is made and
accepted. In the legal profession, it's an agreement between the lawyer and
the client which stipulates that the client agrees to pay the lawyer and
the lawyer agrees to take the money.

Contributory negligence
Anything that contributed to your lawyer's carelessness or indifference
during your trial, like the third martini he sloshed down at lunch or his
inability to count to ten.

Costs
In the legal vernacular, includes every possible combination of fees,
costs, charges, reimbursements, expenses and the like that lawyers are able
conjure up in their never ending quest to siphon every dollar from every
client each and every time out. It should be mentioned that this task is
not nearly as easy as the lawyers make it appear.

Court order
When the judge notices that is approaching noon, he or she summons the
bailiff to place his lunch order.

Crime
An illegal offense or activity which lawyers are free to perpetrate without
consequence, but when committed by anyone else would result in the offender
getting thrown in the slammer.

Criminal lawyers
Aren't they all?

Cross examination
When the lawyer becomes a little cantankerous with an uncooperative
witness.

Culpa lata
Latin for gross negligence. A lawyer who concludes a lawsuit with a client
who still has some cash remaining is said to be guilty of culpa lata.

-D-

Damages
The financial compensation awarded to an aggrieved party and his or her
lawyer, though not necessarily in that order.

Defamation
A statement that smears a lawyer's reputation, such as stating the lawyer
did a sorry ass job on your case when it was really much closer to a half
ass job instead.

Default judgment
When your lawyer screws up and manages to lose your case and you're smacked
with a judgment against you, generally it's said to be default of your
lawyer. See "Malpractice lawsuit."

Defendant
In criminal cases, the person accused of committing a crime. In civil
cases, the poor sucker getting hammered with a lawsuit.

Deposition
A pre-trial oral examination which is part of the discovery process,
wherein the opposing lawyer tediously grills you with the same set of half-
witted questions twenty seven different ways, hoping to trip you up and
then use the newly acquired "evidence" against you at trial.

Directed verdict
A judge's order to the jury to return a specified verdict, generally
because one of the lawyers didn't come through with the payola as promised.

Discovery
When the lawyer suddenly finds out that the client still has some money
left in his or her account.

Dissenting vote
A conflicting vote that runs contrary to the rest of the jury members. The
spoil sport on the jury who casts a dissenting vote and keeps them from
getting home in time for Wheel of Fortune is generally considered persona
non grata by the balance of the jury members.

Divorce
A doubly difficult time in a couple's married life where they are forced to
deal with bad feelings and bad lawyers.

Divorce lawyer
A lawyer whose primary responsibility is to make damn sure you get half and
he gets the other half.

Docket
The official and current court record book listing all of the nonsensical
loony tune lawsuits that have been filed of record and will in all
likelihood clog that particular court through the year 2020.

Double jeopardy
Being tried twice for the same offense is illegal. However, being charged
twice by your lawyer is perfectly A-OK. See "Bill-able hours."

Duces tecum
Goofy looking Latin words for "bring with you". Most common in initial
meeting with lawyer when you should "bring checkbook with you".
See "Retainer."

Due process
The antiquated and sorely out of touch notion that the laws and all legal
proceedings must be fair to all parties concerned.

Dufus dilecti
Latin for "dead dumb ass," as in the condition most clients find themselves
after dealing with their lawyers.

-E-

Embezzle
The hairsplitting and rarely enforced rule dealing with lawyers illegally
misappropriating the client's money into his or her own account by
fraudulent means. Picky, picky, picky. See "Bill-able hours."

Ethics
In the old English court system, a set of standards or codes outlining the
moral principles, conduct and judgment the lawyers had to adhere to. No
known equivalent in the United States legal system.

Evidence
Proof, presented at trial, that your lawyer actually has a pulse after all.

Ex parte communication
Latin for "don't get caught bribing the judge."

Expert witness
A witness who is an expert at custom tailoring his so-called expert
testimony to fit the particular needs of the lawyer paying his or her tab.

Ex post facto
Latin for "after your check clears the lawyer's bank;" this phrase
accurately portrays the approximate moment you figure out that your lawyer
can't find his butt with both hands.

Extortion
The shakedown process lawyers regularly utilize when blackmailing a
defendant into submission and making said defendant surrender and run up
the white flag and more importantly, fork over some serious cheese.
See "Lawyer" and "Class action lawsuit."

-F-

Felony
Serious crime punishable by having a lawyer represent you.

Freeloader
A good for nothing mooching, blood sucking parasitic leech. See "Lawyer."

-G-

Garnishment
The act of seizing a person's property and/or salary for the purposes of
paying off his or her outstanding balance owed to the lawyer.

Gavel
The wooden hammer the high-and-mighty judge likes to brandish that you'd
love to shove up the judge's high-and-mighty ass.

Good faith
To conduct one's self with honesty and without deception. Antonym -
lawyers.

Grand Jury Member
A member of a jury who has been slipped a thousand bucks by a lawyer
looking for an inside connection to help to swing the case.

Grounds for divorce
Discovery by one spouse that the other is having an affair with a lawyer.

-H-

Habitual offender
A half crazed lawyer who just can't stop himself or herself filing one
frivolous lawsuit after another.

Harassment
An act committed by a client which tends to annoy, irritate or abuse the
client's lawyer. A lawyer who has been the recipient of unsolicited words
or actions from his or her client such as name calling and the like,
regardless that said actions on the part of the client were justified, is
said to have been harassed.

Hearsay evidence
Secondhand evidence that someone only heard about and did not see or hear
firsthand, like when a lawyer hears through the grapevine that the opposing
lawyer has slipped the judge a bigger bribe than he did.

Hung jury
Taken from early Western U.S. law, when jury members who bought into the
smooth talking lawyer's song and dance were routinely hung from the gallows
along with the horse thieves.

-I-

Immunity
Biological defense you get when you receive an anti-lawyer vaccine.

Indefensible
The primary behavioral trait commonly found in all lawyers.

Insolvent
Impoverished, broke, ruined, destitute, busted, out of money - the
financial condition of the client after the lawsuit is finally over.
See "Post lawyer syndrome."

Interrogatories
Part of the pretrial discovery process in which the witness is instructed
by his or her own lawyer to provide shifty, evasive and half-baked written
answers to a set of written questions posed by the opposing lawyer. Said
answers are made under oath, which of course means nothing at all these
days.

Intestate
Dying without a will, thereby leaving your inheritance to the lawyers.

-J-

J.D.
Legal abbreviation for "juris doctor." Slang term for "B.S."

Joint custody
Upon being retained to represent the client, the lawyer is said to have
obtained joint custody of client's bank account.

Jurisprudence
The science of converting the client's money into the lawyer's money.

Jury
A group of six or twelve everyday citizens, who couldn't figure out how to
finagle their way out of jury duty, must now try and figure out which
lawyer is lying the least.

Jury tampering
A commonly accepted practice in the legal profession, albeit illegal
(picky, picky), on the part of one or more lawyers to disrupt the
independence of jury members to decide the case based on the facts.

Just cause
A phrase frequently used by Southern lawyers pertaining to their bills. In
the South, lawyers frequently overcharge their clients "just cause" they
feel like it.

Justice system
A legal system set in place by our country's founders predicated on the
hypothetical premise that somehow lying, cheating, low life lawyers and
crooked, corrupt, on the take judges could be trusted to ferret out justice
with impartiality and fairness to one and all.

-K-

Kit-and-caboodle
Also known as the whole kit and caboodle - how much of your money your
lawyer feels he or she is entitled to.

-L-

Larceny
Crimes such as robbery, theft and burglary that are perfectly legal once
you obtain a law degree.

Law
A superficial term loosely and interchangeably used by lawyers and judges
alike whenever they feel a need to put the rest of us in our pedestrian
places. It is a widely accepted perception within the legal community that
lawyers and judges alike are above the law and any rules governing same.

Law firms
Unseemly groups of lawyers who have banded together under one roof to
devise new techniques and stratagems that allow them to take full advantage
of loopholes within the law while making great gobs of money in the
meantime.

Law license
A license to steal - and get away with it.

Lawyer
Originally derived from early Roman law, meaning "liar," term has evolved
over the years to include other derivatives, including Latin for
"scoundrel," Italian for "shyster," Greek for "con-artist" and early Texan
for "piece of horse poop."

Leading question
A question posed by a lawyer that suggests an answer. Such as asking the
client "will you be paying by cash or by check?"

Legislation
Laws passed by lawyers masquerading as politicians for the benefit of the
other lawyers who contributed to the politicians' campaign coffers.

Litigation
America's favorite pastime.

Long arm statutes
Laws that allows lawyers to reach into your pockets without your express
written consent.

-M-

Malpractice lawsuit
When a lawyer, renown for his or her improper and negligent professional
behavior, brings a lawsuit against a doctor accusing the doctor of improper
and negligent professional behavior. Takes one to know one?

Mediation
An alternative method for resolving disputes between parties in which a
neutral third party called the mediator attempts to facilitate a
settlement. When the parties fail to reach an agreement, they are free to
hammer each other with a lawsuit.

Miranda warning
The statement recited by a police officer to individuals being arrested and
taken into custody, warning them that if they don't come clean right this
minute, the police are going to sic a lawyer on them.

Misdemeanor
A colloquial expression for a well known fact in the legal community that
if the trial runs long and the judge has to miss lunch, demeanor the judge
gets.

Misrepresentation
The highly specialized field of legal representation that the majority of
lawyers in America specialize in.

Mistrial
When your lawyer oversleeps and misses your trial, leaving you hung out to
dry.

Mitigating circumstances
When the lawyer finds out you've run out of money and drops your case like
a hot potato.

Motion
A request by a lawyer asking the judge to issue a ruling or order on a
legal matter, usually successful when accompanied with an envelope of cash.

-N-

Negligence
Legal principle that holds that everyone, with the notable exception of
lawyers and judges who are exempt from same, have a duty to ensure that
their actions do not cause harm to others.

Negotiations
The act of determining whether the lawyer will take 50% or 60% of the money
awarded to his or her clients.

Next of kin
A person you can borrow money from to help pay your lawyer bills.

-O-

Oath
The act of the witness raising his or her right hand while the lawyer
deftly reaches into said witness' right pocket.

Obstruction of justice
Defined by law to be any act which impedes or obstructs the administration
of justice; also known as every act taken by every lawyer every day of his
or her life.

Open and shut case
Open your wallet and shut your mouth.

Order in the Court
The statement the judge typically hollers at the top of his or her lungs to
a calamitous courtroom as he or she simultaneously pounds the gavel into
smithereens, attempting to assert control and restore order to the
courtroom. Once order has been satisfactorily restored and the trial
resumes, the judge can doze off again.

Organized crime
The United States legal system at work.

Out of court settlement
Settlement put together before the court has rendered its decision whereby
the lawyers representing the litigants determine how much each of the
lawyers involved will receive.

-P-

Paralegal
A person who works for a lawyer and does a limited amount of legal assist
work for the lawyer but is not actually a lawyer himself or herself,
thereby allowing the lawyer to rack up additional fees from unsuspecting
clients.

Parole
The supervised release of prisoners before their terms are over, insuring
that lawyers will have a steady supply of repeat customers.

Penalty phase of the trial
The part of the trial when the lawyers start talking.

Peremptory challenge
Specified number of challenges a lawyer may use to eliminate potential
jurors during jury selection - without stating that the reason the person
is being excused is because the individual may be able to see through the
lawyer's bullshit.

Perjury
When a lawyer's client actually gets caught lying under oath.

Perpetuity
The typical length of time it takes for a case to wind its way through the
legal process.

Pettifogger
A dishonest, underhanded shyster who sustains his or her professional
career through a myriad of disreputable, dirty dealings. In the legal
profession, simply known as a managing partner in a law firm.

Petty offense
Minor crimes, such as traffic violations, that petty lawyers can pettily
amplify into a ton of petty legal fees to be paid by the petty offender.

Plaintiff
The person who initiates a lawsuit. Known as the "sewer."

Plea bargain
A negotiated agreement between the defense attorney and the prosecution in
a criminal proceeding. Typically when the lawyer cuts a deal with the
prosecution allowing his client to plead guilty to a lesser charge, thereby
allowing the client to keep his or her job and keep making progress
payments on the legal bill owed to the lawyer.

Post lawyer syndrome
The financial and mental plight of the client after dealing with a lawyer.
See "Insolvent."

Power of attorney
The power laden adrenaline rush a lawyer feels every time he sees his
reflection in a mirror.

Preponderance of evidence
What the lawyer does before he ponders the evidence.

Presumption of guilt
The assumption on the lawyer's part that everyone is at fault for
everything. This assumption of guilt can be easily rectified once you have
forked over the requisite retainer fee to lawyer. Upon payment of fee, you
are then said to be presumed innocent. See "Presumption of innocence."

Presumption of innocence
A hypothetical theorem derived from early prehistoric times that postulated
a person was presumed innocent until proven guilty in a court of law. This
bothersome outdated assumption has long since been dismissed by law school
professors and their law school students as irrelevant and wholly
immaterial.

Prima facie
Latin for "at first sight," as in when you first knew you were screwed when
you met your public defender for the first time.

Probate
The formal certificate given by the probate court that attests that the
will has been validated and that the lawyers can now divvy up the estate
between them.

Probation
When the lawyer gave the judge enough dough to keep his client out of jail,
but not enough to get the client completely off the hook.

Pro bono
Lawyers who prefer Sonny over Cher.

Pro se
Latin phrase that means "for himself." It has been said that a person who
represents himself in court is said to have a fool for a lawyer - but who's
really going to notice the difference anyway?

Prostitute
A person who screws another person for money. See "Lawyer."

Public defender
A lawyer who is too lazy to get a real job.

Punitive damages
Money awarded to a victim intended to punish a defendant and stop that
business or individual from repeating the same kind of disgraceful
conduct that lawyers get away with every single day.

-Q-

Quid pro qou
Latin for "something for something." Generally an agreement between the
lawyer and the judge wherein the lawyer slides the judge some cash under
the table in exchange for letting the lawyer's client off the hook; or an
agreement between lawyer and client wherein client slides lawyer money to
slide to the judge to get the client out of hot water.

-R-

Reasonable doubt
When the lawyer hasn't received the check covering his latest billing
statement to you on time, he is said to be suffering from a case of
reasonable doubt.

Rescind
Whenever the lawyer's first bill isn't paid on time, the lawyer will
typically rescind another.

Res Ipsa Loquiter
Latin for "the thing speaks for itself." Modern day legal interpretation is
"the lawyer never shuts his trap, even for a few minutes."

Retainer
The sizable up front and nonrefundable initial payment made to the lawyer
before you come to your senses.

Right of first refusal
The unalienable right conferred upon law school graduates that decrees that
they have the right to never take less than one third of any settlement and
not less than forty percent of any judgment, plus expenses of course.

Rule of law
Lawyers make the rules - and that's the law.

-S-

Search warrant
A court order signed by a judge that grants a lawyer the right to enter
your property and search for spare change between your couch cushions.

Sentence
What you'll never get to finish with a lawyer around - until the judge
gives you one.

Sequester
The act of locking a group of jurors in a room and then expecting them to
all agree on a verdict after they have been subjected to countless hours of
confusing testimony, conflicting statements and legal mumbo jumbo they
don't understand and couldn't care less about.

Service
When an individual or company is "served" with a lawsuit. Also known on the
streets as getting screwed.

Servitude
Taken from Roman law, the insolent attitude needed to serve someone with a
lawsuit.

Silent partner
What you become once you enlist the services of a lawyer.

Slander
Calling a lawyer a cheat and a crook when the correct verbiage would have
been a shyster and a scoundrel.

Small claims court
A regular court that deals with claims of lesser value and enjoys simpler
rules of procedure. Due to the law of economics and the small potato cases
involved (not enough money for lawyers to make any real serious cheese),
small claims courts also enjoys a decided dearth of lawyers.

Solicitor
 From old English law where solicitors were lawyers who gave oral or
 written advice but did not appear in court (those who litigated were
 called barristers), has evolved in 21st Century American law to mean
 ambulance chaser.

Statutes
Carefully constructed laws written by legislating lawmaker lawyers who used
to lawbreaker lawyers so that when they stop being lawmakers they can
become lawbreakers once again.

Subpoena
A handy little tool a lawyer uses to command that a witness present himself
or herself at a given place, a given time and on a given date regardless of
whether or not the time, place or date is convenient for the witness. Then
after the witness makes himself or herself available as stipulated, the
lawyer lets the witness cool his or her heels for an hour or two in the
waiting room.

Summation
When the lawyer adds up your outstanding tab.

Summons
A legal document that crams a lawsuit up your butt.

Supersedeas
Latin for when a group of super seedy lawyers get together. This group is
said to be "supersedeas."

Surgeon general's warning
A warning affixed to each pack of cigarettes that states "smoking like a
fiend can make you and your lawyers very rich."

-T-

Tort
Derived from the French law, meaning a "wrong." In American jurisprudence,
a tort is a civil wrong that results in an injury to a person and millions
of dollars for the lawyer.

Trust
A firm belief in the honesty and integrity of another; a commodity in very
short supply when dealing with lawyers.

-U-

Unjust enrichment
When classless class action clowns (AKA lawyers) take millions of in fees
and their class action clients get a coupon.

Usufruct
Taken from ancient Roman law meaning the rights to the product of another
person's property, evolved into modern American legal interpretation of
"rights to the client's checkbook."

-V-

Venue
The location of the judicial hearing. Lawyers prefer venues in which they
have some degree of influence with the judge presiding. See "Change of
venue."

Verdict
The formal decision rendered by the jury or judge in a trial based on which
of the lawyers' lies seemed the most credible.

Void
The empty space between the lawyer's ears.

Voir dire
A fancy French term for interviewing prospective jurors and systematically
eliminating anyone with an IQ over 20 from the jury.

-W-

Waiver
A client who has given the lawyer his or her money is said to have waived
his or her right to ever see the money again. This person is called a
waiver, having waved the money good-bye.

Whiplash
A severe jolting of the neck generally caused by the impact associated with
an automobile collision, usually accompanied by a severe bone crushing jolt
of ambulance chasing lawyers piling on top of the injured individual.

Will
A written and signed statement, executed by an individual, that provides
how his or her estate will be divided among the lawyers presiding over said
estate.

Without prejudice
A lawyer who is always willing to take money from anyone and everyone is
said to be without prejudice.

Witness
An individual who swears to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but
the truth and then proceeds to tell the story the way his lawyer instructed
him to tell it.

-X-

Xerox a copy
When a lawyer gets his or her secretary to copy documents for your case and
then turns around and charges you fifty cents per copied page. Copying a
nice stack of papers can pay the lawyer's office rent for a month. Also
known as a profit center for lawyers.

-Y-

Yawn
What a lawyer must fight back while listening to you spin your tale of woe.

-Z-

Zero
The amount of money a client has remaining in his or her bank account after
being fleeced by the lawyer.
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