Text 850, 172 rader
Skriven 2004-12-28 08:40:38 av Greg Sears (1:153/307)
     Kommentar till en text av Sean Dennis
Ärende: Re: Joke
================
OBStory for Sean

The Saga of Nigel the Hedgehog
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

From: I C E-man

        Chapter II


Nigel hated dry roasted pea-nuts and he knew that Ronny knew that he
detested them and hence they acted as a clever disguise. The cunning
disguise had worked rather well up to now ( which is quite surprising
when you consider that Nigel was the only creature in the whole place
that didn't resemble a sheep ). But then, their two gazes met. They both
froze instantaneously. Ronny bolted upright and raced toward Nigel ...

Nigel knew what to do. He dodged and weaved, jumped and diving, spinning
and moving with that athletic grace mentioned earlier. By this time,
Ronny ( or was that Ronnie ? ) had nearly reached Nigel, but he pulled
to a stop, hypnotized by Nigel's breakdancing.

With great ferocity, Nigel took advantage of his enemy's momentary lapse
and lunged towards him and started chewing his ankles.  But this of
course was a great mistake since Ronnie had very sensitive ankles, and a
fetish about ankle chewing.

Nigel, unaware of his suggestive actions, thought he was tackling an
arch enemy with ferocious force. His skill at maiming people and animals
was second to none, he thought, and Ronn{y | i.e.} would be down on his
knees sooner or later.

His actions were sustained for another couple of minutes when Nigel
began to get a little nervous. He looked up to face Ronny and noticed
the grin of ecstasy. Ronny lost his fit of jealousy and had forgotten
his death wish. Nigel was the one he loved, and he now had him, chewing
his ankles! OOOhhhh...love!

Now, as has already been pointed out Nigel no longer likes Ronnie and
was somewhat taken aback by Ron's reaction. To avoid further sexual
entanglement Nigel had to think of something quick! "Look! Up There!",
pointed Nigel and Ronnie immediately shot his glance skyward. Nigel
detached himself from Runny's ankles and made for the door, pausing only
to pick up his dry roasted peanuts. Ronn noticed this and chased after
our intrepid hero with fury (and disappointment) in his veins....

As Nigel raced out on to the road, he was in such a hurry he forgot
about his other arch enemies, the lorry drivers.  He ran over the road
with so much as glancing left or right.  But of course, our hero could
not die such a miserable death.  He just managed to roll to safety as a
juggernaut thundered past him.  Ron however was not so fortunate.  Once
the lorry had past, Nigel could see what looked like a very bloody sheep
skin rug lying on the road.

Our hedgehog hero was STUNNED!! Prickly as he may have been he was very
sensitive (corny or what) and he dived over to Ronnie (or Ronny or Ronn
or Ronn ) with as much athletic grace as he could muster to console his
ex in his last moments on this precious Earth. There was nothing Nigel
could do. Nigel slapped Ronnie-poos on his back and carried him over to
the hard shoulder where he laid him to rest in a most gracious manner -
if that is possible with a bloody, rug-like, dead sheep. Nigel took off
his rucksack and pulled out a battery operated pneumatic drill. "A
roadside grave would have been exactly what Ronnie would have wanted",
he reflected solemnly. All of a sudden the pub door was flung open and
another sheep came rushing only out to see Ronnie apparently being
mutilated by a 8 inch tall hedgehog with a pneumatic drill. This sheep
saw RED!! ( not only because of all the blood ). This sheep's name was
Bonnie. This sheep was Ronnie's twin brother!!!

 Well! Bonnea leapt towards Nigel in a staggering flying tackle
(staggering because he was rat-faced having just come out of the pub.
Nigel did not, however, notice this as his eyes were misted with tears
and his ears were full of the sound of someone drilling up the road.
Bonn landed next to Nige, tripped and, because of the momentum from
leaping over the road, slid in front of Nige.
Drrrrrrrrr-squelch-Drrrrrrrr-splat-Drrrrrrr-squelch-Drrrrrrrrr. Nigel
stopped drilling for a moment and put what he thought was part of
Ronnie's body back with the rest of it. He wondered why Ronnie's body
had slipped over under the drill, not that it made much difference as he
was in a pretty bad state anyway. After the hole was dug Nige put both
bodies in the grave (wondering why Ronnie seemed to have eight legs) and
started to say last rights. Unfortunately this whole episode had been
watched in horror and dismay at the openness of such butchery against
sheep by the whole population of the pub through the window. A massive
hoard of furious sheep steamed out of the door, brandishing branding
irons, hot from the fire and charged at Nige. Now, as has been said
before Nigel has super powers, one of which is ESP, and it now told him
that these sheep meant him no good. He paused wondering what to do as
five hundred angry sheep tore towards him (two hundred died crossing the
exceptionally busy road) and he ...........

The noise of the heavy thuds loudened as the sheep approached, Nigel had
to think fast if he was to get out of this one. Hold on, he thought, he
was no ordinary hedgehog ... he had the invisibility ability, no that
was too easy ... how could he use one of his many super-hedgehog
abilities and at the same time keep the plot reasonably interesting,
then it came to him, Chris was the fantasy whizz-kid, pass the plot
onto...

To confuse them, Nigel ran away. Then, he turned, running at full pelt
towards them. He curled himself into a ball ( Like all hedgehogs in
times of trouble ) and rolled between the legs of his attackers. He
rolled over the road ( narrowly missed by another jugganought ) and into
the pub. He had seen a sword earlier, hung on the pub wall as
decoration, but it was too high to grasp. He ran up the stairs to the
balcony, jumped off it, caught the chandelier, and swung over to the
sword. He took it, and dropped down just in time to confront the first
sheep. Fencing, sword verses branding iron Nigel fought them back, but
the press of bodies was too great ( three hundred sheep is a lot ( my,
that road is busy ! ) ), and he was driven back. Now he faced six
opponents at once, but he bravely struck again and again. Up the stairs
he fenced, until he reached the top. Then he ran to the nearest door
( The one whose keyhole he had used extensively earlier ), with his
pursuers close behind. While the attackers stared, stunned at the sights
he had earlier admired, Nigel ran to the window and, saying a quick
prayer, jumped through ...

 And fell a considerable distance into the sunroof of his hog-mobile
which he had earlier conveniently secreted in a nearby hedge. "Hurrah!",
he cried, cruising down the road, the memory of his past relationships
already dimming quickly. At the same time, Barry was just clambering out
of the crater that had opened up in the road before him. For a moment
Nigel played with the idea of taking advantage of the ironic switch in
their situations and flattening Barry into the road, but this seemed
inconsistent with his role as a superhedgehog. Instead, he decided to
stop and offer his erstwhile attacker a lift. But Barry did not want a
lift, he wanted to tell someone about his adventures in the
pseudo-crater, which was in fact the entrance to a mysterious
underground world ruled by Sainsbury's carrier bags, [The 4p versions
with proper handles not the far inferior free type], where men sat in
goldfish bowls and walked around in circles gulping all day, and
hedgehogs lounged about in purple smoking jackets saying such things as:
"The soul is born old and grows young, that is life's comedy. The body
is born young and grows old, that is life's tragedy." He affectionately
kicked Nigel before him and together they entered the underworld.

The first corridor they entered was narrow and dark, followed by a
second which was even narrower and darker. The third was more narrow and
more dark, and the forth one was so narrow Barry had to lose a stone to
get through it, and Nigel had to switch on his 'Vision-o-gram'
super-spectacles for healthy vision.

A slimmer Barry and a stupid-looking hedgehog finally entered the
pseudo-crater and looked all around them in wonder. All over the cave,
goldfish bowls with humans in them, and Hedgehogs saying things like
"The trouble with doing something original is that no-one appreciates
how hard it was to do" hung around with little regard for Nigel or
Barry.

SCREEN:[ wobble ... wobble ... wobble ] Barry rubbed his eyes,
eventually focussing on an amazing sight. Not a weird underground
cavern as he thought, but a small prickly rodent driving a CAR ? Hold
on what was stranger, a world run by Sainsbury shopping bags or a
hedgehog driving an automobile. Barry really had hit his head badly !
Nigel continued driving, until he spotted a sign for a motel [what
country is this anyway ?]. He thought this would be a good place to
unwind from what most would call a busy night. He booked one room and
waited for the men in white coats to arrive ... Alone again, Nigel
rested ... It was a beautiful crisp (spring?) morning and Nigel knew he
had to continue on his goal.



   *                       *
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