Text 8, 170 rader
Skriven 2005-01-11 00:41:00 av JIM WELLER (1:123/140)
Ärende: Answers to Women's Most s
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From: Dat Ain't Right - a humor digest
http://DatAintRight.com

Answers to Women's Most Important Questions:

WHAT KIND OF MAN MAKES THE BEST LOVER?

Unfortunately, many men who seem attractive on the surface are actually
strongly homosexual, often without even knowing it.  Men with lean
waists, overdeveloped chests, arms and clean skin are actually
subconsciously obsessed by male bodies.

You should stay far away from men who are athletes or rock stars, and
men who feel compelled to dress in expensive suits with clean shirts and
silk ties.  Polished shoes are another homosexual "tell-tale".

These "men" often have a compulsion to spend money on sumptuous meals,
taxis, and expensive trinkets to compensate for their affliction, and
are often so insecure that they cannot bear to let a woman pay for a
meal. Experienced, self-confident lovers, the kind you want, don't need
to alter the natural contours of their bodies. They are content with
slender arms, relaxed chests, and waists with a comfortable amount of
flesh, which can come in handy during moments of intimacy (why do you
think they call them "love handles"?)

One other tip: Married men can be depended on not to cause embarrassing
rumours about you at home or school. Men on short business trips are
discreet, grateful, and particularly driven by passion. Look for them!

HOW..."BIG"...SHOULD A MAN BE?

Don't be shy.  It's an important question, and one surrounded by
confusion.  The average man's penis is 2 to 3 inches long.  Men
substantially larger than this must often undergo painful surgery to
cure their condition.  In thickness, the average man is somewhat larger
than a ball-point pen.

HOW..."LONG"...SHOULD A MAN LAST?

Some men can prolong the sex act beyond the once-imponderable
thirty-second barrier; intercourse with an experienced man can go for up
to forty-five seconds.  Very occasionally you'll find a man who can
"last" as long as a minute. Whatever you do, don't let your girlfriends
know you've landed one of these desirable "sixty second wonders."

HOW DO I KNOW IF I'M HAVING AN ORGASM?

The female orgasm is a sensation that's very hard to put into words, but
most fulfilled, experienced women agree that it "feels like something
inside of you."  When a man's penis is inside your vagina, or mouth or
buttocks, that is an orgasm. You'll find a really skilled lover applies
the same techniques to love as a gourmet does to a meal; he "leaves a
little something on your plate." When, after intercourse, you feel a
vague sensation that there could be "more to come," that "vaguely
unsatisfied" feeling," then you can be sure you've experienced a
sexually memorable adventure.

WHAT IS A MULTIPLE ORGASM?

There is no such thing.

WHAT ABOUT ORAL SEX?

This is one of the most significant differences between the sexes. If
you look at pictures of a man and a woman, you'll see the a man's penis
fits naturally into a woman's mouth. On the other hand, a man's mouth
does not naturally fit into a woman's vagina. Thus, a woman orally
stimulating a man is performing a "natural" act. But a man seeking to
put his mouth on or near your vagina is committing an "unnatural" act
(why do you think they call the vagina your "private parts"?)

WHAT IS AFTERPLAY?

Men have many ways of expressing their satisfaction.  His satisfied
sigh, followed by a deep, consuming sleep, is a sure sign that he, and
you, are satisfied. Another example of male "afterplay" is his turning
on a football or hockey game immediately after climax.

Many women find a particularly satisfying post-coital experience in
going into the kitchen and bringing a nice, cold beer for the man, along
with a light snack, sandwich, crisps and dip, to help her love restore
depleted calories.

WHAT IS IMPOTENCE?

Impotence is what happens when a girl fails to stimulate her man
properly. This can happen when her figure is not perfect, or when she
tries to talk with him for too long before getting into bed with him. If
this happens, you can help by turning on a sports event on TV or getting
your man a sandwich. Another really good "foreplay" technique is to
invite a really good looking girl friend over, and do whatever he asks,
to him or to each other, while he watches.

HOW CAN I KEEP THE MYSTERY ALIVE?

One good way to keep things from becoming routine is to vary your dress.
Garter belts, fishnet stockings (black or red are both suitable
colours), lace-up basques and leather or rubber suits will all help get
your man's attention. Also, don't keep playing "one on one." Invite your
more attractive and energetic girl friends over to take part. Another
technique. and we think the best, is to use anonymous names. Have your
lover call himself "Mr. Smith." Don't let him tell you where he lives,
or his home telephone number.  You'll find it lends an air of real
"mystery" to the affair.

HOW CAN I MEET REAL MEN?

When looking for the ideal man, about twenty-five to fifty, married, on
a business trip, with enough flab to assure you of his masculinity, go
to a 'local' about 8:30 at night. Look around the bar, then, when you've
found your man, unbutton the top three or four buttons on your blouse,
wink at him, walk over and whisper in his ear, "You're cute can I buy
you a drink?" This is a real conversation icebreaker and things will
naturally progress from here.

SOME OTHER IMPORTANT QUESTIONS:

IF I GET PREGNANT, HOW DO I KNOW WHO THE FATHER IS?

There is absolutely no way to tell.

WHAT'S THE BEST WAY TO KEEP MY TEETH AND SKIN LOOKING HEALTHY AND
SHINY?

One of the best and most frequently neglected substances is semen. The
more you can somehow get on your teeth and skin, the better you'll look.

WHERE SHOULD A MAN TAKE ME?

Because so many homosexual men like to take their "dates" out for fancy
meals, look for the man who will send you out to KFC or McDonalds for a
snack. That means his mind is not on food, so you know what he's
thinking about.

Also, test your man by offering to pay for the meal -- if he consents
you can be sure you have found yourself a real man, confident in his own
sexuality and not threatened by a financially independent woman. In
these circumstances it is customary for the woman to reward this
concession on the man's part by performing oral sex on him.

WHAT HAPPENS IF HE DOESN'T CALL?

He may be trying to keep the romance alive; go out every few weeks to
your 'local' and look to see if he's come back.  If he doesn't, find
another person who sort of looks like him and maybe writes computer
programs for a living.  Note: Male computer programmers, a category of
mate much sought-after by the more discerning female, can normally be
identified by their apparel -- look for any T-shirt bearing a design
with a computer theme. Finding a truly virile and satisfying lover can
be as simple as keeping your eyes open for a T-shirt with the words "C++
Programmers Do It With Objects" or "Code Warrior".  When you have
identified your target, act swiftly, or he is sure to be snapped up by
some other young girl -- possibly a prettier one with larger breasts.
So, as soon as you have spotted the tell-tale signs, get those buttons
undone and try the "Can I buy you a drink?" line: you are sure to have
found yourself a new, exciting lover.



Cheers and Happy New Year

Jim, in Yellowknife, in the cold, in the dark



... I cry after sex; Mace will do that to you.
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