Text 216, 195 rader
Skriven 2006-04-27 19:45:00 av ROSS SAUER (1:123/140)
Ärende: GOPpies!
================
Somebody got a bit creative at DU. <G>

Genus: Politiciae troglodyticus, common name "GOPpie"

Four distinct species, described below. The American genus is 
distributed widely throughout the continent, especially in the South and 
West Central regions. Extremely hardy and robust, populations 
occasionally increase to nuisance levels, degrading habitat and 
overwhelming other native Politiciae as well as Apoliticus 
apathiphilius. Although species differ markedly in many respects, all 
species and subspecies can be identified by the extremity of their 
distrust of any information that conflicts with a fantasy worldview 
specific to each species.

Politiciae troglodyticus species are all predatory, although specific 
prey differs. They tend to be opportunistic nesters, often settling in 
the territories or homes of other members of the order Politiciae, and 
displacing them to less desirable territory. They are also messy and 
destructive, fouling and/or accumulating waste in their nest sites. Upon 
exhausting the resources of a chosen site, or rendering it 
uninhabitable, they abandon the degraded sites and move on to new sites.

P. troglodyticus has no known beneficial interrelationships with other 
creatures and their sole ecological value appears to be as a check on 
overpopulation by other Politiciae. The genus currently dominates 
American politics to an unhealthy, even catastrophic degree.

Species

P. troglodyticus, sp. "Robber Baron"

Although the least numerous species in the genus (estimated to be less 
than 2% of the total population,) "Robber Barons" are extraordinarily 
dominant in the genus as a whole due to their incredible ability to 
influence the nesting and predation patterns of other species. They are 
omnivorous, parasitic predators and scavengers with an unlimited 
appetite for both power and cash, requiring massive consumption of both 
to survive.

As parasites, they require hosting by other P. troglodyticus species, 
and thus must carefully nurture and control their hosts, in order to 
achieve access to other prey from whom they can accumulate power and 
cash. In the process, they facilitate host species’ survival and access 
to preferred prey, as long as it does not interfere with the Robber 
Baron’s acquisition of power and/or cash. However, if the host’s feeding 
or nesting habits interfere with the Robber Baron’s goals, they will 
deny access and eventually starve the host, and when other prey are 
scarce, Robber Barons will cannibalize other P. troglodyticus species.

The only known natural predator of the Robber Baron is other Robber 
Barons. Intraspecies competition can be fierce even when abundant 
resources are available, and when resources are scarce the Robber Baron 
can turn viciously even on its own mate and family. The only known 
control for this incredibly noxious nuisance species is to deny it 
sufficient hosts and/or prey to support the population in any numbers. 
Unfortunately, these controls were decimated during the P. liberalicus 
boom thirty years ago, and the superbly opportunistic Robber Barons have 
been increasing to catastrophic levels since.

Distribution: Relatively evenly distributed throughout the range, 
although individuals tend to maintain multiple nest sites in secluded 
clusters of other Robber Barons, and migrate freely between regions.

P. troglodyticus, sp. "Fundy Wackjob"

The Fundy Wackjob numbers have experienced a surge in the last few 
decades, as Robber Barons have found them extremely compliant and 
favorable hosts while access to their preferred food sources was 
facilitated. Fundy Wackjobs feed on several P. liberalicus species, 
including "Uppity Wimmin," and "Secular Humanists." Other prey include 
all species of Politiciae libertariensis, and even those members of the 
order Apoliticus apathiphilius whose range and nesting sites overlap 
with the Fundy Wackjobs.

The most social GOPie species, the Fundy Wackjob congregates 
geographically to reinforce its effectiveness. They claim territory by 
eliminating the civil liberties that support other species. Extremely 
prolific breeders, they are highly aggressive in claiming and defending 
territory and preventing access to others, even other P. troglodyticus 
species (except the Robber Barons.) This habit contributes to the boom-
and-bust cyclical nature of the Fundy Wackjob population, which operates 
on a cycle that varies from thirty to fifty years.

Once the Fundy Wackjobs exhaust available prey species, they resort to 
cannibalism, splintering into ever smaller, more extreme, and vicious 
subgroups that hunt each other with increasing fervor until the 
population is exhausted and returns to more sustainable levels. However, 
the political landscape they leave behind, devoid of civil liberties and 
polluted with an abundance of toxic laws and regulations, rarely 
supports any substantial public life without extensive reclamation 
efforts.

Distribution: A naturally rural creature, they concentrate most heavily 
in the South and Central regions. The species recently peaked at about 
35% of the total GOPpie population, but some GOPpie biologists believe 
that the "bust" process is already beginning. Although Fundy Wackjobs 
have been accommodating hosts for Robber Barons, their voraciousness for 
civil liberties has recently begun to threaten the Robber Barons’ 
rapacious capitalistic acquisitiveness. Based on past population cycles, 
the opportunistic Robber Barons are more likely to turn to scavenging 
these hosts than attempt to preserve them.

P. troglodyticus, sp. "Asshole"

Unlike the other, more social species of P. troglodyticus, the Asshole 
tends to be a solitary predator whose fear-based aggressiveness can make 
it extremely dangerous. A small but significant part of the total GOPpie 
population, it is difficult to estimate total numbers, as the Asshole 
frequently takes on the appearance of the less aggressive "Woolhat" 
variety of P. troglodyticus "Neanderthal" or even an odd mimicry of P. 
libertariensis. However, as individuals they are highly recognizable by 
the volume, stridency, and random coherence of their vocalizations.

Robber Barons trick the Asshole into playing host by pretending to make 
initiatory gestures of sharing power and cash, convincing the Asshole 
that acquiescence to the Robber Baron will lead to a sharing of such 
resources, and even, eventually, being accepted into Robber Baron 
communities. This is generally effective, although on rare occasions 
Robber Barons have been savaged by hosts who finally realize no benefits 
will ever be forthcoming. However, the minimal cognitive capabilities of 
the species generally makes them amenable to Robber Baron predation.

The Asshole itself is an undiscriminating predator/scavenger, feeding 
upon any creature that threatens its territory or excites its extremely 
sensitive fear-based aggression circuits. Always insecure in its ability 
to attract mates, hold territory, or achieve dominance, the Asshole 
constantly resorts to elaborate public displays of hyperaggression, 
which frequently serve to drive competition away in sheer boredom and/or 
disgust. The resulting scarcity of food often makes scavenging as common 
a survival mechanism as predation for the Asshole. As such, they are 
tough survivors and almost impossible to eradicate successfully.

Distribution: Assholes can be found in all parts of the GOPpie range, 
but tend to gravitate toward areas where there is plenty of cover, 
extreme rural fastnesses and urban undergrounds. They can also, by their 
talent for mimicry, take refuge in communities of Politiciae 
libertariensis, where they can be difficult to differentiate. However, 
the Asshole can be flushed from this cover by proposing certain types of 
legislation, especially criminalization of flag-burning, tort "reform," 
etc., which will provoke wild "support display" behaviors.

P. troglodyticus, sp. "Neanderthal"

The most numerous GOPpie species, the Neanderthal is also the most 
varied in habits, feeding patterns, and nesting behaviors. This 
variation has sparked debate over whether there are, in fact, several 
distinct subspecies of Neanderthal. All have in common a deep suspicion 
of change, a strong aversion to the unfamiliar or "different," and an 
unshakeable certainty that at some time in the past, things were 
"better" than they are today. Most common prey among all varieties 
includes creatures weaker and/or poorer than themselves, along with any 
they suspect are smarter than themselves.

The less noxious varieties of Neanderthal tend to be modest feeders who 
essentially scavenge the kills of other GOPpies, some are quite light 
feeders. While their nesting calls can be occasionally irritating, they 
are rarely dangerous unless provoked. They stake our relatively small 
territories; these, however, they will defend tenaciously. They make 
good hosts for the Robber Barons, as they are rarely able to detect the 
parasites’ presence. If the parasites become too demanding, however, or 
if the habits of other species too obviously threaten their survival 
resources, the milder varieties of Neanderthal will occasionally turn on 
their fellow-GOPpies. This is believed to be the original proto-GOPpie, 
from which all species differentiated over the last two centuries. They 
still make up a substantial (estimated 25-35%) share of the total 
population, but their more retiring habit makes them seem rare.

The balance of the Neanderthal species tends to be more toxic. This is 
believed due to extensive cross-breeding and influence of other species. 
For instance, there is a fairly numerous strain of Neanderthals that are 
almost as voracious for cash as the Robber Barons, and although rarely 
permitted access to any meaningful form of power, they exist in a kind 
of aspirational symbiosis with the parasitic uberspecies, exercising 
trivial amounts of power with obsessive ferocity. These "RB Wannabes" 
are easily distinguished by their obliviousness to their larger habitat 
and the cluttered nature of their gadget-filled nests. Other subgroups 
include the semi-torpid "Woolhat" subgroup, distinguishable by its lack 
of coloration, which shares a good many Asshole characteristics, and 
tends to prey preferentially on creatures with brown shades of 
coloration, and the "Bluenose" variation, which lacks the virulence of 
the Fundy Wackjob but spends most of its existence identifying and 
preying on anything that provides enjoyment.

Distribution: Politiciae troglodyticus "Neanderthal" is common and 
abundant throughout its entire range, reaching nuisance levels in many 
areas where it has displaced less robust breeders.

http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&add
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