Text 1090, 228 rader
Skriven 2005-02-05 08:58:28 av Greg Sears (1:153/307)
Ärende: Bone
============
. o _ From the Desk of Greg Sears AREA: F-UNNY
. Q\_|_) --=[ I C E-man's FUNNY BONE Collection Book for ALL ]=--
. T> III Page: 24
Engineer Identification Test
Engineering is so trendy these days that everybody wants to be one.
The word "engineer" is greatly overused. If there's somebody in your
life who you think is trying to pass as an engineer, give him this test
to discern the truth.
o
You walk into a room and notice that a picture ____/_\____
is hanging crooked. You... |`---------`|
|| A___ ||
A. Straighten it. || /^\##\ ||
B. Ignore it. || |LI__| ||
C. Buy a CAD system and spend the next six jgs |.---------.|
months designing a solar-powered, self- `"""""""""""`
adjusting picture frame while often stating
aloud your belief that the inventor of the nail was a total moron.
The correct answer is "C" but partial credit can be given to anybody
who writes "It depends" in the margin of the test or simply blames the
whole stupid thing on "Marketing."
SOCIAL SKILLS
Engineers have different objectives when it comes to social interac-
tion. "Normal" people expect to accomplish several unrealistic things
from social interaction:
* Stimulating and thought-provoking conversation
* Important social contacts
* A feeling of connectedness with other humans
In contrast to "normal" people, engineers have rational objectives for
social interactions:
* Get it over with as soon as possible.
* Avoid getting invited to something unpleasant.
* Demonstrate mental superiority and mastery of all subjects.
FASCINATION WITH GADGETS
To the engineer, all matter in the universe can be placed into one of
two categories:
(1) things that need to be fixed, and...
(2) things that will need to be fixed after you've
had a few minutes to play with them. .--.
.-========-.
Engineers like to solve problems. If there are no | === [__] |
problems handily available, they will create their | [__][__] |
own problems. Normal people don't understand this | o ==== |
concept; they believe that if it ain't broke, don't | LILILILI |
fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, | LILILILI |
it doesn't have enough features yet. | LILILILI |
| LILILILI |
No engineer looks at a television remote control | __ __ |
without wondering what it would take to turn it into | [__][__] |
a stun gun. No engineer can take a shower without | [__][][] |
wondering if some sort of Teflon coating would make | [__] == |
showering unnecessary. To the engineer, the world is | OOO |
a toy box full of suboptimized and feature-poor toys. '-========-'
_
( | FASHION AND APPEARANCE
|
__,--./|.--,__ Clothes are the lowest priority
.` \ \ / / `. for an engineer, assuming the
.` \ | / `. basic thresholds for temperature
/ / ^|^ \ \ and decency have been satisfied.
/ / | |o | \ \
/===/ | | | \===\ If no appendages are freezing or
/___/ | |o | \___\ sticking together, and if no
| | | genitalia or mammary glands are
| |o | swinging around in plain view,
| | | then the objective of clothing
| |o | has been met. Anything else is
| | | a waste.
| |o | jgs
|_____/\_____| (\/)
\/ (\/)
DATING AND SOCIAL LIFE /))))))))) \/
//) __ __\ ,%%%%%%%%%,
Dating is never easy for engineers. C==/_o|^|o_\ ,%%%%%%%%%%%%,
A normal person will employ various | _\ ) %/_ _%%%%%%%
indirect and duplicitous methods to \ '---'/ /_o|^|o_\=?%%%
create a false impression of attrac- _/`-. __.'_ ( /_ @%%,
tiveness. Engineers are incapable \ \'====' /%%%
of placing appearance above function. jgs _'-----' \%%%"
Fortunately, engineers have an ace / `
in the hole. They are widely recognized as superior
marriage material: intelligent, dependable, employed, honest, and handy
around the house. While it's true that many normal people would prefer
not to date an engineer, most normal people harbor an intense desire to
mate with them, thus producing engineer-like children who will have
high-paying jobs long before losing their virginity.
Male engineers reach their peak of sexual attractiveness later than
normal men, becoming irresistible erotic dynamos in their mid thirties
to late forties. Just look at these examples of sexually irresistible
men in technical professions:
* Bill Gates.
* MacGyver.
* Etcetera.
Female engineers become irresistible at the age of consent and remain
that way until about thirty minutes after their clinical death. Longer
if it's a warm day.
HONESTY
Engineers are always honest in matters of technology and human rela-
tionships. That's why it's a good idea to keep engineers away from
customers, romantic interests, and other people who can't handle the
truth.
Engineers sometimes bend the truth to avoid work. They say things that
sound like lies but technically are not because nobody could be expect-
ed to believe them. The complete list of engineer lies is listed below.
"I won't change anything without asking you first."
"I'll return your hard-to-find cable tomorrow."
"I have to have new equipment to do my job."
"I'm not jealous of your new computer."
.-----------------.
FRUGALITY |$100 ~~~~~~~ $100|
| S o (0) o S |
Engineers are notoriously frugal. This is |$100 _==^==_ $100|
not because of cheapness or mean spirit; it `-----------------'
is simply because every spending situation
is simply a problem in optimization, that is, "How can I escape this
situation while retaining the greatest amount of cash?"
POWERS OF CONCENTRATION
_.---,._,'
/' _.--.< If there is one trait that can
/' `' best defines an engineer it is the ability
/' _.---._____ to concentrate on one subject to the complete
\.' ___, .-'` exclusion of everything else in the environment.
/' \\ . This sometimes causes engineers to be pronounc-
/' `-. -|- ed dead prematurely. Some funeral homes in
| | high-tech areas have started checking resumes
| .-'~~~`-. before processing the bodies. Anybody
| .' `. with a degree in electrical engineering
| | R I P | or experience in computer programming is
| | | propped up in the lounge for a few days
| | | just to see if he or she snaps out of it.
\ \\| |//
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
RISK
Engineers hate risk. They try to eliminate it whenever they can. This
is understandable, given that when an engineer makes one little mistake
the media will treat it like it's a big deal or something.
EXAMPLES OF BAD PRESS FOR ENGINEERS
* Hindenberg. _..--=--..._
* Space Shuttle Challenger. .-' '-. .-.
* Hubble space telescope. /.' '.\/ /
* Apollo 13. |=- -=| (
* Titanic. \'. .'/\ \
* Ford Pinto. '-.,_____ _____.-' '-'
* Corvair. jgs [_____]=8
The risk/reward calculation for engineers looks something like this:
RISK: Public humiliation and the death of thousands of innocent
people.
REWARD: A certificate of appreciation in a handsome plastic frame.
Being practical people, engineers evaluate this balance of risks and
rewards and decide that risk is not a good thing. The best way to
avoid risk is by advising that any activity is technically impossible
for reasons that are far too complicated to explain.
If that approach is not sufficient to halt the project, then the engi-
neer will fall back to a second line of defense: "It's technically
possible but it will cost too much."
EGO
Ego-wise, two things are important to engineers:
* How smart they are.
* How many cool devices they own.
The fastest way to get an engineer to solve a problem is to declare
that the problem is unsolvable. No engineer can walk away from an
unsolvable problem until it's solved. No illness or distraction is
sufficient to get the engineer off the case. These types of challeng-
es quickly become personal -- a battle between the engineer and the
laws of nature.
Engineers will go without food and hygiene for days to solve a prob-
lem. (Other times just because they forgot.) And when they succeed
in solving the problem they will experience an ego rush that is better
than sex -- and I'm including the kind of sex where other people are
involved.
Nothing is more threatening to the engineer than the suggestion that
somebody has more technical skill. Normal people sometimes use that
knowledge as a lever to extract more work from the engineer. When an
engineer says that something can't be done (a code phrase that means
it's not fun to do), some clever normal people have learned to glance
at the engineer with a look of compassion and pity and say something
along these lines: "I'll ask Bob to figure it out. He knows how to
solve difficult technical problems."
, /-. At that point it is a good idea for the normal
((___/ __> person to not stand between the engineer and
/ } the problem. The engineer will set upon the
\ .--.( ___ problem like a starved Chihuahua on a pork
jgs \\ \\ (o__) chop.
_ _
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