Text 1932, 135 rader
Skriven 2005-05-03 07:55:58 av Greg Sears (1:153/307)
Ärende: Bone
============
.  o  _   From the Desk of Greg Sears AREA: F-UNNY
. Q\_|_)   --=[ I C E-man's FUNNY BONE Collection Book for ALL ]=--
. T> III                     Page: 03

                  A Guide To Love And Sex For Virgins


  Q: Where can I find the man of my dreams?

  A: This is a difficult question, since every virgin probably has a
  different ideal of what their own personal Prince Charming should act
  and look like.  However, when it comes to finding Mr Right, I can give
  you a good suggestion on where to start - and that's in a bar.

  That's right, go to a bar...    .======================================.
  preferably the kind that        | ___ ___ ___               _   _   _  |
  smells of stale beer and        | \_/ \_/ \_/ C|||C|||C||| |-| |-| |-| |
  lots of men crowded around      | _|_ _|_ _|_  ||| ||| ||| |_| |_| |_| |
  watching a sports event on      '======================================'
  television.  Pick a man that                                        jgs
  looks interesting - it's best        .:.
  to stay away from the shallow       C|||'
  "pretty boys" in designer         ___|||______________________________
  clothes with bulging muscles.    [____________________________________]
  Instead, I recommend you pick     |   ____    ____    ____    ____   |
  somebody a little older and       |  (____)  (____)  (____)  (____)  |
  wiser, possibly reassuring pot    |  |    |  |    |  |    |  |    |  |
  belly.  Boldly approach him,      |  |    |  |    |  |    |  |    |  |
  offer to buy him a few beers,     |  |    |  |    |  |    |  |    |  |
  then invite him back to your      |  |____|  |____|  |____|  |____|  |
  place.  He'll advise you from     |  I====I  I====I  I====I  I====I  |
  there.                            |  |    |  |    |  |    |  |    |  |

  Q: How do I know if I found Mr Right?

  A: Unfortunately, there's no sure way to tell.  Therefore, I suggest
  you try out many different kinds of men and many different kinds of
  bars.

  Q: Do men like aggressive virgins?

  A: Definitely.  Although they don't admit it, men are often shy - so
  it's up to you to be bold.  In addition to bars, don't be afraid to
  approach men on street corners, in restaurants, even in restrooms.
  Break the ice with simple "hello", followed by an offer to buy them
  dinner, drinks - even an expensive gift. Then invite them to back to
  your place.

  Q: What if a man's married?

  A: Go for it.  This is a great opportunity to enjoy the valuable exper-
  ience a married man possesses, without being tied down by any sort of
  commitment.

   .@@@@@.   .@@@@@.   Q: But what if I fall in love with a married man?
   @@@@@@@:.:@@@@@@@
   @@@@:':@@@:':@@@@   A: This is a tough one, especially if you're a
   '@@@:  '@'  :@@@'   woman and find yourself pregnant.  Ask him how he
    '@@@.  '  .@@@'    feels about his wife and family.  If he says his
     '@@@.   .@@@'     wife doesn't understand him and he's thinking of
      '@@@. .@@@'      leaving her, believe him and continue your rela-
        "@@.@@"        tionship, secure in the knowledge that he'll soon
   jgs   "@@@"         make good his promise.  Married men rarely lie
          '@'          about such important matters.

  Q: How do I know if I'm ready for sex?

  A: Ask your boyfriend.  He'll know when the time is right.  When it
  comes to love and sex, experienced men are much more responsible, since
  they're not confused emotionally as virgins.  It's a proven fact.

  Q: Should I have sex on the first date?

  A: YES.  Before if possible.

  Q: What exactly happens during the act of sex?

  A: Again, this is entirely up to the man.  The important thing to re-
  member is that you must do whatever he tells you without question.
  Sometimes, however, he may ask you to do certain things that may at
  first seem strange to you.  Do them anyway.
                                                                 /`
  Q: How long should the sex act last?                          /
                                                              ((O
  A: This is a natural and normal part of nature, so            \
  don't feel ashamed or embarrassed.  After your man            /\
  has finished making love, he'll have a natural de-           / / o
  sire to leave you suddenly, and go out with his        ^jgs^^^^^^^^^^^
  friends to play golf.  Or perhaps another activity,
  such as going out with his friends to the bar for the purpose of con-
  suming large amounts of alcohol and sharing a few personal thoughts
  with his buddies.  Don't feel left out - while he's gone you can busy
  yourself by doing his laundry, cleaning his apartment, or perhaps even
  going out to buy him an expensive gift.  He'll come back when he's
  ready.

  Q: What is afterplay?    A: After a man has finished making love, he
                           needs to replenish his manly energy.  After-
                           play is simply a list of important activities
                    )      for you to do after the lovemaking.  This in-
                   (       cludes lighting his cigarette, making him a
       _ ___________ )     sandwich or pizza, bringing him a few beers,
      [_[___________#      or leaving him alone to sleep while you go out
                           and buy him an expensive gift.

  Q: Does the size of the penis matter?

  A: Yes.  Although many virgins believe that quality, not quantity, is
  important, studies show this is simply not true.  The average erect male
  penis measures about six centimeters.  Anything longer than that is
  extremely rare and, if by some chance your lover's sexual organ is seven
  centimeters or over, you should go down on your knees and thank your
  lucky stars and do everything possible to please him, such as doing his
  laundry, cleaning his apartment and buying him an expensive gift.

  Q: What about the orgasm?

  A: What about it?  There's no such thing.  It's a myth.
             _   _
            ((\o/))          Q: Are you sure?
       .-----//^\\-----.
       |    /`| |`\    |     A: Will you stop asking so many questions?
       |      | |      |     Do you distrust experienced men or some-
       |      | |      |     thing?  Instead, prove how much you care
       |      | |      |     for your boyfriend by going out and buying
   jgs '------===------'     him an expensive gift.

         _                                                 _
        (_'------Suggest The Funny Bone To A Friend-------'_)
        (_.===============================================._)

 

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