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Text 3168, 353 rader
Skriven 2005-12-04 02:38:04 av Greg Sears (3:633/104)
Ärende: Merry X-mas
===================
                      'Twas the Month before Christmas,
                              and in Framingham,
                          I was following Tradition,
                           with my blue pen in hand ...

  A long time ago, in a Galaxy far, far away,  I was chartered to
provide the musical entertainment at the office Christmas party.  So I
penned a few rewrites on some  old  songs and A Tradition was born.
Published separately are the best  from years past.  And now I humbly
publish and present ...

       CHRISTMAS 1988 - The Next Generation Begins
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Earlier this year I published "Surf Yuppie" (ttto "Surf City"),
so it is only fitting that I start the festivities with ...

"Surf Christmas" - by D M Goldstein, 1988
(to the tune of "White Christmas")

I'm dreaming of a Surf Christmas,
just like the ones from days gone by;
Where the wave tops glisten, and surfers listen,
to hear breakers twelve feet high.

I'm dreaming of a Surf Christmas,
to every Surf Dude I confide,
Keep your board well waxed, and you'll fly,
and "I gotta take that one last ride."
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
"The Homeless Song (Reaganomics)" - by D M Goldstein, 1988
(to the tune of "The Christmas Song (Chestnuts)")

Homeless sitting by an open fire,
Frost-bite eating at their toes;
Yuletide carols being sung by a choir,
drive the kids to Overdose.
(Everybody knows,) George Bush is our new President,
and you know that isn't right;
Democrats, with fear in their eyes,
will find it hard to sleep tonight.

They know that Reagan's had his way,
he spent lots of dough, and bought lots of arms in his day;
And every Mother's child has cause to fear,
'Cause Republicans have four more years.

And, So, I'm offering this simple phrase,
for men eighteen to thirty-three,
although it's been said that there won't be a draft,
get out of here; get out of here; find another Country.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
I always like to include something dealing with Computer Games:
(with thanks to Tiny Tim and the Orange Elves ...)

"The 12 Levels of Rogue" - by D M Goldstein, 1988
(to the tune of "The 12 Days of Christmas")

On the first level of Rogue I killed a Dwarf, a bat,
and a Kobold who almost killed me!

On the 2nd level of Rogue I found a Shimmering Pool!
I dipped my Broad Sword,
'cause a Kobold had nearly killed me!

On the 3rd level of Rogue I read a Scroll of Sleep.
I slept for three turns
with my plus-two Broad Sword
'cause a Kobold had nearly killed me!

On the 4th level of Rogue I found a Staff of Wood.
Four shots of Drain Life!
Sleeping for three turns, a plus-two Broad Sword,
and a Kobold who almost killed me!

On the 5th level of Rogue I got really lucky:
Five Magic Rings!
Four shots of Drain Life, Sleep three turns,
a plus-two Broad Sword,
and a Kobold who almost killed me!

On the 6th level of Rogue a Shrieker called to me
Six elves with Cross-Bows!
Five Magic Rings!  Four shots of Drain Life,
sleep three turns, a plus-two Broad Sword,
and a Kobold who almost killed me!

On the 7th level of Rogue I killed a Troglodyte;
Seven Excellent Hits!
Six elves with Cross-Bows, Five Magic Rings! ...

On the 8th level of Rogue I found a Magic Room
with Eight Monsters Waiting!  Seven Excellent hits, ...

On the 9th level of Rogue a Rust Monster found me,
brought my armor to Nine!  Eight Monsters Waiting, ...

On the 10th level of Rogue I quaffed a red potion,
Experience Level Ten!  Level Nine armor, ...

On the 11th level of Rogue I took Inventory:
Eleven Rations of Food,  Experience Level Ten, ...

On the 12th level of Rogue I fell into a Trap:
Got Killed on level Thirty with
Eleven rations of food, ...
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
And for those of you who find "The Season" much too hectic ...

"I'll be Cloned for Christmas" - by D M Goldstein, 1988
(to the tune of "I'll be Home for Christmas")

I'll be Cloned for Christmas,
there'll be three of me;
One to Work, and One to Shop,
and One just for Partys.

Christmas Eve, I'm certain,
I won't be alone;
I'll be home for Christmas,
or else I'll send a Clone!
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Every now and then someone else beats me to an idea ...

"Wreck the Malls" - Bob Rivers' Twisted Christmas
(to the tune of "Deck the Halls")

Wreck the Malls this Christmas Seasons
Fa-la-la-la-la, La-la-la-la;
You don't need to have a reason
Fa-la-la-la-la, La-la-la-la;
Tamper with their P A System
Fa-la-la, La-la-la, La-la-la;
something something something something
Fa-la-la-la-la, La-la-la-la.

(I'll finish transcribing as soon as I get my stuff out of storage ...)
 ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Other titles under consideration:
 "Have Yourself a Merry Little Merger"
 "God Rest Ye, Merry Pentagon"
 "George Bush is Coming to Town"
 "The Bells of Dagoba" (for you Star Wars fans)
and, "Knocking on Neighbors' Doors" (the Caroling Song)
(ttto Knocking on Heaven's Door)
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
/* ------ "Christmas Songs 1983-1987" ------ */
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Everybody in America,  regardless of religious preference, has some sort
of annual "Christmas tradition", be it going to the family homestead for
Christmas Dinner,  or going to the Mountains to talk to Alla whilst
skiing ...   I have a favorite annual tradition, too, and this is it ...
- DMG
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
  The  following is an excerpt from THE ALASKA DAILY NEWS ...
  Gnome, Alaska:   Authorities today arrested a  man impersonating  the
fictitious  Santa  Claus.  "He was apprehended  after  several
witnesses saw him leaving  various  houses  carrying a large  bag of
goods  during the  holiday  season,"  authorities said.   Santa  is
being held on multiple counts of trespassing,  breaking  and  entering,
burglary, emotional  harassment, disturbing the peace,  and for having
wild animals in a suburban neighborhood.

  Defense attorney Jack Frost states, "Have yourself a merry little
Christmas."   Defendant is expected to plead Mental Incapacity ...
 ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
"Mr Santa Claus" - by D M Goldstein, 1987
(to the tune of "Mr Bojangles")

I met a man named Santa, and he'd pose with you,
In a red suit.
Silver hair, a red jacket, a long white beard,
and big black boots.
He'd fly so high, oh, he'd fly so high,
and then he'd "Ho ho ho!"

I met him in a Sears in Alaska, he was
down and out.
He looked to me to be the eyes of age,
as he spoke right out.
He talked of elves, yeah, he talked of elves,
smiled, "Ho ho ho"'ed and stepped.

(Chorus:)
Mr Santa Claus. Mr Santa Claus. Mr Santa Claus. "Nick."

He made toys for the girls and boys at County Fairs,
throughout the South,
He spoke in tears of eight reindeer, how they and him
just flew about.
Now they've all retired, oh, they've all retired,
They stay home Christmas Eve.

He said "They'd prance at every chance when they would land
on roofs like planes,
But most 'the time they'd sit around pole and play
Those reindeer games."
He shook his head, and as he shook his head
I thought I heard a "Ho ho ho!"

(repeat Chorus and end.)
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
I was going to have Dad take off with an elf, but ...

"I Saw Daddy ..." - by D M Goldstein, 1987
(to the tune of "I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus")

I saw Daddy kissing Santa Claus
when we Christmas shopped last night.
They didn't see me creep
into the John to take a leak,
they thought that they were all alone
and so a kiss they sneaked. (oh,)
I saw Daddy tickle Santa Claus
underneath his suit of red and white.
What a laugh it would have been
if Mom had only seen
Daddy kissing Santa Claus last night!
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
My least favorite  Christmas song of all time has got to be "Rudolph the
Red-Nosed Reindeer".  It's a story about how society rejected a freak
until,  overnight, he became famous.  Then, all of a sudden, he's Mister
Popularity.   Pshaw!   This is not the kind of lesson we should be
teaching our children!  So, in my humble manner, I offer you a song with
a better lesson ...

"Rudolph Revisited" - by D M Goldstein, 1986
(to the tune of "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer")

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer
had a very shiny nose.
Let me tell you a secret;
it's from a drug overdose!
All of the other Reindeer
used to laugh and call him names.
That is what drove poor Rudolph
to escape into Cocaine.

Then one foggy Christmas Eve
Santa came to say,
"Rudolph, we know what you've done."
The police came and took him away.

Now all the Reindeer are straight;
they've given up PCP,
quaaludes, and marijuana,
and flying high on LSD.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
(Optional tag, to the tune of NOEL ...)
 No L, No L, No L, No L.
None of the Reindeer do LSD.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
"Santa Claus" - by D M Goldstein 1985
(to the tune of "Rocket Man")

I packed my bags last night for flight;
Zero hour, one a.m.;
And I'm gonna be high in my sleigh by then.

I miss the Pole so much, I miss my wife;
It's lonely out in space
On such a famous flight.

(Chorus:)
And I think it's gonna be a long, long time
before you get your gifts; you've yet to find
I'm not the man you think I am at all,
oh no, no, no; because I'm Santa Claus.
Santa Claus, flying with my reindeer 'cross the sky.

The Pole ain't the kind of place to raise your kids;
In fact, it's cold as hell;
But there's elves to baby-sit them if you did.

And all these 'Go-bots' I don't understand;
It's just my job one day a year.
Santa Claus, I'm Santa Claus.

(repeat Chorus and end.)
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
"Donde Esta Papa" - by D M Goldstein 1984
(to the tune of "Feliz Navidad")

Police got my Dad, Police got my Dad,
Police got my Dad and now he's rotting in County Jail.
Police got my Dad, Police got my Dad,
And they'll deport him if my mother can't make his bail.

(Chorus:)
I want to wish you a Merry Christmas,
I want to wish you a Merry Christmas,
I want to wish you a Merry Christmas from the bottom of my cell.
(repeat.)

(alternate first verse:)
Donde esta Papa? Donde esta Papa?
Donde esta Papa? Papa no esta aqui.
(repeat.)
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Ah, the quintessential Christmas gift for young minds: The
Computer!  And what's better to do with it but PLAY GAMES!

"Computer Wonderland" - by D M Goldstein 1983
(to the tune of "Winter Wonderland")

Axes swing, are you listenin'?
Gold and jewels, how they glisten.
A beautiful sight, ADVENTURE at night,
playing in Computer Wonderland.

(Bridge:)
In the KINGDOM we can feed the peasants,
or plot our BIORHYTHM for a year;
Save the universe from Cylons playing STARTREK,
or even try BACKGAMMON if you dare.

Later on, we'll play WUMPUS;
Zing those bats when they thump us.
OTHELLO's just fine, I win every time,
playing in Computer Wonderland.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
 and from "Have a Jewish Christmas" (NOT by D M Goldstein)
(to the tune of "Jingle Bells")

The lights are being strung, The streets are full of cheer,
The stockings have been hung, Christmas Time is here.
Its joyous revelry and spirit capture you;
"At Christmas Time it's hard to be a good religious Jew." ("Oy")

(Chorus:)
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle night and day.
It's "Yo-ho-ho" and mistletoe and Santa's on his way.
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, If Santa Claus is true,
his joy is fun for everyone, but what's a Jew to do?

He goes to synagogue, it doesn't matter which,
He's Jewish and he's very proud, "I'd rather fight than switch."
When Christmas Time is here, he wishes it would pass,
"Last Sunday morning I got up and almost went to mass!" ("Oy")

(repeat Chorus and end.)


        -=-                          -=-
     (\  _  /)                    (\  _  /)
     ( \( )/ )     I C E-man      ( \( )/ )
     (       )    Wishes You      (       )
      `>   <'  Seasons Greetings   `>   <'
      /     \    09 December 05    /     \
      `-._.-'                      `-._.-'
 

--- EzyBlueWave V2.01b006 00F90257
 * Origin: Afraid of the competition? We ARE the Competition! (3:633/104)