Text 3183, 139 rader
Skriven 2005-12-04 23:10:26 av Greg Sears (3:633/104)
     Kommentar till en text av George Pope
Ärende: Re: Football Sex
========================
                -=> George Pope wrote to all <=-

 GP> FOOTBALL MOVES IN SEX

Top 10 things that sound dirty on Christmas, but aren't....

10. Did you get any under the tree?
9.  I think your balls are hanging too low.
8.  Check out Rudolph's honker!
7.  Santa's sack is really bulging.
6.  Lift up the skirt so I can get a clean breath.
5.  Did you get a piece of the fruitcake?
4.  I love licking the end till it's really sharp and pointy.
3.  From here you can't tell if they're artificial or real.
2.  Can I interest you in some dark meat?
1.  To get it to stand up straight, try propping it against the wall.


> OBX-mas for our Moderator and all-round friend/servant

  Corporate Restructuring at the North Pole

   The recent announcement that Donner and Blitzen have elected to take
the early reindeer retirement package has triggered a good deal of
concern about whether they will be replaced, and about other
restructuring at the North Pole. Streamlining was appropriate in view
of the reality that the North Pole no longer dominates the season's
gift distribution business. Home shopping channels and mail order
catalogues have diminished Santa's market share and they could not sit
idly by and permit further erosion of the profit picture. The reindeer
downsizing was made possible through the purchase of a late model
Japanese sled for the CEO's annual trip. Improved productivity from
Dasher and Dancer, who summered at the Harvard Business School, is
anticipated and should take up the slack with no discernible loss of
service. Reduction in reindeer will also lessen airborne environmental
emissions for which the North Pole has been cited.

   I am pleased to inform you and that Rudolph's role will not be
disturbed. Tradition still counts for something at the North Pole.
Management denies, in the strongest possible language, the earlier
leak that Rudolph's nose got that way, not from the cold, but from
substance abuse. Calling Rudolph "a lush who was into the sauce and
never did pull his share of the load" was an unfortunate comment, made
by one of Santa's helpers and taken out of context at a time of year
when he is known to be under Executive stress.

   As a further restructuring, today's global challenges require the
North Pole to continue to look for better, more competitive steps.
Effective immediately, the following economy measures are to take
place in the "Twelve Days of Christmas" subsidiary:
  * The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree never turned out
    to be the cash crop forecasted. It will be replaced by a plastic
    hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance.
  * The two turtle doves represent a redundance that is simple but not
    cost effective. In addition, their romance during working hours
    could not be condoned. The positions are therefore eliminated.
  * The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone
    loves the French.
  * The four calling birds were replaced by an automated voice mail
    system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to
    determine who the birds have been calling, how often, and how long
    they talked.
  * The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of
    Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could
    have negative implications for institutional investors.
    Diversification into other precious metals as well as a mix of
    T-Bills and high technology stocks appears to be in order.
  * The six geese a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be
    afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one
    egg per goose per day is an example of the decline in
    productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the
    selection procedures by personnel will assure management that from
    now on every goose it gets will be a good one.
  * The seven swans a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better
    times. The function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are
    on order. The current swans will be retained to learn some new
    strokes and therefore enhance their outplacement.
  * As you know, the eight maids a-milking concept has been under
    heavy scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce
    is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end
    job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit
    the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring, or a-mulching.
  * The lords a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of lords plus the
    expense of international air travel prompted the Compensation
    Committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work
    congressmen. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the
    savings are significant because we expect an oversupply of
    unemployed congressmen this year.
  * Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case
    of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet,
    a cutback on new music, and no uniforms, will produce savings
    which will drop the bottom line.

   We can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl
animals, and other expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that
stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop
ship in one day, service will be improved.

   Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney's association seeking
expansion to include the legal profession ("thirteen lawyers suing"):
Action is pending.

   Lastly, it is not beyond consideration that deeper cuts may be
necessary in the future to stay competitive. Should this happen, the
Board will request management to scrutinize the Snow White Division to
see if seven dwarfs is the right number.


> OBX-mas for Mr. <+]::-) ("Cyberpope")

The sounds of Christmas:  Honking horns.

Claustrophobia:  Fear of Santa.

What do Eskimos buy at Christmas time?
        Christmas seals.

No one in the history of the world has ever purchased a
fruitcake for themselves.

Believe it or not, there are still some people who believe in
Santa Claus.  Scientists call them Democrats.

What nationality is Santa Claus?
        North Polish!



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