Text 3196, 193 rader
Skriven 2005-12-05 00:25:34 av Greg Sears (3:633/104)
     Kommentar till en text av George Pope
Ärende: Re: The Smelly Cunt
===========================
             -=> George Pope wrote to all <=-

 GP> A woman goes to her doctor complaining that she has a smelly cunt.

New "Twelve Days of Christmas" Policy

Effective immediately, the following economizing measures are being
implemented in the "Twelve Days of Christmas" subsidiary:

   1) The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree, which never
produced the cash crop forecasted, will be replaced by a plastic hanging
plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance;

   2) Two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost
effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be
condoned. The positions are, therefore, eliminated;

   3) The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves
the French;

   4) The four calling birds will be replaced by an automated voice mail
system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine
who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked;

   5) The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of
Directors.  Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have
negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into
other precious metals, as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology
stocks, appear to be in order;

   6) The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be
afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per
goose per day was an example of the general decline in productivity. Three
geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by
personnel will assure management that, from now on, every goose it gets
will be a good one;

   7) The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better
times.  The function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on
order.  The current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes,
thereby enhancing their outplacement;

   8) As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy
scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce is being
sought.  The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no
upward mobility.  Automation of the process may permit the maids to try
a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching;

   9) Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function
will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do
the steps;

   10) Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords, plus the
expense of international air travel, prompted the Compensation Committee
to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work congressmen. While
leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant as
we expect an oversupply of unemployed congressmen this year;

   11) Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case
of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a
cutback on new music, and no uniforms, will produce savings which will
drop right to the bottom line;

Overall we can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl,
animals and related expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that
stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop ship
in one day, service levels will be improved.

Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney's association seeking
expansion to include the legal profession ("thirteen lawyers-a-suing"), a
decision is pending.

Deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to remain competitive. Should
that happen, the Board will request management to scrutinize the Snow
White Division to see if seven dwarfs is the right number.


> OBX-mas for our Moderator and all-round friend/servant

A CAT'S CHRISTMAS

       'Twas the night before Christmas
           and all through the house
          Not a creature was stirring,
              not even a mouse.

        'Cuz the cat had pounced on him
             and tore him apart-
           Ate his mousey intestines
           And chewed up his heart.

       Kitty thought he heard sleighbells,
           which made him take pause-
          He stopped daintily licking
           the blood from his claws.

          "Must be Santa" thought Kitty
             (that quite clever cat)
           'Cuz nobody else climbs down
              the chimney like that.

            Indeed it was ol' Santa,
                so jolly and fat
             With a load of presents
               and all for the cat!

        "Wow, the best Christmas ever!"
           Kitty thought with a purr,
           Then he coughed up a hairball
             and shed some more fur.


> OBX-mas for Mr. <+]::-) ("Cyberpope")

'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, except Papa's mouse.
The computer was humming, the icons were hopping,
As Papa did last-minute Internet shopping.

The stockings were hung by the modem with care
In hope that St. Nicholas would bring new software.
The children were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of computer games danced in their heads.

PageMaker for Billy, and Quicken for Dan,
And Carmen Sandiego for Pamela Ann.
The letters to Santa had been sent out by Mom,
To santaclaus@toyshop.northpole.com -

Which has now been re-routed to Washington State
Because Santa's workshop has been bought by Bill Gates.
All the elves and reindeer have had to skedaddle
To flashy new quarters in suburban Seattle.

After centuries of a life that was simple and spare,
St. Nicholas is suddenly a new billionaire,
With a shiny red Porsche in the place of his sleigh,
And a house on Lake Washington that's just down the way

>From where Bill has his mansion. The old fellow preens
In black Gucci boots and red Calvin Klein jeans.
The elves have stock options and desks with a view,
Where they write computer code for Johnny and Sue.

No more dolls or toy soldiers or little toy drums (ahem - pardon me)
No more dolls or tin soldiers or little toy drums
Will be under the tree, only compact disk ROMS
With the Microsoft label. So spin up your drive,
From now on Christmas runs only on Win95.

More rapid than eagles the competitors came,
And Bill whistled, and shouted, and called them by name.
"Now, ADOBE! now, CLARIS! now, INTUIT! too,
Now, APPLE! and NETSCAPE! you are all of you through,

It is Microsoft's SANTA that the kids can't resist,
It's the ultimate software with a traditional twist -
Recommended by no less than the jolly old elf,
And on the package, a picture of Santa himself.

Get 'em young, keep 'em long, is Microsoft's scheme,
And a merger with Santa is a marketer's dream.
To the top of the NASDAQ! to the top of the Dow!
Now dash away! dash away! dash away - wow!"

And Mama in her 'kerchief and I in my cap,
Had just settled down for a long winter's nap,
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
The whir and the hum of our satellite platter,
As it turned toward that new Christmas star in the sky,
The SANTALITE owned by the Microsoft guy.
As I sprang from my bed and was turning around,
My computer turned on with a Jingle-Bells sound.

And there on the screen was a smiling Bill Gates
Next to jolly old Santa, two arm-in-arm mates.
And I heard them exclaim in voice so bright,
Have a MICROSOFT CHRISTMAS, and TO ALL A GOOD NIGHT.




        -=-                          -=-
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      /     \    09 December 05    /     \
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 * Origin: Afraid of the competition? We ARE the Competition! (3:633/104)