Text 3717, 175 rader
Skriven 2006-03-26 00:32:58 av Greg Sears (3:633/104)
     Kommentar till en text av George Pope
Ärende: Re: Time to Marry?
==========================
        George Pope was saying F unny stuff to  ALL  


 GP>          25 Snappy Comebacks to the age old question
   >                 "Why aren't you married yet?"

Then there was the.........

      Top 10 Off-Season Sports on ESPN
       June 25, 1987

 10) Uninflated Basketball
  9) Fat Guy Hacky-sack
  8) No-Hands Auto Racing
  7) Shirts-and-Skins Speed-Typing
  6) Amish Rake Fights
  5) Miniature Horseshoes
  4) Dropping Cows from Planes
  3) Padded Suit Lumber Swat
  2) Oprah Tipping
  1) Dog Hockey


Then there was the.........

     Top 10 New Advertising Slogans for Delta Airlines
       July 16, 1987

 10) Delta:  We're Amtrack with Wings.
  9) Delta:  Join Our Frequent Near-miss Program.
  8) Delta:  Ask About Our Out-of-court Settlements.
  7) Noisy Engines?  We'll Turn 'em Off!
  6) Delta:  Complimentary Champagne in Free-fall.
  5) Enjoy the In-flight Movie on the Plane Next to You.
  4) Delta:  The Kids Will Love Our Inflatable Slides.
  3) Delta:  You Think It's So Easy, Get Your Own Damn Plane!
  2) Delta:  Our Pilots are Terminally Ill and Have Nothing to Lose.
  1) Delta:  We Might Be Landing On Your Street!

 And 5 more just for the heck of it...

  5) Delta:  Terrorists are Afraid to Fly with Us.
  4) Delta:  Bring a Bathing Suit.
  3) Delta:  So That's What Those Buttons Do!
  2) Delta:  A Real Man Lands Where He Wants To.
  1) Delta:  We Never Make the Same Mistake Three Times


Then there was the.........

    Top 10 Reasons Sylvester Stallone & Brigitte Nielsen Are Separating
       July 17, 1987

 10) She Never Put the Cap on the Body Oil.
  9) She Kept Confusing "Rocky II" and "Rocky III".
  8) The Closest He Could Get to Saying Her Name Was "Buh-juh".
  7) She Couldn't Get the Hang of Making Nestles Quik.
  6) Her Ceaseless Cello Practicing Made It Difficult for Him to Work on
     His New Translation of Flaubert.
  5) Wrestling Pit Bulls Not an Adequate Form of Foreplay.
  4) She Got Tired of His Tirades About the "No-talent" Arnold
     Schwarzenegger.
  3) She Saw "Rhinestone".
  2) She Got Tired of Explaining How the Paperweight Worked.
  1) Fights During Scrabble Games Over Whether "Yo" is Real Word.


Then there was the.........

    Peter Holm's Top 10 Grievances Against Joan Collins
       July 22, 1987

 10) Waiting Area Outside Bedroom Had Old Magazines
  9) She Made Him Empty Makeup Buckets to Earn $20,000 Weekly Allowance
  8) Other Pets Have Their Names on Water Dishes
  7) Annoyed By Reminiscences About President Van Buren's Sexual Prowess
  6) Couldn't Break Her Habit Of Hollering "Next!"
  5) Wouldn't Support His Campaign for Presidency of "Weaselly Gigolo
     Club"
  4) Never Invited to Annual "Night of 100 Paperboys"
  3) Freak Electrical Storm Caused Bedroom Lights to Go on During Night
  2) Somebody Finally Told Him What "Parasite" Means
  1) Tired of Passing Motorists Honking and Yelling "I Had Her!"


Then there was the.........

     Top 10 Dear Abby Letter Signatures
       July 23, 1987

 10) Bewildered in Baltimore
  9) Can't Sit Down in San Pedro
  8) Female, Bearded and Happy
  7) Bitter-Soon-to-be-Divorced-Former-Swedish-Rock-Star
  6) In Prison and Loving It
  5) Naked in James Garner's Garage
  4) A Cleveland Baseball Team
  3) Bryant Gumbel
  2) Mr.  Pelican Pants
  1) 'Whipped in the White House


Then there was the.........

      Top 10 Other Things George Schultz is Mad About
       July 24, 1987

 10) Nude Photos of Mrs.  Schultz Found in Ollie North's Wallet
  9) Afternoon Hearings Force Him to Miss "His Stories"
  8) Nobody Writes About His Obsession with Jody Foster
  7) No One in Washington Wants to Get a "George Schultz" Haircut
  6) Doesn't Get Half the Skirt Kissinger Did
  5) His Video is no Longer in Heavy Rotation on MTV
  4) "George Schultz Potato Puppets" not Selling Very Well
  3) Hogan's Men Always Cutting Through Barbed Wire*
  2) Always Gets Barbara Bush's Keys at White House Swap Nights
  1) His Secretary Looks More Like Monty Hall

 * Sorry, that's Sgt.  Schultz


Then there was the.........

   Top 10 Things Overheard at Billy Joel's Moscow Concert
       July 29, 1987

 10) Concert?  I thought this crowd was to buy toilet paper.
  9) I would applaud even if I were not ordered to do so!
  8) I'm a communist party animal!
  7) Our countries may have their differences, but we can agree "Piano
     Man" really gets on your nerves.
  6) There's no chance Yakov Smirnoff will come back, is there?
  5) Check it out!  Loose potatoes!  Loose potatoes!
  4) I'll bet they make this into another crummy HBO special.
  3) The one who threw the Frisbee .  .  .  shoot him.
  2) His female fans are covering the stage with burlap panties!
  1) You see -- they are not all as annoying as Donahue.


Then there was the.........

      Top 10 Commercial Casket Models
       July 30, 1987

 10) The Dirt Master
  9) Tupper-Tomb
  8) Krazy-Kasket from Whammo
  7) The Slim Reaper
  6) The 19th Hole
  5) McCoffin Styrofoam Casket
  4) The Comfort-King Velvetliner (endorsed by Paul Anka)
  3) Cap'n Crypt
  2) The Cardboard Warrior
  1) The La-Z-Boy Eterna-Lounger


> OBJoke: for our Moderator and all-round friend/servant

Secretary:

1. a girl who can tell by a caller's name whether or not the boss is in.

2. a girl you pay to learn to type while she's looking for a husband.


    .------------.
   / I C E-van|[0]\
   |  _       |_ice\ Cheers,
~ ~=-(@)------(@)-=/ I C E-man
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