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Möte FUNNY, 4886 texter
 lista första sista föregående nästa
Text 4223, 170 rader
Skriven 2006-05-15 07:01:00 av George Pope (3140.funny)
   Kommentar till text 3995 av Greg Sears (3:633/104)
Ärende: Re: Prymid spam joke
============================
GS>   The Englishman says "Give me a revolver." He puts the gun to his head
GS> and states "God save the Queen!" And blows his brains out; a very
GS> honorable death.
GS>
GS>   The Frenchman says "Give me a sword." He places the tip of the sword
GS> over his heart and shouts "Vive la France!" And thrusts it into his
GS> heart; a very honorable death.
GS>
GS>   The American says "Give me a fork." And proceeds to stab himself
GS> repeatedly while saying "Fuck your canoe!"

The Canadian says, "Give me a 20 megatonne thermonuclear device" figuring if he
MUST die, he's taking these assholes with him!

On war. . .

  It is a transcription of a press conference with Lieut. Roger J. Rudder,
American flying ace just returned from overseas duty in World War II;
press conference supervised by Colonel Beaver of Air Force Public
Relations. (Credit to H. Allen Smith)

Reporter: Welcome home, Lieutenant Rudder. How do you feel about being
back in the States?

Rudder: Pretty pissed off.

Colonel Beaver: Lieutenant Rudder's eyes were misty when the outlines of
the Statue of Liberty, symbol of American faith and liberty, loomed into
sight.

Reporter: What is the first thing you plan to do in New York, Lieutenant?

Rudder: Get laid.

Col. Beaver: He intends to jet back to his old home town at once and see
his Mom and all the folks.

Reporter: Are they going to give you the Congressional Medal of Honor?

Rudder: They damn well should.

Col. Beaver: Lieutenant Rudder modestly shuns any high awards. "Every man
in the battle line deserves it as much as I," he said.

Reporter: What about the case of champagne General Geevil was going to
send you for breaking Rickenbacker's record?

Rudder: The old fart crapped out on me.

Col. Beaver: Lieutenant Rudder is a teetotaler. At his suggestion the
price of the champagne was happily donated to Russian relief.

Reporter: Just how did you manage to shoot down so many enemy planes?

Rudder: Because I'm a pretty frigging hot pilot.

Col. Beaver: The Lieutenant attributes his enemy score to a combination of
teamwork, luck, and superior equipment.

Reporter: Do you think the German pilot is as good as the American?

Rudder: I can fly circles up his a**.

Col. Beaver: He pays high tribute to the skill of the enemy.

Reporter: How about the Japs?

Rudder: Those bastards don't know their butts from third base.

Col. Beaver: What the Lieutenant means is that the quality of the Japanese
airmen is declining somewhat.

Reporter: Did you have a good American mechanic at hand?

Rudder: Good? That dumb son of a bitch was born with his thumb up his rear
end. It was a miracle that I ever got off the ground.

Col. Beaver: Lieutenant Rudder is lavish in his praise of our courageous
ground crews who worked round the clock to keep 'em flying.

Reporter: We understand you intend to visit the factory where your plane
was built.

Rudder: That's right, if the bastards aren't out on strike. I'd like to
get my hands on that horse's a** who welded his lunch bucket into the tail
section of my ship.

Col. Beaver: He is proud of our American workers and the magnificent way
they are backing the attack.

Reporter: I understand that you intend to teach some gunnery before you
return to the wars.

Rudder: Yeah. Somebody's gotta give the kids the ungarbled word. The stuff
they taught me in training damn near got me my a** shot off.

Col. Beaver: Rudder is unqualified in his praise of the excellent training
being given our fledgling pilots.

Reporter: Tell me, Lieutenant, does ...

Rudder: Sorry boys, that's enough. Gotta get outa here before the bars
close and line up a piece of a**. So long.

Col. Beaver: Yes, gentlemen, Lieutenant Rudder must now hurry along,
to get back to his mother's apple pies, and high school sweetheart he
left behind, and the Main Street where he played cowboy-and-Indian as a
boy. If there are any further questions, gentlemen, I believe I can field
them. Fire away.


And, after the Canadian hits the button. . .


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