Text 4228, 383 rader
Skriven 2006-05-15 08:03:00 av George Pope (3145.funny)
   Kommentar till text 4123 av Greg Sears (3:633/104)
Ärende: Re: Prymid spam joke
============================
GS>    > Here's what you do:
GS>    > 1. Get a job
GS>
GS>    WHERE?????????

Okay, maybe I should have said FIND ; job. . .

GS>    > 2. Show up for work.
GS>
GS>    WHERE?????????

At the job you got/found in #1.

GS>    > 3. Collect your paycheck
GS>
GS>   WHERE??????????

Get direct deposit of your paycheque from the employer of #1.

GS>    > 4. Put money in the bank
GS>
GS>   WHERE??????????

It's already there, if you gave your boss(see #1) your bank account info to
give to his accountant to directly deposit your cheques each week.

Pranks To Pull On New Employees
-------------------------------

   Sending new copy shop employees for double-sided transparencies.

   In the army, we sent new cooks for a can of dehydrated water.  This
actually worked cause new privates are conditioned to do what you say
and everything in an army kitchen is dehydrated.

   I heard that someone was sent out to get striped paint.  On arriving
at the shop, he was sent back to ask if the stripes should be horizontal
or vertical.

   Send the new apprentice to the boilerhouse for a bucket of steam.

   In the phone company, new employees are sent after sky hooks...

   Tell a friend that the gas station is hiring someone to change spark
plugs in diesel engines for 8$/hour.  See if he gets a job.

   I am reminded of the story, held to be true, about the new employee
that had never worked with a desktop computer before.  One of the office
workers loaded a small program that made sounds like water running out
of a drain.  He then told this naive little thing that you needed to
drain the water out of the computer every day before beginning the daily
tasks.  Faithfully, every day, she ran the program that drained the
water from the computer.  Weeks went by, and she was moved to another
area of the office, to a different computer, that didn't have the drain
program on it.  She couldn't understand that she had been HAD and
complained that she could not do her work without being able to drain
the water from her computer.  Her supervisor had the fellow who
installed the previous "water drainer" install it on her new PC.  She
was then able to function.

   Working in electronic instrumentation, we'd get a student engineer
and ask them to help us find spurs from a source by getting a "spur
sniffer."  And if he was a computer science major, we'd really lose him
for awhile if he was dumb enough to go searching all the analog data
books looking for a "precision zero volt reference."  "We'd like at
least 3 digit accuracy!"

   Oilpatch jokes:  "That's the third time this week this scaffolding
plank has broken.  Run down to the welder's shed and get 5 or 6 #4 wood
rods."
   "Run down to the supply shed and get me 20 feet of shoreline."
   From the office ranks:  "Go ask Doris to bring us some coffee."

   I used to work in a restaurant and we would send new employees to go
mop the walk-in freezer.  Then we would send them to chip the ice off
the floor.

   I also work in a restaurant.  We sometimes tell the newbies to fetch
the grill enlarger when there is a rush hour.  When they have been
looking for it for half an hour, they learn to ask when they are not
sure of what to do.  Once we told a newbie to measure all of the french
fries we wasted.

   I worked for a construction company one summer and, in my second
week, was sent for a new bubble for the spirit level to the stores.
Knowing I was being had, but wanting a morning off work, I went to the
stores and explained the wind up to the storekeeper.  He said "wait a
minute", went away and came back with a jar about 95% full of water.  He
told me to take it back to my foreman and explain that this was the only
sized bubble that the stores had and that if they needed a smaller one
they would have to wait until the order came in next week.

   When my mother was a nursing student in England, they had a number of
standard jokes.  One that I remember went something like this:
   Nurse: "Go and ask the Ward Sister if I can borrow her fallopian
tubes."
   (Sometimes, my mother relates, the answer would come back "Sorry,
they're in use at the moment.")

   During my summers, I work for a construction company and they have a
great prank to play on a new guy.  As you approach the time to lay
cement, tell him to go to a store and look for a hydraulic cement bender
and tell them to charge it to their account.  It has never failed them,
I know personally!

   My cousin and I were in two different shops in Trade School, he in
the appliance repair and me in the heavy equipment shop.  When 'newbies'
got in the way, he'd send them down to me for the "short stand", I'd
send them back after a few minutes with the message "can't find the
short stand, is the long stand any good?", and he'd promptly send them
for the long stand.  I'd send guys for left-handed screwdrivers, buckets
of steam, and once in a while, for a long stand.  Although I used to
dish it out, I was caught when I was a Newbie, I was told to get the
chain stretcher from the welding shop, I learned VERY quickly!

   Get a pair of intercoms.  Stick one in an empty drive bay of the new
guys' machine.  At the other end, in another room, someone talks into it
with a robot voice.  Tells him it's an AI with speech synth and voice
recognition.  We played this on an extremely nerdy software intern.  He
actually bought it at first. Then the AI started getting abusive...

   I used to work at Canadian Tire part time as a student and here's a
few that I remember:
   Ask the new employee to go get: sky hooks, left-handed
wrench/hammer/razor, Agent Orange (paint colour).
   Or shoot elastics at them while they are carrying boxes.
   Or press the intercom button on the phone and tell them the phone is
for them.  You hear the poor shmuck going "Hello?  Hellooo?" over the
whole store.

   While working in a mobile radio station with the military, we would
have to drive a steel stake into the ground and attach it to the
vehicle.  This would act as a ground connection should the truck be
struck by lightening.  Many a private was sent to get a 'lightening
bolt' to attached the wire between the truck and stake.
   On one occasion, a private returned to say that the supply sargeant
refused to give us a lightening bolt until we returned the 'short
circuits' and 'sky hooks' which he claimed we had in our possession!

I used to work at Burger Chef as a teen in Indiana.  I was training a
new employee on clean up detail (cleaning utensils, work tables, etc.)
and when we were all done with the work, she asked if there was anything
else.  I explained to her that her next duty was to dig through all the
trash bags from the customer area and retrieve any of the styrofoam
containers used to hold sandwiches, that these had to be washed so we
could reuse them the next day. She got through two bags of trash before
we let her in on the joke.

While driving in the truck (6 of us), I would ask the new one to grab
the "matterbabe" for me, as I couldn't reach it.  After being flustered
for finding nothing, the employee would say, "What's the matterbabe?"
We all replied, "Nothing honey"

My boss was cooking some ribs and she scraped all the coagulated white
grease off.  She thought it might be funny to pack it all together and
scoop it with an ice cream scoop onto dessert plates and tell the
servers it was leftover lemon sorbetto.  Only a couple fell for it.

When I was in the Army, we used to send new recruits after a 'box of
grid squares' (military maps are sectioned into 1 kilometer by 1
kilometer squares which are referred to as 'grid squares').  This was
always good for a few laughs as the recruit went from office to office
trying to find who maintained the supply of grid squares.  It did
backfire once however, when one of the recruits went and got a map and
cut it up into little pieces and returned it in a box. We got our 'box
of grid squares' and a lecture on not destroying government equipment to
boot.

Two other jokes for the filling station newbie were:
 1) Have a co-worker call the station and ask how much it cost to have
muffler bearings replaced;
 2) Tell the newbie to replace the winter air in a car's tires.

   In the Navy, we had similar types of fun with newbies.
1) Sent nub for 50 feet of chow line.
2) We'd also send them to Supply for 100 feet of green chow line
(telling them it was *very* important) whereupon the Supply clerk would
say we've only got red chow line will that do?  When they came back,
we'd say red is okay, but we need 200 feet of red.  The newbie would run
back to the supply clerk, who would tell them that he only had 150 feet
of red but he might have enough yellow.  Would yellow do?  We would tell
the newbie that yellow would work, how much did they have? The newbie
would run to the supply shack who would say we've got over 400 feet, is
that enough?  We would tell the newbie that we need 600 feet because
yellow chow line isn't as strong as green or even red and we'd need to
triple tie it.  When the newbie would run back to the supply shack, the
clerk would say, I've only got a little more than 400 feet, that's what
I told you last time, you idiot newbie etc. etc.  Usually, at this
point, the newbie either figured it out or was dead tired by the time he
had finished running all over the boat.  What was funny was that in our
submarine, there were very few straight paths from the engine room to
supply, so the newbie had to run like crazy; after all, it was very
important!
3) Electricians sent newbies to Machinist's
Mates for a Machinist's Punch; usually ended up in some form of painful
physical contact between MM and newbie...
4) When I was qualifying for one of my watchstations (answering
questions to show I knew what was going on), the person I had gone to
for the check-out asked me how old I was.  I replied 23.  He said good,
that's how many look-ups I was going to have. (A look-up is when you
don't know the answer and you have to go look it up and tell the person
giving you the check-out)

A similar one is when you get invitations to a trade show, with
those personalized registration cards. Nowadays, you just give your
card to an exhibitor you're interested in, he scans it, and a few
seconds later, you're on your way. A couple of weeks later, the junk
mail starts.

There are always people who don't go to the show - you take THEIR
cards and give them to EVERY exhibitor. The junk mail won't stop for
years, and it can achieve pretty impressive quantities.

The best part is that if you get the cards surreptitiously, you'll
never be discovered as the culprit, but will hear all the bitching.

Oh yeah - I forgot to mention the follow-up phone calls the vendors
make.

Heres my best gag...

A guy I was friend with at work was gone for a week on a sales venture.
The Day before he returned, a Sunday, I went into the office and
switched his office around. Put everything on the left on the right and
vice-versa. He came in, I happend to be walking in with him and saw his
reaction. At first he thought the TV crew had used his office for
shooting a commerical, which they did every so often. He was a bit upset
to see his furnature moved around, but when he sat down at this desk he
realized what had been done. He kept reaching for his telephone on the
wrong side of the desk. I kept sending him calls just to see it. The he
went for a file. A realized someone had have played a prank on him. They
too had been moved from one side to the other. The idea is detail. I
measured space from the wall, moved his Mickey Mouse figurenes from one
side to the other in the exact space... He and I still laugh about this
one.

Another one...

I called an office that had some seperate phone numbers for a few of the
extensions. My friend gave me them and we used to ring them just for the
thrill of knowing people were looking for the ringing phone. I told my
friend to keep and eye on this cubicals.I was at another job, in a
building miles away. I called. A woman answered...

Hello?

Yes Mam'm this is John Tuttle with the phone company. I am trying to
work on the lines that come into your office. I understand they are
acting up.

They ring all the time and no one is on them.

Yes, I understand. Well, I can't seem to find where the lines run in the
building. Can you help me?

Sure if I can.

I"m across the parking lot by the health club, I can just barely see
inside your office. It would help me if you could just face toward the

window and move back and forth.

Can you see me? (my friend later tells me she was really moving.)

I'm not sure. There is some reflection on the glass. Could you wave and
move back and forth at the same time?

Do you see me now?

I still can't be sure. I see a lot of movement in your office, it's very
hard to make out all the motion at that one level. Tell you what. Could
you stand on the desk and wave. Or just move back and forth on top of
it.

Hold on a second. (Puts phone on desk.)... Hello, are you still there.
I'll wave now.

(In background on her end of the phone, sound of man, some what loud
and disturbed.) What the hell are you doing?

Well, this guy from the phone company...

I hung up....

OK, one more...

Call a company where the receptinist sits at a desk facing the front of
the office. I prefer to use a voice I made up of a very old, senile
man.)

Hello, AJAX Company. May I help you?

Is this the front desk?

Yes it is, may I help you?

Yeah, when am I going to get some towels sent up here?

Pardon me. Towels?

Yeah, cloth you blot water off your body with, towels.

Sir, this is AJAX Company. We make widgets.

I still want to know when I can get towels here. I'm paying $150.00 per
night for this lousy room and I don't even get towels for that...

You can take it from there. I've pulled this one on so many while one of
their co-workers look on.

Signs on the back of cars are pretty good - just be reasonably sure
the victim parks in such a way that he doesn't see the back of his
car when he gets in, and you're all set.

I used to do that to a co-worker (who had a great sense of humour),
but it quickly turned into mutual paranoia... The first one was the
best. The sign said something like "CAUTION: Daydreaming yuppie
breeder at the wheel. Wave if you're fertile too."

Off he went into the afternoon traffic jam. He was getting some
funny looks... Finally, according to him, a real doll pulled up next
to him, and indicated she wanted a word with him. His heart went
pitty-pat as he rolled down the window. She called out "There's
something about yuppies on the back of your car!" This wasn't
exactly what he was hoping to hear from her. Pause. "What?" he
cleverly replied. "Yuppies! A sign about yuppies on the back of your
car!"

So much for fantasies. Because of the heavy traffic, he couldn't
stop, and drove home with the sign on. It wasn't the sign per se
that bugged him - he laughed about that - it was that doll who
DIDN'T want to tell him her phone number.....

I got another co-worker at another place - simple and
self-explanatory: "DANGER: East Indian at the wheel!" In his case,
it was justified - if you liked to live dangerously, you talked to
him when he was driving; he wasn't very good at multi-tasking.

At another place, there was a guy we all know - bought a cheap black
MouseDung, I mean Mustang, then spent all of his money adding on
things he thought were attractive - you know, tinted windows,
wheels, tires, pin stripes, more stripes, things hanging from
things, more stripes, headlight covers, tail light covers, more
stripes, shade strips, cover covers, more stripes. Finally (and only
someone who thinks all of the preceding is just a good start would
do this), he added in white letters across the back edge of the
trunk: "Have you driven a Ford lately?" There was a pretty large
space between "driven" and "a", because of the trunk lock.

Shortly after that (he wasn't much of a driver, no matter how he saw
himself), he managed to pull out of a side street into the path of
another car. It was a pretty good hit, but the car was still
driveable. Of course that's not funny, but an opportunity IS an
opportunity.... He always parked his pride and joy near the main
entrance, so that everyone could admire his work of art - the fact
that its bodywork was clearly rearranged didn't change anything.

I measured the size of the letters in his slogan and noted the
style, then drew up a little sign saying "into", with white letters
on black, and taped it over his trunk lock with electrical tape
(certain that the tape wouldn't pull his paint off). It worked great
- there for all to see as they left work was "Have you driven into a
Ford lately?"

He was absolutely livid, but no one (for a change) told him who'd
done it. He suspected everyone - ranted and raved for a day or two,
and then fell into a depression that lasted for at least a week.
This is true. It wasn't that someone was having a joke about the
accident - it was that someone was making a joke about his CAR!!!



Your Moderator and all-round friend/servant,
|<+]::-) ("Cyberpope")
Internet: gapope@vcn.bc.ca
1)If you don't like a joke, post 2-3 examples of what you DO like!
B)If you DO like a joke, say thank-you with 2-3 jokes of your own! :)

(AKA the Bishop of ROM!)

... nfx v3.1 down at the end of Lonely Street...in Heartbreak Hotel....      
--- SBBSecho 2.11-Win32
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