Text 4250, 144 rader
Skriven 2006-05-23 08:27:58 av Greg Sears (3:633/104)
     Kommentar till en text av George Pope
Ärende: Re: George Pope
=======================
 NP> Where is the cyber pope? Never seen him for a while....

 Echo: FUNNY
 Date: 15-May-2006 08:53
 Read:" George Pope "
 George Pope Put A SMILE on Nathan Prugh's  DIAL #[:-)] 

 GP> He is always around SOMEWHERE!!!
   > (he's ubiquitous!)

 George Pope, Have you read this one. . . . GUIDE TO GOOD SPITTING

OK, so George you think spitting is a dirty habit! But I bet you have
    done it! Well here's my little guide to help you do it better!


1. CHOICE OF PHLEGM.
For a really good spit fodder you have got to get that saliva flowing
and this can be achieved by eating a packet of opal fruits or suchlike.
It also adds a touch of color to your spit which is quite eye-catching
in the right light. White phlegm, usually produced when you are thirsty,
is all well and good but is useless for distance spitting...

2. SUMMONING THE PHLEGM.
This initially takes place at the back of the throat where the more
constant mucus gathers or, if you have a heavy cold, at the back of the
nose. Any spit is greatly enhanced by a really clammy cold, give a deep
growl and get that phlegm into the mouth.

3. THE SIFTING STAGE.
By this I mean that the chunkier parts of the spit fodder are now ready
to be pushed forward to the middle of the tongue wiliest the runnier,
more slimier spit can slip easily down the back of your throat out of
the way.  otherwise, when you jettison your spit missile it may be
dragged back by stringers leaving a nasty mess on your jumper.

4. ROLLING.
By using the roof of your mouth, your tongue and your teeth and cheeks,
you can successfully fashion the phlegm into a streamlined, purpose
built projectile ideal for power spitting. This part may require some
practise.

5. SELECTING A TARGET.
Now after you have nurtured this spit since it was but a tickle in the
back of your throat and now it is a supersonic turbo charged ball of
phlegm ball, so you don't want to waste it do you! Your target should
be somewhere where your spit can be seen by all, so how about a pub
window? I wouldn't want to be accused of encouraging you of spitting on
nosy neighbors cars so I won't even mention it. Find a suitable target
and home in on it.

6. AIM AND TRAJECTORY.
Judge how far your target is away and it's height in conjunction with
you. This should give you an idea on how much breath you will need for
launch. After all you don't want to fall short or over shoot the target
do you? (Heaven forbid).

7. THE BIG SEND OFF!
Stand before your target and cradle the spit on the tip of your tongue.
Taking a big breath at the same time edging the phlegm just slightly
onto your bottom lip. Push back your shoulders and lower your head,
never take your eyes of the target. Open the mouth ever so little, take
a deep breath and blast the missile outwards, at this point jerk head
upwards to give that extra kick. Some people like to take a little jump
but I feel this disturbs your aim but after all each to his own.


And always remember if a spit is worth doing it should stick to the
target!


> OBJoke: for our Moderator and all-round friend/servant


1 0   T H I N G S   Y O U   N E V E R

K N E W   A B O U T   H O R S E S H I T


Horse Shit, it's one of those subjects that is rarely talked about yet
it is a part of our everyday lives as is the Sun newspaper, although not
quite as common.  You don't see it as often as you used to, but it's
still around, take a trip to Aintree or Epsom and they're littered with
the stuff.  It's not as uninteresting as you'd probably expect either.
Here are 10 fairly interesting facts that you probably never knew about
Horse Shit.

 1. Funny as it may seem, horse shit actually does come from horses.

 2. Horse shit comes in a variety of sizes ranging from tiny little
    Shetland pony droppings to absolutely massive cannonball sized Shire
    horse excrements.

 3. During the early part of the 20Th. century, horse shit was highly
    regarded for it's amazing magical growth inducement properties, when
    I was only knee high to a grasshopper my grandad often used to say
    "You want a shovel o'hoss shite in yer boots lad, it'll mek a six
    footer out o'yer!" One day in all my youthful innocence I tried it
    and yes it works, I'm still only 3' 2", but I now take a size 16 in
    shoes.

 4. Contrary to popular belief, horse shit doesn't help your rhubarb to
    grow, it just makes your garden smell of horse shit!

 5. Before the invention of motor cars, horse shit was a common sight on
    our streets and roads, I bet the M25 was a right state in the rush
    hour.

 6. When it comes to horses and their shit, the law is a complete ass.
    Horses are allowed to shit where they want when they want without so
    much as a frown from a passing Policeman, but if a human was to
    try shittin' in the street...

 7. The invention of cars isn't such a bad thing when you take into
    account that the average family car is around a hundred bhp (break
    horse power).  If we were still using horses as everyday transport
    that would mean a garage (or barn) the size of Buckingham Palace
    attached to your semi just to house the daily runabout.

 8. Referring back to fact number 1, horse shit also comes from the
    mouths of many of our politicians, certain daily tabloids and Radio
    1 DJ Simon Bates.

 9. Horses are renowned for suffering from clinkers, piles and other
    anal diseases due to the fact that the dirty bastards never wipe
    their arses.

10. Some horses don't shit at all: Fury, Trigger, Black Beauty, Silver,
    Champion (The Wonder Horse) and countless other film and television
    equine beasts, well I've never seen 'em!



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