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Möte FUNNY, 4886 texter
 lista första sista föregående nästa
Text 4271, 431 rader
Skriven 2006-05-25 09:36:00 av Nathan Prugh
Ärende: Blonde Joke (1)
=======================
This is the most complete set of blonde jokes I have seen. This is the updated
version, with (I think) all duplications removed. If you have a question,
request for the jokes, duplication to point out, or one you think should be
included, mail hssm@menudo.uh.edu.

There are 441 jokes in this list. 394 Q & A jokes, and 47 story and one liner
jokes. (this does not include multiple answers to the same question. Including
those it is about 460 jokes) There is also a blonde dictionary at the end.

PLEASE, IF YOU COPY THIS OFF OF THE NET, PLEASE LEAVE MY NAME ON THE BOTTOM SO
THAT I KNOW HOW MANY ARE FLOATING AROUND, AND THAT I GET CREDIT FOR THE TIME I
SPENT ON IT. THANK YOU.

Disclaimer: These are not my jokes, I only compiled them, any complaints
should be posted on rec.humor, or directed towards your local congressman.


                                Troy C. Belding

                          1/25/93

                The Complete Set Of Blonde Jokes
               -----------------------------------

     Q:   How do blonde braincells die ?
     A:   Alone.

     Q:   How do you brainwash a blonde?
     A:   Give her a douche and shake her upside down.

     Q:   How do you change a blonde's mind?
    A1:   Blow in her ear.
    A2:   Buy her another beer.

     Q:   How do you measure a blonde's intelligence?
     A:   Stick a tire pressure gauge in her ear!

     Q:   How do you get a blonde pregnant?
     A:   Come in her shoes and let the flies do the rest.

     Q:   How do you get a blonde to marry you?
     A:   Tell her she's pregnant.

     Q:   What will she ask you?
     A:   "Is it mine?"

     Q:   How does a blonde kill a fish?
     A:   She drowns it.

     Q:   A blond going to London on a plane, how can you steal
          her window seat?
     A:   Tell her the seats that are going to London are
          all in the middle row.

     Q:   How do you amuse a blonde for hours?
     A:   Write 'Please turn over' on both sides of a piece of paper

     Q:   How does a blonde hold her liquor?
     A:   By the ears.

     Q:   How do you know a blond likes you?
     A:   She screws you two nights in a row.

     Q:   How does a blonde moonwalk?
     A:   She pulls down her panties and slides her ass along the floor!

     Q:   Why are only 2% of blondes touch-typists?
     A:   The rest are hunt'n peckers.

     Q:   What do you call a blond mother-in-law?
     A:   An air bag.

     Q:   What nickname is most used by blondes in order to boost
          their popularity?
     A:   B.J.

     Q:   Why are blonde's coffins Y-shaped?
     A:   Because as soon as they are on their backs, their legs open.

     Q:   Why do Blondes wear earmuffs?
     A:   To avoid the draft.

     Q.   Why did the blonde stare at the can of frozen orange juice for
          two hours?
     A.   Because the can said "concentrate" on it.

     Q:   Why should you never take a blonde out for coffee?
     A:   It's too hard to re-train them.

     Q:   What do blondes do for foreplay?
     A:   Remove their underwear.

     Q:   What's the mating call of the blonde?
     A:   "I'm *sooo* drunk!"

     Q:   What is the mating call of the ugly blonde?
     A:   (Screaming) "I said: I'm drunk!"

     Q:   What's the mating call of the brunette?
     A:   "All the blondes have gone home!"

     Q:   What's a brunette's mating call ?
     A:   Has that blonde gone yet?

     Q:   What is the brunette's mating call?
     A:   When is that blond bitch going to leave!?

     Q:   What's the mating call of the redhead?
     A:   "Next!"

     Q:   How do you make a blonde laugh on
          Saturday?
     A:   Tell her a joke on Wednesday.

     Q:   What is the blonde doing when she holds
          her hands tightly over her ears?
     A:   Trying to hold on to a thought.

     Q:   Why did the blonde stare at frozen orange
          juice can for 2 hours?
     A:   Because it said 'concentrate'.

     Q:   Why don't blondes have elevator jobs?
     A:   They don't know the route.

     Q:   Why do blondes work seven days a week?
     A:   So you don't have to retrain them on Monday.

     Q:   What's the difference between a blonde and an ironing board?
     A:   It's difficult to open the legs of an ironing board.

     Q:   What is foreplay for a blonde?
     A:   Thirty minutes of begging.

     Q:   What's the difference between a blonde and a broom closet?
     A:   Only two men fit inside a broom closet at once.

     Q:   What's the difference between a blonde and a phone booth?
    A1:   You need a quarter to use the phone.
    A2:   Only one person can use the phone at once.

     Q:   What does the Bermuda Triangle and blondes have in common?
     A:   They've both swallowed a lot of semen.

     Q:   What did the blonde say when she knocked over the priceless
          Ming vase?
     A    "It's OK Daddy, I'm not hurt."

     Q:   How does a blonde commit suicide?
     A:   She gathers her clothes into a pile and jumps off.

     Q:   How do you plant dope?
     A:   Bury a blonde.

     Q:   Why did god give blonds 2% more brains than horses?
     A:   Because he didn't want them shitting in the streets during parades.

     Q:   How do you get a one-armed blonde out of a tree?
     A:   Wave to her.

     Q:   How does a blonde measure his/her IQ?
     A:   With a tire gauge!  (da da dum)

     Q:   How does the blond turn on the light after she
          has had sex?
     A:   She opens the car door.

     Q:   How does a blonde get pregnant?
     A:   And I thought blondes were dumb!

     Q:   How does a blonde part their hair?
    A1:   (Action of scissoring legs apart)
    A2:   By doing the splits.

     Q:   How do you get a blondes eyes to twinkle?
     A:   Shine a torch in her ears.

     Q:   How do you tell when a blonde reaches orgasm?
    A1:   She drops her nail-file!
    A2:   Who cares?
    A3:   She says, "Next".
    A4:   The next person in the queue taps you on the shoulder.
    A5:   He's had his clothes for about 2 minutes.
    A6:   I mean, who really cares?
    A7:   The batteries have run out.

     Q:   How do you make a blonde's eyes light up?
     A:   Shine a flashlight in their ear.

     Q:   Why do blondes wear shoulder pads?
     A:   (With a rocking of the head from side to side) I dunno!

     Q:   How do you kill a blonde?
     A:   Put spikes in their shoulder pads.

     Q:   How do blondes pierce their ears?
     A:   They put tacks in their shoulder pads.

     Q:   How does a blonde like her eggs?
     A:   Unfertilized.

     Q:   How do you drown a blond?
    A1:   Put a mirror at the bottom of the pool.
    A2:   Don't tell her to swallow.
    A3:   Leave a scratch and sniff at the bottom of the pool.

     Q:   How do you tell if a blonde did your landscaping?
     A:   The bushes are darker than the rest of the yard.

     Q:   How does a blonde high-5?
     A:   She smacks herself in the forehead.

     Q:   How do you describe a blonde, surrounded by drooling
          idiots?
     A:   Flattered.

     Q:   What do you call a blonde with ESP and PMS?
     A:   A know-it-all bitch.

     Q:   What's the difference between a counterfeit dollar and a
          skinny blonde?
     A:   One's a phony buck.

     Q:   What's the difference between a chorus line of blondes and
          a magician?
     A:   A magician has a cunning array of stunts.

     Q:   What is the best blonde secretary in the world to have?
     A:   One that never misses a period.

     Q:   What does a blonde think an innuendo is?
     A:   An Italian suppository.

     Q:   Why doesn't a blondes guts fall out of her twat when she stands?
     A:   Because the vacuum in her head keeps them in place.

     Q:   What's the difference between having sex with a blonde and
          eating Jell-o?
     A:   Jell-o wiggles when you eat it.

     Q:   What do you get when you cross a blonde and a lawyer?
    A1:   I don't know, there are some things even a blonde won't do.
    A2:   Something that when it gives you a blow job, it won't
          stop until it gets blood.


     Q:   Why was the blonde wearing her sunglasses?
     A:   She was having sunny periods.

     Q:   What two things in the air can get a blonde pregnant?
     A:   Her feet!

     Q:   How can you tell when a blonde is wearing pantyhose?
     A:   When she farts, her knees bag.

     Q:   What's the disease that paralyzes blondes below the waist?
     A:   Marriage.

     Q:   How is a blonde like a frying pan?
     A:   You have to get them hot before you put in the meat.

     Q:   How does a blonde interpret 6.9?
     A:   A 69 interrupted by a period.

     Q:   How do you make a blond laugh on Monday mornings ?
     A:   Tell them a joke on Friday night !

     Q:   How do you describe the perfect blonde?
     A:   3 feet tall, no teeth, and a flat head to rest your beer on.

     Q:   How do you confuse a blonde?
     A:   You don't. They're born that way.

     Q:   Why do blondes hate M&Ms?
     A:   They're too hard to peel.

     Q:   How do you drive a blonde crazy?
     A:   Give her a bag of M&Ms and tell her to alphabetize them.

     Q:   Why does it work?
     A:   "Does 3 come before E, between M and W, or at the end?"

     Q:   How do you know when a blonde has been making chocolate
          chip cookies?
     A:   You find M&M shells all over the kitchen floor.

     Q:   What job function does a blonde have in an M&M factory?
     A:   Proofreading.

     Q:   Do you know why the blonde got fired from the M&M factory?
     A:   For throwing out the W's.

     Q:   Why don't blondes like making KOOL-AID?
     A:   Because they can't fit 8 cups of water in the little
          packet.

     Q:   Why does a blonde have fur on the hem of her dress?
     A:   To keep her ankles warm.

     Q:   How can you tell a blonde had a bad day?
     A:   Her tampon is behind her ear and she doesn't know what
          she did with her cigarette.

     Q:   What does a blonde say after multiple orgasms?
     A:   Way to go team!

     Q:   How can you tell if a blonde has a vibrator?
     A:   By the chipped tooth.

     Q:   How do you keep a blonde in suspense?
     A:   (I'll tell you tomorrow.)

     Q:   How do you keep a blonde busy?
     A:   Write 'Please turn over' on both sides of a piece of paper.

     Q:   Why do blondes wear shoulder pads?
     A:   To keep from bruising their ears.

     Q:   Why do blondes have vaginas?
     A:   So guys will talk to them at parties.

     Q:   Why does the blonde stand in front of a window during a
          thunder storm?
     A:   She loves taking pictures  (flashes, got it?).

     Q:   What do you call a blonde with a runny nose?
     A:   Full.

     Q:   What does a blonde answer to the question "Are you sexually active?"
     A:   "No, I just lie there."

     Q:   What's the first thing a blonde says in the morning?
     A:   "Thanks, guys..."

     Q:   What do you call 10 blondes at the bottom of the pool?
     A:   Air pockets.

     Q:   What does "Bones" McCoy say before he performs brain
          surgery on a blonde?
     A:   "Space. The final frontier......"

     Q:   How many blondes does it take to screw the entire Bengals
          team?
     A:   Just One... Boomer Esiason.

     Q:   What's brown and red and black and blue?
     A:   A brunette who's told one too many blonde jokes.

     Q:   What do you call a brunette and three blondes on a corner?
     A:   You don't, you see if you've got 3 condoms.

     Q:   Why did the blonde keep ice cubes in the freezer?
     A:   So she could keep the refrigerator cold.

     Q:   How did the blonde break her leg playing hockey with the Toronto
          Maple Leafs?
     A:   She fell out of the tree.

     Q:   How many blondes does it take to play Hide and Seek?
     A:   One.

     Q:   Why couldn't the blonde write the number ELEVEN ?
     A:   She didn't know what ONE came first...

     Q:   Why don't blondes talk when having sex?
    A1:   Their mothers told them not to talk to strangers.
    A2:   Their mothers told them not with their mouths full.

     Q:   What do you call a blonde with 90% of her intelligence gone?
     A:   Divorced.

     Q:   What do you call a blonde without an asshole?
     A:   Divorced.

     Q:   How many blondes does it take to make a circuit?
     A:   Two, One to stand in the bathtub, and another to pass her the
          blow dryer!

     Q:   How is a blonde like a postage stamp?
     A:   You lick'm, stick'em, and send'em on their way.

     Q:   How do you describe 3 prostitutes and a blonde?
     A:   Ho, Ho, Ho, and to all a good night.

     Q:   How did the blonde try to kill the bird?
     A:   She threw it off a cliff.

     Q:   How did the blonde break her leg raking leaves?
     A:   She fell out of the tree.

     Q:   How did the blonde die drinking milk?
     A:   The cow fell on her.

     Q:   How did the blonde burn her nose?
     A:   Bobbing for french fries.

     Q:   How can you tell which blonde is the waitress?
     A:   She is the one with the tampon behind her ear, wondering
          what she did with her pencil.

    Q1:   How can you tell if a blonde's been using the computer?
     A:   There's white-out on the screen.
    Q2:   How can you tell if another blonde's been using the computer?
     A:   There's writing on the white-out.

     Q:   What's the difference between a blonde and a computer?
     A:   You only have to punch information into a computer once.

     Q:   What did the blonde think of the new computer?
     A:   She didn't like it 'cos she couldn't get channel 9....

     Q:   How can you tell if a blonde has been in your refrigerator?
     A:   By the lipstick on your cucumbers.

     Q:   How can you tell if a blonde works in an office?
     A:   A bed in the stockroom and huge smiles on all the
          bosses' faces.

     Q:   How can you tell when a blonde is dating?
     A:   By the buckle print on her forehead.

     Q:   How can you tell who is a blonde's boyfriend?
     A:   He's the one with the belt buckle the matches the impression
          in her forehead!

     Q:   How can you tell if a blonde writes mysteries?
     A:   She has a checkbook.


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