Tillbaka till svenska Fidonet
English   Information   Debug  
FIDO_SYSOP   12841
FIDO_UTIL   0/180
FILEFIND   0/209
FILEGATE   0/212
FILM   0/18
FNEWS_PUBLISH   4155
FN_SYSOP   41520
FN_SYSOP_OLD1   71952
FTP_FIDO   0/2
FTSC_PUBLIC   0/13558
FUNNY   0/4886
GENEALOGY.EUR   0/71
GET_INFO   105
GOLDED   0/408
HAM   0/16041
HOLYSMOKE   0/6791
HOT_SITES   0/1
HTMLEDIT   0/71
HUB203   466
HUB_100   264
HUB_400   39
HUMOR   0/29
IC   0/2851
INTERNET   0/424
INTERUSER   0/3
IP_CONNECT   719
JAMNNTPD   0/233
JAMTLAND   0/47
KATTY_KORNER   0/41
LAN   0/16
LINUX-USER   0/19
LINUXHELP   0/1155
LINUX   0/22002
LINUX_BBS   0/957
mail   18.68
mail_fore_ok   249
MENSA   0/341
MODERATOR   0/102
MONTE   0/992
MOSCOW_OKLAHOMA   0/1245
MUFFIN   0/783
MUSIC   0/321
N203_STAT   894
N203_SYSCHAT   313
NET203   321
NET204   69
NET_DEV   0/10
NORD.ADMIN   0/101
NORD.CHAT   0/2572
NORD.FIDONET   189
NORD.HARDWARE   0/28
NORD.KULTUR   0/114
NORD.PROG   0/32
NORD.SOFTWARE   0/88
NORD.TEKNIK   0/58
NORD   0/453
OCCULT_CHAT   0/93
OS2BBS   0/787
OS2DOSBBS   0/580
OS2HW   0/42
OS2INET   0/37
OS2LAN   0/134
OS2PROG   0/36
OS2REXX   0/113
OS2USER-L   207
OS2   0/4779
OSDEBATE   0/18996
PASCAL   0/490
PERL   0/457
PHP   0/45
POINTS   0/405
POLITICS   0/29554
POL_INC   0/14731
PSION   103
R20_ADMIN   1117
R20_AMATORRADIO   0/2
R20_BEST_OF_FIDONET   13
R20_CHAT   0/893
R20_DEPP   0/3
R20_DEV   399
R20_ECHO2   1379
R20_ECHOPRES   0/35
R20_ESTAT   0/719
R20_FIDONETPROG...
...RAM.MYPOINT
  0/2
R20_FIDONETPROGRAM   0/22
R20_FIDONET   0/248
R20_FILEFIND   0/24
R20_FILEFOUND   0/22
R20_HIFI   0/3
R20_INFO2   2632
R20_INTERNET   0/12940
R20_INTRESSE   0/60
R20_INTR_KOM   0/99
R20_KANDIDAT.CHAT   42
R20_KANDIDAT   28
R20_KOM_DEV   112
R20_KONTROLL   0/13030
R20_KORSET   0/18
R20_LOKALTRAFIK   0/24
R20_MODERATOR   0/1852
R20_NC   76
R20_NET200   245
R20_NETWORK.OTH...
...ERNETS
  0/13
R20_OPERATIVSYS...
...TEM.LINUX
  0/44
R20_PROGRAMVAROR   0/1
R20_REC2NEC   534
R20_SFOSM   0/340
R20_SF   0/108
R20_SPRAK.ENGLISH   0/1
R20_SQUISH   107
R20_TEST   2
R20_WORST_OF_FIDONET   12
RAR   0/9
RA_MULTI   106
RA_UTIL   0/162
REGCON.EUR   0/2055
REGCON   0/13
SCIENCE   0/1206
SF   0/239
SHAREWARE_SUPPORT   0/5146
SHAREWRE   0/14
SIMPSONS   0/169
STATS_OLD1   0/2539.065
STATS_OLD2   0/2530
STATS_OLD3   0/2395.095
STATS_OLD4   0/1692.25
SURVIVOR   0/495
SYSOPS_CORNER   0/3
SYSOP   0/84
TAGLINES   0/112
TEAMOS2   0/4530
TECH   0/2617
TEST.444   0/105
TRAPDOOR   0/19
TREK   0/755
TUB   0/290
UFO   0/40
UNIX   0/1316
USA_EURLINK   0/102
USR_MODEMS   0/1
VATICAN   0/2740
VIETNAM_VETS   0/14
VIRUS   0/378
VIRUS_INFO   0/201
VISUAL_BASIC   0/473
WHITEHOUSE   0/5187
WIN2000   0/101
WIN32   0/30
WIN95   0/4275
WIN95_OLD1   0/70272
WINDOWS   0/1517
WWB_SYSOP   0/419
WWB_TECH   0/810
ZCC-PUBLIC   0/1
ZEC   4

 
4DOS   0/134
ABORTION   0/7
ALASKA_CHAT   0/506
ALLFIX_FILE   0/1313
ALLFIX_FILE_OLD1   0/7997
ALT_DOS   0/152
AMATEUR_RADIO   0/1039
AMIGASALE   0/14
AMIGA   0/331
AMIGA_INT   0/1
AMIGA_PROG   0/20
AMIGA_SYSOP   0/26
ANIME   0/15
ARGUS   0/924
ASCII_ART   0/340
ASIAN_LINK   0/651
ASTRONOMY   0/417
AUDIO   0/92
AUTOMOBILE_RACING   0/105
BABYLON5   0/17862
BAG   135
BATPOWER   0/361
BBBS.ENGLISH   0/382
BBSLAW   0/109
BBS_ADS   0/5290
BBS_INTERNET   0/507
BIBLE   0/3563
BINKD   0/1119
BINKLEY   0/215
BLUEWAVE   0/2173
CABLE_MODEMS   0/25
CBM   0/46
CDRECORD   0/66
CDROM   0/20
CLASSIC_COMPUTER   0/378
COMICS   0/15
CONSPRCY   0/899
COOKING   27601
COOKING_OLD1   0/24719
COOKING_OLD2   0/40862
COOKING_OLD3   0/37489
COOKING_OLD4   0/35496
COOKING_OLD5   9370
C_ECHO   0/189
C_PLUSPLUS   0/31
DIRTY_DOZEN   0/201
DOORGAMES   0/1974
DOS_INTERNET   0/196
duplikat   5999
ECHOLIST   0/18295
EC_SUPPORT   0/318
ELECTRONICS   0/359
ELEKTRONIK.GER   1534
ENET.LINGUISTIC   0/13
ENET.POLITICS   0/4
ENET.SOFT   0/11701
ENET.SYSOP   33773
ENET.TALKS   0/32
ENGLISH_TUTOR   0/2000
EVOLUTION   0/1335
FDECHO   0/217
FDN_ANNOUNCE   0/7068
FIDONEWS   23439
FIDONEWS_OLD1   0/49742
FIDONEWS_OLD2   0/35949
FIDONEWS_OLD3   0/30874
FIDONEWS_OLD4   0/37224
Möte FUNNY, 4886 texter
 lista första sista föregående nästa
Text 4634, 400 rader
Skriven 2006-09-01 05:18:57 av George Pope (1:153/715.1275)
     Kommentar till en text av Greg Sears
Ärende: Wow
===========
On (01 Sep 06) Greg Sears wrote to George Pope...
 GS>    >  GP> He said, "Well, that'd be once annually, on Mondays, and
 GS>    >    > once cuntally, on Thursdays, and you can just blow me the
 GS>    >    > other 5 days!
 GS>    >
 GS>    > Minnie turned to Max with open lips.....blowing on Max! [;-)))
 GS>
 GS>  GP> And the judge exonerrated Max with a judgement of "justifiable
 GS>    > homicide"!
 GS>
 GS>    What judge was that then, they were in the corridor? [;-?]

When he was arrested, later, for killing her, and taken to criminal
court, of course!  Pay attention to the story after the part you tell &
it all becomes clear!


I work in a court reporting office; in addition to my normal
computer-related duties, I also proofread deposition transcripts
during busy times.

I've built up a pretty long list of humorous things that occasionally
occur; unintentional (or intentional) double-entendres, witnesses
(and lawyers) not paying attention to what they're really saying, and
so forth.

Here are some of the better ones that I (and some others in the
office) have run across.

*** Names have been changed to protect all parties. ***

      Q     I hate to be nosy, but how old are you?
      A     Forty-three.  That's okay.  You're nosy enough.
            You might as well put that in.

                      * * * * * * * *

      Q     Did she appear to be in any pain?  In other words,
            just looking at her, did she look like she was hurting?
      A     She's so ugly it looks like she hurts all the time.

                         * * * * * * * *

            ATTORNEY:  I object to that as being a question
            impossible to answer; outside this person's expertise;
            and I don't know what it means.

                         * * * * * * * *

            DEF ATT:  I object to that as being an improper
            question and this man cannot answer the question.
            PLTF ATT:  Go sit on it.

                        * * * * * * * *

      Q     What happened in that accident?
      A     I was going around the corner and it was
            wet and rainy outside, and I kind of slid down an
            embankment and went into some bushes.
      Q     Were the police called out to that?
      A     A state trooper came out.  And he gave me
            a careless driving ticket because he told me he had
            to give me a ticket.  I didn't fight it, because it
            was my word against the bushes, I guess you could
            say.

                         * * * * * * * *

         THE WITNESS:  The relevant question here is --
         ATTORNEY 1:  Well, why don't you let her ask a question?
         ATTORNEY 2:  Let her ask --
         THE WITNESS:  I thought you did.  Okay.
         ATTORNEY 3:  I thought I did, too.
         ATTORNEY 1:  Well, I don't know what it is.
         ATTORNEY 3:  The witness does, and I do.
         THE WITNESS:  What's your question?

                         * * * * * * * *

      Q     Dr. Smith, how are you --
      A     Just fine.
      Q     Pardon?
      A     Just fine.  I'm ready to go.
      Q     Okay.  Great.  How are you employed?

                         * * * * * * * *

      A     You've got to figure I'm a pretty conservative lady.
            This is the first concert I had ever been to.
      Q     Of any kind?
      A     Well, I take that back.  I went to Jerry Lee Lewis
            when I was 16 years old.
      Q     There was no shooting at that concert, was there?
      A     No.  A whole lot of shaking going on, but
            no shooting.

                         * * * * * * * *

    Q     What was your attorney's name?
    A     It was John Smith, right here in Tampa.
          LAWYER 1:  Right out the window.
          THE WITNESS:  Right.  So what I'm getting --
          LAWYER 2:  Let the record be clear that
          Mr. Smith is not hanging out the window.
          THE WITNESS:  I don't know.  Knowing John, he could be.



      Q     Is that the only license you hold?
      A     I have a marriage license.
      Q     You're not a realtor or a plumber or
            anything else like that?
      A     No.  They don't require a license to have
            children, which they should.

                         * * * * * * * *

     Q     And the serratus anterior nerve that --
           or the nerves that go to it, where do they come from?
     A     The neck, the cervical region.
     Q     From the cervical region?
     A     Yes.
     Q     And did you do any examination of his cervical --
           of his cervix -- to determine if there was any problem
           with his nerves going through his neck?
     A     He doesn't have a cervix, but, yes, I examined the biceps.

                         * * * * * * * *

      Q     How long have you been married to her?
      A     Nineteen years.
      Q     Is that your only marriage?
      A     Yes, it is, that I know of.

                         * * * * * * * *

      Q     Do you recall discussing with John Smith that
            if you were in a deposition or anything like that
            and you don't want to give the right answer, all
            you have to say is, "I don't know.
            I don't recall"?
      A     No.  I don't remember.

                         * * * * * * * *

     Q     No one went with you from Foobar to assist
           you.  Correct?
     A     It seems to me -- not from Foobar.  Like I said,
           it was a long time ago.  I mean, my memory is as
           short as my peter.

                         * * * * * * * *

      A     Obsessive-compulsive symptoms:  Sometimes checks his
            own activities.  Suicidal and homicidal ideations:
            Sometimes he has suicidal ideations regarding his car
            or truck every couple of days, particularly following
            contact with his attorney.

                         * * * * * * * *

      Q     Do you recall if you had any alcohol or
            anything to drink prior to the concert?
      A     Yes, I did.
      Q     What did you have, if you remember?
      A     I think I had a Fuzzy Navel.
      Q     You ought to have a doctor look at that.
            Just kidding.

                         * * * * * * * *

      Q     Do you consider him to be competent in that area?
      A     I don't know.  I don't have any basis to remark
            about the competency of his engineering.
            I do know he's dead.

                         * * * * * * * *

      A     There are very few production places in
            North Dakota.
            ATTORNEY:  Generally speaking, there
            are very few places in North Dakota.

                         * * * * * * * *

      Q     And where does sandblasting fit in your scale
            of being a prestigious job?  Do you think that's
            a prestigious job?
      A     Yes, sir.
      Q     Okay.  More so than working in a factory, I guess.
      A     Yes, sir.
      Q     Everybody's entitled to their opinion, I guess.
            I don't know.  Maybe you're right.
            MR. JONES:  Ranks above lawyers.
            MR. SMITH:  Yeah, I bet.
            MR. JONES:  Because everybody does that.
            MR. SMITH:  Yeah.


     Q     Do you have any reason to believe that the decision
           to have Mr. Jones, Mr. Brown and yourself work on Foobar
           products to the exclusion of the EMS products listed in
           group 3 and 4 of Exhibit -- of the December 5 chart was
           made or --
           MR. SMITH:  Can you read that back, and maybe I can try
           and figure out what I wanted to ask.

                         * * * * * * * *

      Q     Oh, okay.  So you had a conversation with Mr. Smith
            about the SeaTower at some point --
      A     Yes.
      Q     -- prior to his death?

                         * * * * * * * *

     Q    And what is it about that particular night that you
          recall that you didn't eat at the Holiday Inn?
     A    What is it that I remember that I didn't eat?

                         * * * * * * * *

     Q    What was Linda drinking, if anything?
     A    She was drinking one of them -- one of them lady drinks.
          I don't know what it was.
     Q    She had about the same as you?
     A    No.  Huh-uh.  She doesn't drink much.  She'll just have
          one drink, and she'll suck on it all night long.

                         * * * * * * * *

     Q     Next time you saw him?
     A     August 12, 1991.  Checked tonsils -- no,
           I'm sorry, checked testicle.  Must be mother asking.
           But I didn't find anything wrong with testicle.  On
           the contrary, I noticed there was an ear problem.

                         * * * * * * * *

     Q    And Detroit Murphy -- what is that?
          Is that a school or --
     A    It's Mercy, not Murphy.
     Q    Oh, Mercy?
     A    I'm sorry.  Yeah, Mercy.
     Q    Oh, I'm sorry.  Mercy.
     A    Yeah, Detroit Mercy is a college, and they do it like
          through the Jesuit priests program.  They do things with
          young boys.

                         * * * * * * * *

           MR. SMITH:  Let me ask you, sir, to identify what
                       I am going to have marked as Defendant's
                       Exhibit No. 1.
           MR. JONES:  Okay.
           (Exhibit No. 1 marked for identification.)
     A     He has nice big ones.
           MR. JONES:  I have got the same ones,
                       and I had them blown.

                         * * * * * * * *

      Q     Could you please, in your own words,
            describe where you're touching on your body?
      A     Right here.
      Q     All right.  Now, where is "right here"?
      A     Right here.
      Q     Is that your leg?
      A     No, sir.  My leg is here.  That's my stomach.
            I got two stomachs right here.  But he was --
      Q     All right.  You have two stomachs.

                         * * * * * * * *

      Q     Why do you handle the family finances?
      A     Because my mom and sister ain't that bright.

                         * * * * * * * *

     Q     Did you notice any differences in the plaintiff
           during the fishing trip after the accident and the
           times you had been with him before?
     A     Yes.
     Q     Can you tell the jury about that?
     A     After a long period of time holding his rod,
           you could see he had to sit down for a period
           of time.

                         * * * * * * * *

      Q     How far apart are the rungs on the ladder?
      A     They're usually about 12 inches to a foot.


      Q     What did you do for Johnson & Sons Formal Wear?
      A     I was a presser.
      Q     Who was your boss there?
      A     I forget his name.  He's the owner.
            MR. SMITH:  Johnson.
      A     Yeah.  It's a father-and-son operation.

                         * * * * * * * *

      Q     You don't have any intention of dismissing Jane Smith
            anytime soon, do you?
      A     No. Sometimes I wish I could eat her, and other times
            you want to hug her up and kiss her nose.

                         * * * * * * * *

      A     Mr. Jones and I had had a disagreement, the exact
            nature of which I don't remember, but it was over some
            aspect of my work that he wanted me to perform in
            a manner different than, I guess, I was performing it.
            And Mr. Jones's -- excuse my language coming up --
            Mr. Jones said, "If you f*ck with me, I'll kill you."
      Q     When he said, "If you f*ck with me, I'll kill you,"
            how did you interpret that?

                         * * * * * * * *

      Q     Has anybody else ever threatened to kill you?
      A     No.  Somebody put a gun to my neck once,
            but I don't think he threatened to use it.
      Q     Was that in an employment contact or not?
      A     No.  It was a social contact.

                         * * * * * * * *

      Q     Is there a difference between a reconditioned
            and rebuilt piece of equipment in your mind,
            if you have one?

                         * * * * * * * *

      Q     So the first thing that you heard was the one
            that you overheard with Mr. Jones stating that
            he didn't want any women in his department.  And
            then second time when you were in this exact
            conversation would have been after the first time?

                         * * * * * * * *

      Q     Have you tried any type of rehabilitation
            or work retraining?
      A     No.  No, sir.
      Q     Why not?
      A     Because I ain't too bright.

                         * * * * * * * *

      Q     And, Doctor, are you a member of the
            profession?  Correct?
      A     What profession?
      Q     The medical profession.
      A     Oh, yes, sir.
      Q     And what profession are you a member of?
      A     The medical profession.

                         * * * * * * * *

      Q     I would like you to turn to the next page,
            dated June 9, 1993.
      A     Yes.
      Q     Do you recall this incident occurring?
      A     Yes.  The night before that I had eaten at
            Beachcomber's Restaurant.  And I had crab.
            And I had vomited in the --
      Q     I assure you on this question a simple
            "Yes" or "No" will do.

                         * * * * * * * *

     Q    Anything else you like to do a lot?
     A    Look out the window.
     Q    Have you got a good view?
     A    No.
     Q    You just like to look out there?
     A    Yeah.
     Q    What can you see from your window?
     A    The apartments in front of us.
     Q    I guess there's usually a lot of activity out there.
     A    Not no more.
     Q    How come?
     A    The drug dealer moved away.



Your Moderator and all-round friend/servant,
<+]::-{(} ("Cyberpope")
Internet: gapope@vcn.bc.ca
1)If you don't like a joke, post 2-3 examples of what you DO like!
B)If you DO like a joke, say thank-you with 2-3 jokes of your own! :)
My Preferred Netmail address is: 1:153/715.1275
ICQ UIN: 32617950

(I am the Bishop of ROM!)

--- PPoint 1.76
 * Origin: Cyberpope pointing via Bandmaster BBS! (1:153/715.1275)