Text 493, 141 rader
Skriven 2004-10-27 01:26:32 av DAVE COBLE (1:123/140)
     Kommentar till en text av CINDY HAGLUND
Ärende: Your Orgasm Face
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I'd like to take a moment to talk about an important device in your sexual
toolbox: your orgasm face.

Do you know what yours looks like? Next time you're with your lover, ask
him or her for a description. Trust me, they'll be happy to provide one,
with the same sort of helpful imitation as they use when demonstrating your
snoring for house guests. Most likely you'll see your partner twist his or
her face into a pained grimace of soul-wrenching anguish, such as might be
seen on a small woman who was giving birth to a luxury sedan.
Most orgasm faces are wild, uncontrolled, and about as erotic as watching
someone get a root canal. And sometimes this is exactly what you want.
There are times when the sex is so fantastic you actually experience a
phylogenic reversion and drop back a few evolutionary steps to the
invertebrate stage, and that's great. But that shouldn't be your only
expression. Sometimes the look on your face is what tips your lover over
the edge, and it's worthwhile to have a few in reserve.

The Lotto Winner

This is the unbelievably happy, open-mouthed grin of a person who can't
comprehend their good fortune, the one that makes you look as if any minute
now you're going to yodel. Think of the hysterical housewives on "The Price
is Right" when they win a car, or the teenage girls in old Beatles
newsreels. Ideal for your first time, or for your first time with someone
you'll admit to publicly.

The Joan

A "Joan" is what you have during a religious experience. An expression of
wonder, of blissful joy, of transcendent pleasure enfolding the Divine, as
if in the final moments of your lovemaking you were abruptly touched by
God, which is a pretty freaky thought all by itself. An excellent
expression for the romantic, it's often seen during a person's first
encounter with oral sex.

The Scream

Remember what Christopher Reeve looked like when he was Superman in the
first movie and he hadn't stopped the missile in time and there were
earthquakes and he'd just saved Jimmy and dammed up a little model city and
he found Lois but she was dead and he was too late and he takes screams
loud enough to kill her if she wasn't dead already? That's the one. You'll
need that for the first time someone discovers your G-spot and/or prostate,
especially if they have cold hands.

The Clincher

So called because this one is guaranteed to utterly melt the heart and
crotchal region of anyone. Just as you feel the edge of the orgasm hit,
quietly but forcefully say your lover's name to get their attention and
then maintain eye contact as you spasm, letting your lover see exactly the
effect their actions are having on you. Keep your eyes open the whole time
and try to keep your expression under control; the combination is
devastating. Avoid using it during encounters when eye contact is
problematic, when there's more than four people involved, or if your loved
one doesn't actually know you and they've just found you standing by their
car in the grocery store parking lot.

The Earnhardt

The triumphant face of a winner after a long and physically demanding
ordeal, especially those that require goggles. Characterized by good
sportsmanship, a determined grin, a cocky attitude, a lot of sweat, and the
intense stare of a person white-water rafting through a canyon pass without
a paddle. Peter North uses this one a lot.

The Power Grunt

A single impassioned "Uh!" followed by an immediate return of decorum.
Perfect for business lunches and people who suffer the ordeals of sex so
the human race can continue.

The Aretha

The one that goes on forever, with a shriek that travels through five
octaves and can crack sheet glass.
The Hamilton

A suave and debonair smile, just enough to signal "Yes, I came, and it was
just fine, thanks" without messing your hair. Often accompanied with a wink
and by making that gun-shooting motion at your lover with your thumb and
forefinger while you click your tongue.

The Oh Shit

What you get when you orgasm immediately after being distracted at a
crucial time, when for a brief second you forgot you were having sex and
were forcefully reminded again with unexpected pelvic spasms.

The Aiken

The kind of face you make when you're nervously enjoying your first gut-
wrenching orgasm after major surgery; you're loving what's happening but
you're not confident enough in the integrity of your stitches to really let
go. This is the one you use for quiet, intimate moments, like when her
parents are still awake. Also often experienced by people trying to do the
Scream when they don't look like Chris Reeve.

The Mona

This serene expression signals the mutually-agreed-upon ending of half a
day of tantric non-effort, not much more than a sign to your lover that
you've peacefully moved past the building-of-shared-kundalinic-energy phase
and into the desperately-needing-a-towel phase.

The What-the

An expression of total and flabbergasted surprise, like you'd get from a
person who kicked a snowball and wiped out a ski lodge. The effect you want
here is the expression that what you're currently experiencing came out of
nowhere and completely snuck up on you. Very handy for pretending that you
never knew you were turned on by latex undergarments, or that you had no
clue your premature ejaculation was going to happen before you even signed
the motel register.

We'll Always Have Paris Hilton

The blurry-deer-in-the-headlights expression of a person almost too drunk
to realize a climax has occurred in their immediate vicinity.
The Squeak Toy

Often seen on women in adult movies, this is the repetitive, involuntary
gasping made when the right spot is suddenly found and the person
performing the expression wishes to make it clear that he or she will kill
you with a cinder block if you don't keep doing whatever it is you're doing
to that spot until you're given written instructions to stop.

The Oscar

The expression of bestial glee that you've practiced in your mirror until
you can snap it off picture perfect at any time. Good for reassuring
husbands, impressing business superiors, and getting rid of dates who have
been pumping away for a damn hour, it seems like.

The Bonus

The delighted, slightly stunned and very grateful expression of someone who
clearly hadn't expected the second orgasm.
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