Text 847, 111 rader
Skriven 2004-12-28 11:48:00 av George Pope
     Kommentar till en text av SEAN DENNIS
Ärende: Joke
============
SD>  GS>> she said "See, it says right here, 'The three wise man came from
SD>  GS>> afar.'"
SD>
SD>  ARS> Please, explain! Thanks.
SD>
SD> It's because people from the South normally have a very thick accent that
SD> makes "a fire" sound like "afar". ;)

Where's your joke or other funny content?

Dang!  Do I have to moderate you AGAIN!!!!

Date:    Mon, 8 Jan 2001 07:59:29 -0500
From:    Jimmy Farrar (via UGA HUMOR Listserv)
Subject: Directive on Southern Manners and Protocol

Clear DayISSUED BY The Southern Tourism Bureau TO All Visiting Northerners
and
Northeastern Urbanites:

1) Don't order filet mignon or pasta primavera at Waffle House. It's just a
diner. They serve breakfast 24 hours a day. Let them cook something they
know. If you confuse them, they'll kick your ass.

2) Don't laugh at our Southern names (Merleen, Bodie, Ovine, Luther Ray,
Tammy Lynn, Darla Beth, Inez, Billy Joe, Sissy, Clovis, etc.), or we will
just HAVE to kick your ass.

3) Don't order a bottle of pop or a can of soda down here. Down here it's
called Coke. Nobody gives a flying damn whether it's Pepsi, RC, Dr. Pepper,
7-Up or whatever--it's still a Coke. Accept it. Doing otherwise can lead to
an ass kicking.

4) We know our heritage. Most of us are more literate than you (e.g.,Welty,
Williams, Faulkner). We are also better educated and generally a lot nicer.
Don't refer to us as a bunch of hillbillies, or we'll kick your ass.

5) We have plenty of business sense (e.g., Fred Smith of FedEx,Turner
Broadcasting, MCI WorldCom, MTV, Netscape). Naturally, we do, sometimes,
have small lapses in judgment (e.g., Carter, Edwards, Duke, Barnes,
Clinton). We don't care if you think we are dumb. We are not dumb enough to
let someone move to our state in order to run for the Senate. If someone
tried to do that, we would kick their ass.

6) Don't laugh at our Civil War monuments. If Lee had listened to
Longstreet and flanked Meade at Gettysburg instead of sending Pickett up
the middle, you'd be paying taxes to Richmond instead of Washington. If you
visit Stone Mountain and complain about the carving, we'll kick your ass.

7) We are fully aware of how high the humidity is, so shut the hell up.
Just spend your money and get the hell out of here, or we'll kick your ass.

8) Don't order wheat toast at Cracker Barrel. Everyone will instantly know
that you're a Yankee. Eat your biscuits like God intended--with gravy. And
don't put sugar on your grits, or we'll kick your ass.

9) Don't fake a Southern accent. This will incite a riot, and you will get
your ass kicked.

10) Don't talk about how much better things are at home because we know
better. Many of us have visited Northern shit holes like Detroit, Chicago,
and DC, and we have the scars to prove it. If you don't like it here, Delta
is ready when you are. Move your ass on home before it gets kicked.

11) Yes, we know how to speak proper English. We talk this way because we
don't want to sound like you. We don't care if you don't understand what we
are saying. All other Southerners understand what we are saying, and that's
all that matters. Now, go away and leave us alone, or we'll kick your ass.

12) Don't complain that the South is dirty and polluted. None of OUR lakes
or rivers have caught fire recently. If you
whine about OUR scenic beauty, we'll kick your ass all the way back to
Boston Harbor.

13) Don't ridicule our Southern manners. We say sir and ma'am. We hold
doors open for others. We offer our seats to old folks because such things
are expected of civilized people. Behave yourselves around our sweet little
grey-haired grandmothers or they'll kick some manners into your ass just
like they did ours.

14) So you think we're quaint or losers because most of us live in the
countryside? That's because we have enough sense to not live in filthy,
smelly, crime-infested cesspools like New York or Newark. Make fun of our
fresh air, and we'll kick your ass.

15) Last, but not least, DO NOT DARE to come down here and tell us how to
cook barbecue. This will get your ass shot (right after it is kicked).
You're lucky we let you come down here at all. Criticize our barbeque, and
you will go home in a pine box--minus your ass.


Bonus FUNNY 'cuz it's smack in the midst of the Solstice Season:
   A soldier who came from the North went back to his camp in Alabama after his
first weekend leave.
   "Boy," he reported happily to his pals, "that you-all Southern drawl is
right up my alley. You ask a Mobile gal for a kiss and before she can say no,
it's too late.


Your Moderator and all-round friend/servant,
<+]::-{(} ("Cyberpope")
Internet: gapope@vcn.bc.ca
1)If you don't like a joke, post 2-3 examples of what you DO like!
B)If you DO like a joke, say thank-you with 2-3 jokes of your own! :)

(AKA the Bishop of ROM!)

... nfx v3.1                                                                 

--- EzyQwk V2.01b005 00F90260
 * Origin: Milky Way, Langley, BC [604] 532-4367 (1:153/307)