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Skriven 2004-12-28 08:43:14 av Greg Sears (1:153/307)
Kommentar till en text av Sean Dennis
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OBStory for Sean
The Saga of Nigel the Hedgehog
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Chapter V
From: I C E-man
Nigel walked to his car, wondering if he would ever be able to forget
Nancy, reluctantly got into his car, for he knew that the lives of
his prickly friends back home depended on the successful reaching
of his goal. As he sped down the road he clung lovingly to the negligee
for emotion support, nothing really seemed to matter anymore, should he
bother to carry on his quest when the one he loved waited for him to
return. After about an hour he was able to let go of the garment and
shoved it in the glove compartment, shoving the used jonnies out of the
way. "How will I continue with my goal without my Nancy?", he sobbed.
Something stirred in the back of the car, Nigel's super senses were
alerted. He turned to see a shape rising from behind the red leather
seats. It was a woman in a nurses outfit with no underwear (Nigel of
course had X-Ray vision) "NANCY!!!!", he exclaimed with passionate joy.
He pulled the car over into the LAY-by and leapt into the back with
Nancy and set about the business. " Careful not to stain the read
leather seats!", gasped Nancy, "Sod em!! And don't talk with your mouth
full", replied Nigel. As Nigel enjoyed this welcome break from his
mission he was little aware of who was watching him from a black limo' a
few hundred yards behind him......
The black limo sauntered up to the Road-hog, the two people totally
mesmerized by the resonating rocking motion that the car had been
undergoing these past few minutes ( sorry hours - it would never do if
our hero was finished prematurely now would it?? - damn this is getting
incredibly implicative and rather dirty ) and they couldn't understand
what could possibly be going on in there. That is basically because
villains are always thick sods with striped shirts and loot bags.
Anyway both partners were totally knackered not to mention naked at the
end of all this and eventually climbed out from deep inside the
wonderfully plush (not so plush any more) leather seat only to be held
at strychnine-gunpoint by the two villains. Nigel lashed out for his
utility belt - it wasn't on him. For not the first time in his highly
adventurous life Nigel froze. "Help", wimpered Nancy as the apparent
kidnappers moved in...
Nigel sat, thinking of how easily he could disarm these thugs and
escape, but he thought that he would wait to find out who had hired
them. He tried to scratch an itch, but his hands were tied. When the car
finally arrived at it's destination, Nigel was forced out of the car,
grabbing the utility belt as he did so. He was brought into a huge room,
with, at the far end an occupied chair, in front of a bright light.
Nigel could not make out the identity of the occupant, but he saw a hand
dismiss him from the room. Before he was locked into the cell, Nigel was
searched, but the thug somehow missed seeing the packed belt ( Why do
evil overlords never use bright men, this one was so dull that even a
day's polish with brasso wouldn't give him a shine ! ). When the guard's
back was turned Nigel examined his belt. He tried to find his skeleton
keys, but remembered they had been animated by an evil necromancer, his
lock-picks were dropped into the canal after a particularly unsuccessful
play on words. Ever resourceful, Nigel pulled out one of his own spines
to pick the lock with. As he tried the door, he discovered it was open
anyway ( where do they get them from ? ), and set about dealing with the
guard. The guard, spinning around impressively ( So that was why he was
hired, he did that spin very well ! ), to confront Nigel. Nigel pulled a
gun, and pressed the trigger. A bright red flag, with BANG written on it
emerged. He drew a knife, and stabbed the guard, but it was a
telescopic, stage knife. He tried to garotte the guard, but the string
broke. He drew a sword, but it was a rubber one. He pulled out a poison
bottle, but it contained aspirin. His blowpipe had been converted back
into a pen. By this time the guard was rolling about on the floor in
paroxysms of laughter, and then had a heart attack from the exertion.
Nigel and Nancy escaped.
Well not escaped exactly. Although they were safe from the clutches of
the dim-witted guard (or should it be plural?) they still had to find
out who was the overlord, and why did want to stand in the way of
Nigel's goal ? "phewwwwwwwwwww, that was close" Nigel muttered as he and
Nancy climbed over a small brick wall. My god, Nancy had beautiful legs
Nigel thought as she straddled the wall with ease. He wanted another
back-seat session with his steamy seductress, nay he must find out who
was behind this fiendish hedgehog/sheep-nap. (By the way, what kind of
creature is Nancy anyway - sheep seems familiar). But Nigel supposed
there was just about time for a quickie. He manfully tugged Nancy by her
slender (for a sheep) wrists toward an inconspicuous bush. Next to the
bush was a small sign with the order, "NO BONKING", printed upon it.
Nigel had no time for such trivial notices. As they went behind the bush
Nancy tore off her clothes (scarce though they were), instantaneously
randy. Nigel lay on his back, undid his utility belt and welcomed
Nancy's warm (a bit to warm at climax), heaving body. Then as they began
exchanging bodily fluids the earth did move, literally, as a trap door
beneath them opened sending them swirling spiralitically(?) down ...
Nigel would take more notice of small signs next to inconspicuous bushes
in the future ! cor what a pisser ...
Nigel was now plunged into darkness. He could see nothing, feel nothing,
touch nothing or hear nothing. Fortunately, he could still smell and
took a deep breath - it smelt just like a dark room! After a few
minutes, he came back to his senses and a bright light shone from before
him. He saw the silhouette of two sheep(s) standing up, arm in arm. As
his eyes re-adjusted to the bright light, he noticed one of the sheep
was Nancy!
He cried out for Nancy but she was too engrossed with this other 'alien'
sheep. Then the other sheep spoke and told him that Nancy was his - she
had just lured Nigel to this place. Nancy confirmed this and told Nigel
she had never loved him - and thought he had as much sexual stimulation
as a golf ball. Nigel had been betrayed! They shut the door, locked it
and walked away, laughing. Nigel was left there in this deep, dark
cellar all alone.
Nigel was hurt, not only was he a super-hedgehog, but he had never had a
complaint about his amazing sexual prowess before. In fact words such as
"Big-Boy", "Hung like a Blue-Whale", "More staying power than Mr Jack
Staying-Power McStaying-Power, the man with the most Staying_Power in
Staying-Power Land" and the best thing to happen to women since the
diesel powered vibrator. He fastened his utility belt and walked
slowly to the door, disheartened as all that he valued had been false.
Was it worth going on? He then realized that this is exactly what the
overlord wanted him to think, to make him give up his goal and wallow in
self pity. He was more of a man than that (well more of a hedgehog) and
would rise above it. Now, even more determined to beat the overlord and
save his prickly friends back home, he strode to the door, looked at
his utility belt and selected a junior hacksaw. Using his "Saw like
buggery" skill he deftly reduced the door to a large pile of wood
shavings. He left the room and walked stealthily down the brushed
aluminium corridor, past many unmarked doors, he reached the end of the
passage, a T junction, there was a sign:
------------------------------------------------------------------------
| ++ ++ +++++ +++ ++ ++ ++ +++++++++ |
| + + + + + + + + + + + + |
| + + + ++++ + + + + + |
| + ++ + + + + + + ++ ++++++++ + |
| + + + + + + + + + + + + |
| ++ ++ + + +++ ++ ++ ++ + |
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Would he follow it or would he again ignore a sign and go left?
Well, so what to do, Right, Left or straight ahead. Straight ahead was
ruled out, brick walls are fairly sturdy. Was the sign a good idea or a
bluff, or a double bluff, or a treble bluff, or what ! Pulling a coin
out of his money belt ( a subsection of his utility belt ), he threw it
in the air, heads for left, tails for right. It came down heads ( Not
surprising for a double-headed coin, well you didn't think Nigel would
obey signs did you ! ), and Nigel turned left. He followed the passage
until it came out of a hidden entrance, on a hill. All he had to do was
to lead an army of hedgehogs up here to storm the evil overlord, he
almost started to buckle his swash, when he realized he was daydreaming
stealthily crept towards the door, then took two paces back and charged
towards the door. SMACK ... his small hedgehog-like frame caused no
damage whatsoever on the solid oak door. Instead Nigel thought he should
try a different ploy ... KNOCK, KNOCK, KNOCK ...
"Who's there?", was the reply from the other side as could be expected.
"Nigel" replied our hero using his o-so-sexy let's have a chortle skill
( one of many in his repertoire ). "Nigel who??", was the reply from a
rather agitated being whose voice was almost recognizable. "Nigel my
hair every morning", came the super-witty, piece-de-resistance, line
which he had been saving up to use all his life. Well, did he chortle or
did he CHORTLE? He rolled about the floor smashing into the oak door on
numerous occasions, rolled down one of those open gutters, down through
the sewage pipes, up backwards past the towers, through a skylight,
bounced off some sheep in wolf's clothing, and landed back in front of
an open oak door. There stood the overlord staring at this extremely
dubious round prickly thing, whilst playing with...
* *
### Merry Christmas ###
##### Happy New Year #####
= I C E-man =
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* Origin: Milky Way, Langley, BC [604] 532-4367 (1:153/307)
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