Text 434, 164 rader
Skriven 2004-11-16 16:19:00 av JIM HOLSONBACK (1:123/140)
     Kommentar till en text av WAYNE CHIRNSIDE
Ärende: Re: SPAM
================
Hello, Wayne.

First, something on-topic - - are you still operating a box there with
Win3.1X - if so, did you ever get ahold of the Workgroup extensions,
which will let you network a Win3.1x machine with a Win9x machine via
ethernet?? (simple peer-to-peer network).

-=> WAYNE CHIRNSIDE wrote to HOWIE COOMBE <=-

 WC> Attacked by 12 dogs and a cat he's never retaliated so I have to
 WC> divert or drive off the animals injuring my Pit Bull.

I was going to suggest you get a Tazer, but after reading what happened
to poor Tim (see below), maybe not.

 WC> Owned by skinhead Jimmy Nation "Brutus" is not trained at all and
 WC> the owner had no control of the animal which proceeded to try to
 WC> kill my dog Spanky.

If the owner can't control the beast while on a leash, he should get rid
of it, or have it euthanized.

<  >
 WC> Brutus's eyes looked back at Spanky and the pressure on my
 WC> hand eased and I took the opportunity to get myself and my animal to
 WC> safety while Brutus dragged it's owner 25 feet down the street
 WC> snapping, snarling and frothing at the mouth we got clear enough he
 WC> lost interest.
 WC> A month later all the holes in the dog were closed up and several
 WC> months later I got back most of the use of my hand.

I think that SOAB might not survive attacking me and my pet a second
time.  Second choice - MACE, sprayed directly to the eye and nose area.
Third choice - a boxcutter with retractable blade, kept in back pocket,
applied directly to throat area.  If his jaws don't relax before he
loses consciousness, pry his jaws apart later.

 WC> Of course many who elect to own this breed are irresponsible
 WC> and have no intention of owning a safe and docile animal :-(

Agreed.  I say such folk should go to jail.  Some of them think they
are training a watchdog or guard dog, but end up with a dog which is
quite prone to attack other animals, children, or even adults.

 *********************
Subject: The Tazer, the Dogs, and Miss Rachel

Dear Friends and Family,

Miss Rachel is fond of saying that my last words on this earth will be
something akin to, "Hey y'all, hold my beer and watch this!" Well,
I have outdone myself once again. Here goes.  Last weekend I spied something
at Larry's Pistol and Pawn that tickled my fancy. (Note: Keep in mind that
my "fancy" is easily tickled. Rachel sent me into Publix to pick up some
milk yesterday and I bought a superball in the checkout line--50 cents.

What a bargain! It tickled my fancy--still does. That thing bounces
soooooo high, and it has provided me with hours of entertainment. It
 just doesn't get any better than that, now does it?)

I'm so easily distracted. That dang superball is so much fun. So what were
we talking about? Oh yeah, I bought something really cool at Larry's Pistol
and Pawn last Saturday. The occasion was our 18th anniversary and I was
looking for a little something extra for my sweet girl. What I came across
was a 100,000 volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer gun with a clip. For those of
you who are not familiar with this product, it is a less-than-lethal stun
gun with two metal prongs designed to incapacitate an assailant with ashock
of high-voltage, low amperage electricity while you flee to safety. The
effects are supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affecton
your assailant, but allowing you adequate time to retreat to safety. You
simply jab the prongs into your 250 lb. tattooed assailant, push thebutton,
and it will render him a slobbering, goggle-eyed, muscle-twitching,
whimpering, pencil-neck geek. If you've never seen one of these things in
action, then you're truly missing out--way too cool!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two
triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was
so  disappointed. Upon reading the directions (we don't need no stinkin'
directions), I found much to my chagrin that this particular model wouldnot
create an arch between the prongs. How disappointing! I do love fire for
effect. I learned that if I pushed the button, however, and pressed it
against a metal surface that I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting
back and forth between the prongs that I was so looking forward to. I did
so. Awesome!!! Sparks, a blue arch of electricity, and a loud pop!!!
Yipeeeeee . . . I'm easily amused, just fyi, but I have yet to explain to
Rachel what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave . . .Hooboy.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it
couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries, etc., etc.There
I sat in my recliner, my Dobies Mako and Zora looking on intently (trusting
little twerps), reading the directions (that would be me, not them), and
thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood
target. I must admit I thought about zapping Mako for a fraction of a
second and thought better of it. She is such a sweet doggy, after all. But,
if I was going to give this thing to Rachel to protect herself against a
mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I
wrong? Was I wrong to think that? Seemed reasonable to me at the time .

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses
perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, Tazer
in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and
disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle
spasms and a loss of bodily control; a three-second burst wouldp urportedly
make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. All the
while I'm looking at this little device (measuring about 5" long, less than
3/4 inch in circumference, pretty cute really, and loaded with two itsy,
bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to myself, "no friggin' way!"
Friggin' way--trust me, but I'm getting ahead of myself.

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.
Those of you who know me well have got a pretty good idea of what followed.
I'm sitting there alone, Mako and Zora looking on with their heads cockedto
one side as to say, "Don't do it dumbass," reasoning that a one-second
burst from such a tiny lil' ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad (sound,
rational thinking under the circumstances, wouldn't you agree?). I decided
to give myself a one-second burst just for the hell of it.

Note: You know, a bad decision is like hindsight--always twenty-twenty.
It is so obvious that it was a bad decision after the fact, even though it
seemed so right at the time. Don't ya hate that?) I touched the prongs to
my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY **************!DAaaaauuuuuuMN!!!

I'm pretty sure that Jessie Ventura ran in through the front door, picked
me up out of that recliner, then body slammed me on the carpet over andover
again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, nipples
on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, soaking wet, with my left armtucked
under my body in the oddest position. Mako was standing over me making
whimpering sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly
thinking to herself, "Do it again dumbass, do it again!" (Note:  If you ever
feel compelled to mug yourself with a Tazer, one note of caution. There is
no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself.  You're not going
to let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent
thrashing about on the floor. Then, if you're lucky, you won't dislodge one
of the prongs 1/4" deep in your thigh like yours truly.)

SON-OF-A-***** that hurt! A minute/so later (I can't be sure, as time was a
relative thing at this point), I collected my wits (what little I had left),
sat up and surveyed the landscape. My reading glasses were on the mantel of
the fireplace. How did they get there??? My triceps, right thigh and both
titties were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with
Novocain, as my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. +/- an ounce/two, I'm pretty
sure. By the way, has anyone seen my testicles? I think they ran away. I'm
offering a reward. They're round, rather large, kinda hairy, and handsome if
I must say so myself. They make a clanging sound, and were last seen hanging
from Rachel's rearview mirror.

Miss 'em . . . sure would like to get 'em back.
NOTE TO MEN: DO NOT buy your wife a Tazer gun. Rachel's is broke now and it
may be awhile before I get around to fixing the damn thing.

NOTE TO WOMEN: Buy lots of batteries . . . think of the possibilities.

This message is provided to you as a public service to illustrate thatstupid
should hurt, and most assuredly always does in my case. Have a nice day!

Tim
***********************




... Bother, said Pooh, as he tried to think of someting on-topic to add.
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