Text 579, 202 rader
Skriven 2004-11-28 14:39:56 av Howie Coombe
     Kommentar till en text av Jim Holsonback
Ärende: Re: SPAM
================
Dear Jim, in regards to this message to me.

 >  ********************* Subject: The Tazer, the Dogs, and Miss Rachel


Good title.

 > Dear Friends and Family,


Yes?.

 > Miss Rachel is fond of saying that my last words on this earth will be      
> something akin to,


Yes?.

 > "Hey y'all,


Yes?.

 > hold my beer and watch this!"


In otherwords MR Tim is a clown.

 > Well,


Yes?.

 > I have outdone myself once again.


How so?.

 > Here goes.


Aha.

 > Last weekend I spied something at Larry's Pistol and Pawn that tickled my   
> fancy.


Aha.

 > (Note: Keep in mind that my "fancy" is easily tickled.


Noted.

 > Rachel sent me into Publix to pick up some milk yesterday and I bought a    
> superball in the checkout line--50 cents.


Example noted.

 > What a bargain!


How much are they normally?.

 > It tickled my fancy--still does.


Aha, how so?, What Exactly is a "superball"?, are there any on topic
equivelents to it?.

 > That thing bounces soooooo high,


How high?.

 > and it has provided me with hours of entertainment.


Me thinks you Are easily entertained.

 > It just doesn't get any better than that,


Doen't it?.

 > now does it?)


It would seem not.

 > I'm so easily distracted.


It would seem.

 > That dang superball is so much fun.


Aha.

 > So what were we talking about?


Tazers, the dogs and the wife?.

 > Oh yeah,


You remember?.

 > I bought something really cool at Larry's Pistol and Pawn last Saturday.


Aha.

 > The occasion was our 18th anniversary and I was looking for a little        
> something extra for my sweet girl.


Aha, happy anniversary.

 > What I came across was a 100,000 volt,


Thats a lotta voltage.

 > pocket/purse-sized Tazer gun with a clip.


For her or for him do you recon?, anyway TTFN.

 For those of you     > who are not familiar with this product, it is a
less-than-lethal stun gun    > with two metal prongs designed to incapacitate
an assailant with a shock of  > high-voltage, low amperage electricity while
you flee to safety. The         > effects are supposed to be short lived, with
no long-term adverse affect on  > your assailant, but allowing you adequate
time to retreat to safety. You     > simply jab the prongs into your 250 lb.
tattooed assailant, push the         > button, and it will render him a
slobbering, goggle-eyed, muscle-twitching,  > whimpering, pencil-neck geek. If
you've never seen one of these things in    > action, then you're truly missing
out--way too cool! Long story short, I     > bought the device and brought it
home. I loaded two triple-a batteries in    > the darn thing and pushed the
button. Nothing! I was so disappointed. Upon   > reading the directions (we
don't need no stinkin' directions), I found much  > to my chagrin that this
particular model would not create an arch between    > the prongs. How
disappointing! I do love fire for effect. I learned that if  > I pushed the
button, however, and pressed it against a metal surface that    > I'd get the
blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the      > prongs that
I was so looking forward to. I did so. Awesome!!! Sparks, a      > blue arch of
electricity, and a loud pop!!! Yipeeeeee . . . I'm easily       > amused, just
fyi, but I have yet to explain to Rachel what that burn spot    > is on the
face of her microwave . . .Hooboy. Okay, so I was home alone with  > this new
toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only  > two
triple-a batteries, etc., etc. There I sat in my recliner, my Dobies     > Mako
and Zora looking on intently (trusting little twerps), reading the      >
directions (that would be me, not them), and thinking that I really needed   >
to try this thing out on a flesh and blood target. I must admit I thought    >
about zapping Mako for a fraction of a second and thought better of it. She  >
is such a sweet doggy, after all. But, if I was going to give this thing to  >
Rachel to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that   >
it would work as advertised. Am I wrong? Was I wrong to think that? Seemed   >
reasonable to me at the time. So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a      >
tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my      >
nose, directions in one hand, Tazer in another. The directions said that a   >
one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second      >
burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a loss of bodily control; a    >
three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground  >
like a fish out of water. All the while I'm looking at this little device    >
(measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference, pretty cute   >
really, and loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to      >
myself, "no friggin' way!" Friggin' way--trust me, but I'm getting ahead of  >
myself. What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my      >
best. Those of you who know me well have got a pretty good idea of what      >
followed. I'm sitting there alone, Mako and Zora looking on with their       >
heads cocked to one side as to say, "Don't do it dumbass," reasoning that a  >
one-second burst from such a tiny lil' ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad  >
(sound, rational thinking under the circumstances, wouldn't you agree?). I   >
decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the hell of it. Note:     >
You know, a bad decision is like hindsight--always twenty-twenty. It is so   >
obvious that it was a bad decision after the fact, even though it seemed so  >
right at the time. {Don't ya hate that?) I touched the prongs to my naked    >
thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY **************!DAaaaauuuuuuMN!!! I'm      >
pretty sure that Jessie Ventura ran in through the front door, picked me up  >
out of that recliner, then body slammed me on the carpet over and over       >
again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, nipples  >
on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, soaking wet, with my left arm        >
tucked under my body in the oddest position. Mako was standing over me       >
making whimpering sounds I had never heard before, licking my face,          >
undoubtedly thinking to herself, "Do it again dumbass, do it again!" (Note:  >
If you ever feel compelled to mug yourself with a Tazer, one note of         >
caution. There is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap           >
yourself. You're not going to let go of that thing until it is dislodged     >
from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. Then, if you're    >
lucky, you won't dislodge one of the prongs 1/4" deep in your thigh like     >
yours truly.) SON-OF-A-***** that hurt! A minute/so later (I can't be sure,  >
as time was a relative thing at this point), I collected my wits (what       >
little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My reading glasses    >
were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get there??? My triceps,   >

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