Text 100, 297 rader
Skriven 2006-02-14 20:32:52 av George Pope (1:153/7715.0)
Ärende: George Carlin-isms
==========================
... Things you never see:  A puppet with a hard-on. --George Carlin
... Things you never see:  A butterfly with a swastika design. --George
Carlin
... Things you never see:  The latin word for /douche/ /bag/. --George
Carlin
... Things you never see:  Someone defecating in church. --George Carlin
... Things you never see:  A junkie with liesure time. --George Carlin
... Things you never see:  A serial killer with a light-up bow tie. --George 
Carlin
... Things you never see:  A mom-and-pop steel mill. --George Carlin
... Things you never see:  A shot glass full of carrot juice. --George Carlin
... Things you never see:  A bum with matching luggage. --George Carlin
... Things you never see:  Really interesting twins. --George Carlin
... Things you never see:  Condoms with pictures of the saints. --George Carlin
... Things you never see:  A pimp with a low profit margin. --George Carlin
... Things you never see:  A Rolls-Royce that's more than 50% primer paint. 
--George Carlin
... "Just what /is/ the `old dipsy doodle'?" --George Carlin
... "Sometimes a little brain damage can help." --George Carlin
... "When I hear a person talking about political solutions, I know I am not 
listening to a serious person." --Geroge Carlin
... "Weyerhauser, a company that makes its money by cutting down trees, calls
itself `The tree-growing company'." --George Carlin
... "If a man smiles all the time he's probably selling something that doesn't 
work." --George Carlin
... "Not only do I not know what's going on, I wouldn't know what to do about 
it." --George Carlin
... "Some see the glass as half-empty, some see the glass as half-full.  I see 
the glass as too big." --George Carlin
... "Kilometers are shorter than miles.  Save gas, take your next trip in 
kilometers." --George Carlin
... "Whenever I see a large crowd, I always wonder what was the most 
disgusting thing any one of them ever did." --George Carlin
... "Why do we turn lights `out' when we turn most other things `off'?" 
--George Carlin
... "Working-class people `look for work'.  Middle-class people `try to get a 
job'.  Upper-middle-class people `seek employment'." --George Carlin
... "Can you have just one antic?  How about a lone shenanigan?  A 
monkey-shine?" --George Carlin
... "Those who dance are considered insane by those who can't hear the music." 
--George Carlin
... "It is impossible to know accurately how you look in your sunglasses." 
--George Carlin
... "Elevators and escalators do more than elevate and escalate.  They also 
lower.  The names tell only half the story." --George Carlin
... "You show me the people who control the money, the land and the weapons, 
and I'll show you the people in charge." --George Carlin
... "I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people 
who believe it." --George Carlin
... "The phrase /surgical/ /strike/ might be more acceptable if it were common 
practice to perform surgery with high explosives." --George Carlin
... "Just think, right now as you read this, some guy somewhere is gettin' 
ready to hang himself." --George Carlin
... "Feminists want to ban pornography on the grounds that it encourages 
violence against women.  The Japanese consume far more violent and depraved 
pornography than we do, and yet there is almost no rape reported there.  A 
woman is twenty times more in danger of being raped in the U. S. than in 
Japan.  Why?  Because Japanese people are decent, civilized and intelligent." 
--George Carlin
... "When someone is impatient and says, `I haven't got all day,' I always 
wonder, `How can that be?  How can you /not/ have all day?'" --George Carlin
... "Where does the dentist go when he leaves you alone?" --George Carlin
... "You know why I stopped eating processed foods?  I began to picture the 
people who might be processing them." --George Carlin
... "I AM NOT IN COMPLIANCE." --George Carlin
... "When you buy a six-foot dildo, and call it a marital aid, you are 
stretching not just the anatomy, but the limits of credibility." --George 
Carlin
... "At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be 
seated closest to the bathroom." --George Carlin
... Things you don't want to hear:  "Jeff?  We're going to have to break your 
skull again and reset it.  Okay?" --George Carlin
... "In Panama, during the election that defeated Noriega, there were "dignity 
battalions" that wandered the streets beating and robbing and killing people." 
--George Carlin
... "There are nights when the wolves are silent, and only the moon howls." 
--George Carlin
... "If we could just find out who's in charge, we could kill him." --George 
Carlin
... "The word /bipartisan/ usually means some larger-than-usual deception is 
being carried out." --George Carlin
... "Regarding the fitness craze:  America has lost its soul; now it's trying 
to save its body." --George Carlin
... "The savings-and-loan associations that will cost $500 billion to bail out 
are called `the thrifts'." --George Carlin
... "The reason they call it the American Dream is because you have to be 
asleep to believe it." --George Carlin
... "`No comment' is a comment." --George Carlin
... "Diplomatic immunity is necessary, because of the many diseases diplomats 
are exposed to in foreign countries." --George Carlin
... "Timesharing got a bad name, so now they call it `interval ownership'." 
--George Carlin
... "As soon as a person tells you they have a surprise for you, they have 
lost the element of surprise." --George Carlin
... "I AM REPELLED BY WHOLESOMENESS." --George Carlin
... "Intelligence tests are biased toward the literate." --George Carlin
... "Hobbies are for people who lack direction." --George Carlin
... "Dogs and cats are put to sleep, hogs and cows get slaughtered." --George 
Carlin
... "If a speed freak went to Rapid City to make a quick buck in fast food he 
might sell instant coffee in the express lane." --George Carlin
... "I worry about my judgment when anything I believe in or do regularly 
begins to be accepted by the American public." --George Carlin
... "Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations.  I 
think when you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is 
wrong." --George Carlin
... "Only Americans could find as a prime means of self-expression the wave 
and the high five." --George Carlin
... "In the movies, when someone buys something they never wait for their 
change." --George Carlin
... "As a matter of principle I never attend the first annual anything." 
--George Carlin
... "Why is it with any piece of home electronics equipment there are always a 
few buttons and switches you never use?" --George Carlin
... "They said some guy arrested for murder in Las Vegas had `a history of 
questionable actions.'  Can you imagine if we were all held to that standard?" 
--George Carlin
... "A lot of these people who keep a gun at home for safety are the same ones 
who refuse to wear a seat belt." --George Carlin
... "It's legal for men to be floorwalkers and illegal for women to be 
streetwalkers." --George Carlin
... "How can /crash/ /course/ and /collision/ /course/ have two different 
meanings?" --George Carlin
... "I think we've outgrown the word /gripe./  When everyone has automatic 
weapons, a word like /gripe/ is sort of irrelevant." --George Carlin
... "Environmentalists changed the word /jungle/ to /rain/ /forest/, because 
no one would give them money to save a jungle.  Same with /swamps/ and
/wetlands/." --George Carlin
... "Assisted suicide is controversial.  There are moral, medical, legal, and 
ethical arguments.  But the truth of it is, a lot of people just want to get 
the f*ck outta here." --George Carlin
... "Granola bars didn't sell very well when they were good for you.  Now they 
have caramel, chocolate, marshmallow, saturated fat, and sweeteners; and a 
small amount of oats and wheat.  Sales picked up." --George Carlin
... "I was surprised when I started geting old.  I always thought it was one 
of those things that would happen to someone else." --George Carlin
... "You know what would be fun?  Drop acid, smoke PCP, and then take the 
White House tour with Jim Carrey." --George Carlin
... Traditional American values:  Genocide, aggression, conformity, emotional 
repression, hypocrisy, and the worship of comfort and consumer goods. --George 
Carlin
... "I like it when a flower or a little tuft of grass grows through a crack 
in the concrete.  It's so f*cking heroic." --George Carlin
... "I once read that in Lebanon a peacekeeping force was attacked by a 
religious militia.  They deserve each other." --George Carlin
... "When you visualize the recent past, do you see it as being somewhere over 
on the left?" --George Carlin
... "In some places, a seventeen-year-old girl needs a note for being absent
from school, but she does not need one to get an abortion." --George Carlin
... "Lorena Bobbit only did what men do to each other all the time:  She 
showed an asshole she meant business." --George Carlin
... A favorite euphemism:  Blow job = holistic massage therapy. --Carlin
... A favorite euphamism:  Cheap hotel = limited service lodging. --Carlin
... A favorite euphemism:  Loan-sharking = interim financing. --Carlin
... A favorite euphemism:  Kidnapping = custodial interference. --Carlin
... A favorite euphemism:  Mattress and box spring = sleep system. --Carlin
... A favorite euphemism:  Shack job = live-in companion. --Carlin
... A favorite euphemism:  Truck stop = travel plaza. --Carlin
... A favorite euphemism:  Used videocassette = previously viewed cassette. 
--Carlin
... A favorite euphemism:  Wife beating = intermittent explosive disorder. 
--Carlin
... A facorite euphemism:  Theater = performing arts center. --Carlin
... A favorite euphemism:  Manicurist = nail technician. --Carlin
... A favorite euphemism:  Nude beach = clothing optional beach. --Carlin
... A favorite euphemism:  Peephole = observation port. --Carlin
... A favorite euphemism:  Baldness = acquired uncombable hair. --Carlin
... A favorite euphemism:  Body bags = remains pouches. --Carlin
... A favorite euphemism:  Drought = deficit water situation. --Carlin
... A favorite euphemism:  Recession = a meaningful downturn in aggregate 
output. --Carlin
... A favorite euphemism:  In love = emotionally involved. --Carlin
... A favorite euphemism:  Room clerk = guest service agent. --Carlin
... A favorite euphemism:  Uniform = career apparel. --Carlin
... A favorite euphemism:  Seat belt/air bag = impact management system. 
--Carlin
... A favorite euphemism:  Prostitute = commercial sex worker. --Carlin
... A favorite euphemism:  Dildo = marital aid. --Carlin
... A favorite euphemism:  Nonbelievers = the unchurched. --Carlin
... A favorite euphemism:  Lying on a job application = resume enhancement. 
--Carlin
... A favorite euphemism:  Miscarriage = pregnancy loss. --Carlin
... A favorite euphemism:  Police clubs = batons. --Carlin
... A favorite euphemism:  Smuggling = commodity relocation. --Carlin
... A favorite euphemism:  Porn star = adult entertainer. --Carlin
... A favorite euphemism:  Room service = private dining. --Carlin
... A favorite euphemism:  Nightclub = party space. --Carlin
... A favorite euphemism:  Monkey bars = pipe-frame exercise unit. --Carlin
... A favorite euphemism:  Cardboard box = makeshift home. --Carlin
... A favorite euphemism:  Fingerprinting = digital imaging. --Carlin
... A favorite euphemism:  Fat lady = big woman. --Carlin
... A favorite euphemism:  Junkies = the user population. --Carlin
... A favorite euphemism:  Apartment = dwelling unit. --Carlin
... A favorite euphemism:  Committee = task force. --Carlin
... A favorite euphemism:  Maid = room attendant. --Carlin
... A favorite euphemism:  Salesman = product specialist. --Carlin
... A favorite euphemism:  Bad loans = nonperforming assets. --Carlin
... A favorite euphemism:  Seasickness = motion discomfort. --Carlin
... A favorite euphemism:  Gangs = nontraditional organized crime. --Carlin
... A favorite euphemism:  Civilian deaths = collateral damage. --Carlin
... A favorite euphemism:  Gambling joint = gaming resort. --Carlin
... A favorite euphemism:  Mole = beauty mark. --Carlin
... A favorite euphemism:  Garbage collection = environmental services. 
--Carlin
... A favorite euphemism:  Breast = white meat. --Carlin
... A favorite euphemism:  Thigh = dark meat. --Carlin
... A favorite euphemism:  Sludge = bio-solids. --Carlin
... A favorite euphemism:  Genocide = ethnic cleansing. --Carlin
... A favorite euphemism:  Jeep = sports utility vehicle. --Carlin
... A favorite euphemism:  Library = learning resources center. --Carlin
... A favorite euphemism:  Junk mail = direct marketing. --Carlin
... A favorite euphemism:  Soda jerk = fountain attendant. --Carlin
... A favorite euphemism:  Soldiers and weapons = military assets. --Carlin
... A favorite euphemism:  Third floor = level three. --Carlin
... A favorite euphemism:  Illegal immigrant = guest worker. --Carlin
... A favorite euphemism:  Jet ski = personal watercraft. --Carlin
... A favorite euphemism:  Loafers = slip-ons. --Carlin
... "This species is a dear, hateful, sweet, barbaric, tender, vile, 
intelligent, confused, virtuous, evil, thoughtful, perverted, generous, greedy 
species.  In short, great entertainment." --George Carlin
... "I'm in favor of personal growth as long as it doesn't include malignant 
tumors." --George Carlin
... "The keys to America:  the cross, the brew, the dollar, the gun." --Carlin
... "Sex always has consequences.  When Hitler's mother spread her legs that 
night, she effectively cancelled out the spreading of fifteen to twenty 
million other pairs of legs." --George Carlin
... "I read that somewhere out west recently a National Wilderness Area was 
closed for two days because it was too windy." --George Carlin
... "I like Florida; everything is in the eighties.  The temperatures, the 
ages, and the IQs." --George Carlin
... "If you nail a tool shed closed, how do you put the hammer away?" --George 
Carlin
... "No one is completely alone; when all is said and done, you still have 
yourself." --George Carlin
... "If a painting can be forged well enough to fool experts, why is the 
original so valuable?" --George Carlin
... "Why does it take longer to go somewhere then it does to come back?" 
--George Carlin
... "People tell you to have a safe trip, as if you have some control over 
it." --George Carlin
... If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten. --George Carlin
... "At what point in his journey does an emigrant become an immigrant?" 
--George Carlin
... "Political discourse has been reduced to `Where's the Beef?' `Read my 
lips,' and `Make my day.'  Where are the assassins when we really need them?" 
--George Carlin
... Threatening postcard:  "Wish you were here, but if you come here I will 
kill you!" --George Carlin
... "Let's stop underage drinking before it starts."  Please explain this to 
me.  It sounds tricky. --George Carlin
... One of the best expressions in the English language is, "Who says so?"  I 
guarantee, if you keep saying "Who says so?" long enough, sooner or later 
someone will take you into custody. --George Carlin
... "We now buy watches primarily for their looks, price or additional 
functions.  The fact they tell time seems lost." --George Carlin
... F*CK THE MIDDLE CLASS. --George Carlin
... "McDonald's `breakfast for under a dollar' actually costs much more than 
that.  You have to factor in the cost of coronary bypass surgery." --George 
Carlin
... "Cloud nine gets all the publicity, but cloud eight actually is cheaper, 
less crowded, and has a better view." --George Carlin
... "We use the sun to make electricity, and then we use the electricity to 
operate sun lamps and tanning machines." --George Carlin
... "Most people work just hard enough not to get fired, and get paid just 
enough money not to quit." --George Carlin
... "I read somewhere that in the last census 1.6 percent of the people were 
not counted.  How can they know that?" --George Carlin
... "What exactly is `viewer discretion'?  If viewers had discretion, most 
television shows would not be on the air." --George Carlin
... The sound of one hand clapping is the same as the sound of a tree falling 
in the forest when no one is there to hear it. --George Carlin
... "The neutron bomb is very Republican; it leaves property alone and 
concentrates on destroying large numbers of people indiscriminately." --George 
Carlin
... "Do you know the nicest thing about looking at a picture of a 1950's 
baseball park?  The only people wearing baseball caps are the players." 
--George Carlin
... "It's way beyond ironic that a place called the Holy Land is the location 
of the fiercest, most deeply felt hatred in the world.  And it makes for 
wonderful theater." --George Carlin
... "The pores in a latex condom are one micron in size.  The human 
immunodeficiency virus is one half micron.  So, what's all this stuff about 
safe sex?" --George Carlin
... "After every horror, we're told, `Now the healing can begin.'  No.  There 
is no healing.  Just a short pause before the next horror." --George Carlin
... "Attention all camouflaged males:  In the American Revolution, the 
militias broke and ran from battle.  They ran home.  Only the regular army 
stood fast." --George Carlin

Because I care,
|<+]::-)  (Cyberpope(the Bishop of ROM!))
(aka Reverend George A. Pope)

... nfx v3.1 I'll have a steak sandwich...a porterhouse btwn 2 ribeyes!      

--- Maximus 3.01
 * Origin: The BandMaster, Vancouver, B.C., Canada (1:153/7715)